I pulled the SUV into the parking lot and stopped. I took a deep breath, looking around at the snow and skiers, wondering if Cameron was out there somewhere, waiting for me. There were so many memories attached to this place, and I could already feel my heart pounding in my chest. I looked back at Lily, who was sitting in her seat, cooing happily. She had made the journey with me so if Cameron wanted to meet her, she would be ready for him. I had already talked to the hotel about their childcare, but I was extremely nervous leaving Lily with strangers. The only person I had left her with so far was Hailey, and it was only for about an hour when I drove out to the grocery store to pick up food for the house. Hailey was different, though. She had been there since day one, learning how to care for a baby just like me.
Maybe I should have brought her with me so she could have watched Lily. That would have been nearly impossible, though, since Hailey was now seriously dating a guy from her office. They had planned out an entire evening with each other, and there was no way I was going to ruin it. She had offered to come with me, but I declined, telling her that she had given up enough of her life over the last year to take care of me. This was something that I had to handle on my own.
They had told me earlier this year when I came looking for Cameron that he was already booked to be here this year, but an entire year had passed. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that he would actually be there, but I was working on faith to get me through. I had told him I would meet him here this New Year’s Eve, and that was exactly what I planned on doing. I wasn’t sure what I would do if I found myself ringing in the new year all by myself. I figured, if nothing else, if I couldn’t find Cameron that night, I would go back and snuggle Lily, bringing in the new year with her. She and I were a team, and we had already developed a bond that would last a lifetime. She had just experienced her very first Christmas, which was cute since we dressed Hailey’s boyfriend up as Santa Claus and took pictures of him holding baby Lily in the snow.
Lily cooed again in the back, and I could tell she was starting to get restless. I got out of the car and strapped our bags to my body before lifting her car seat out and covering her up with a blanket. We made our way inside the hotel and to the reception desk, where I checked in and headed upstairs. Before I went to the day care, I wanted to make sure we were both freshened up after that drive. I washed my face and changed Lily’s diaper before sitting down on the bed by the fireplace and letting Lily eat. Nervously, I packed her bag with extra diapers, bottles of breastmilk for feeding, and several changes of clothes just in case. She was the light of my world, and I didn’t want to let her out of my sight for even a second, but I had to approach the situation with Cameron delicately, if he was even here.
I walked out to the elevators, carrying Lily and her pack and play for her to nap in. I climbed inside and looked up at the numbers, remembering my stay on the fifth floor. This time, I was on the third floor, and although my room wasn’t quite as luxurious, it was still really nice. It was more than enough for Lily and me to be comfortable. And hopefully, if I found Cameron and everything went as I hoped it would, he would be joining us, too, or maybe we would join him in his suite. Either way, I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Seldom did things ever actually go the way that I hoped they would, and I didn’t want to spend my time in Aspen in a ball of tears and baby diapers. I had to stay strong for Lily.
When the doors opened to the lobby, I took a big breath and walked across the marble floors to the concierge desk. He was talking to a couple of ladies about the best instruction to take, but I couldn’t hear him well enough to know whether he was talking about Cameron or not. I thought about asking, but figured I would know soon enough. Whether he was there alone or with someone else, my first task was to tell him about Lily, and then we could talk about my feelings for him.
“Hi,” I said to the concierge. “Could you point me toward the child care area?”
“Absolutely.” He smiled, looking down at Lily. “Right through the conference hallway at the end. You will know it when you see it. Trust me, it’s very colorful.”
“Thank you,” I said politely.
I made my way toward the corridor and glanced into the lounge, seeing Brian working busily behind the bar. He was too busy to see me, and I was okay with that. I was there for Cameron, not for socializing. Besides, the last thing I wanted to do was have to tell Brian that I had a baby, even before I had told Lily’s father. When I reached the childcare area, I smiled, seeing the brightly-colored walls inside the room. There were only two other children there, which made me feel better since I wanted to make sure Lily got the proper attention she would need. She was only two months old and not ready to be left on her own for very long.
At the front was a middle-aged woman, looking down at a stack of papers. I walked through the door, and she looked up, peering at me over her glasses. She smiled brightly at me as I approached, lugging the car seat along and setting it down at my feet. I reached down, unbuckled Lily, and pulled her out, handing the woman the pack and play.
“This must be beautiful little Lily,” the woman said, tickling her tummy gently. “And you must be Bea. It is so nice to finally meet you after all of our conversations.”
“You must be Mrs. Mouser,” I said with relief. “It’s so nice to meet you.”
“Well, come on,” she said cheerfully. “Let me show you around.”
We walked through the children’s area that I realized was a lot bigger than I thought it would be. She told me about their policies, about their closing times, and then explained that there would only be three or four children staying with her during the New Year’s Eve party. I was relieved since I wondered how one woman could take care of a room that full of kids.
“You look nervous,” she said, laying her hand on my arm.
“A little,” I replied. “You see, I’m meeting Lily’s father tonight. Well, at least, I hope that I am. We had a fling of sorts a year ago, and promised we would meet here tonight. We had no way to contact each other, so he doesn’t even know Lily exists. I’m going to fill him in tonight, as long as I can find him.”
“That is kind of romantic,” she said, lifting her eyebrows.
“I can’t deny that I hope there is some sort of romance involved,” I said, blushing. ?
?But in reality, my first and foremost concern is for Lily. I am hoping that he takes the news well and wants to be part of her life. I know it will be a lot to put on him like this, but I have been searching for him for a year with no luck. This is pretty much my only shot at letting him know that he is a father.”
“It’s funny how our priorities shift when we have children, isn’t it?”
“It is wild.” I laughed. “I’ve never felt so sure about anything in my life. It is my number one priority to protect my child. Even though I know I could have just continued with my life, never telling him about her, I wanted to do what was absolutely the best for her. I am hoping he sees that and embraces her with everything that he has. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. I’m sorry.”
“No, please, don’t apologize,” she said. “I think that it is amazing that you are here, putting yourself out there for the sake of your child. You seem like a wonderful mother. And to be honest, Lily is one of the cutest babies I have ever seen. I’m sure that her father will be more than happy to embrace her as his own. Love between two people can often be complicated and messy, but your love for your children is never that harsh. The love for a child is open and free, and it is very rare that a man or a woman has to fight to feel that way about a child, even if that child is already born before finding out. I think that your daughter’s father is going to jump for joy, maybe not initially, but once he meets her, he won’t be able to stop himself.”
“Well, I hope so,” I said, smiling.
“In the meantime,” she said, smiling at Lily. “I am going to take very good care of that beautiful baby. I can give her some fun tummy time and turn on Baby Einstein and get her little brain moving and developing. Don’t worry. I promise that Lily is in excellent hands.”
I smiled and walked back over to the desk where I filled out a ton of paperwork and then kissed Lily gently on the face. I handed her over to Mrs. Mouser and stood there for a moment, not wanting to leave her at all. Sensing my reluctance to leave, the sitter walked over and put her hand on my shoulder.
“It’s okay.” She smiled. “You go now and get ready for tonight. It is quickly approaching.”
I smiled and shook my head, knowing that she was right. The hardest part was the fact that I was struggling to walk away. Once I was away from the room, I started to feel more comfortable and more at ease than I had moments before. I took the elevator back up to my room and took my dress off of the hanger. I showered and changed, looking at myself in the mirror in awe. Ever since my sixth month of pregnancy, I had been living in yoga pants and sweatshirts, but seeing myself standing there with my long, black, velvet dress cascading over my hips, my confidence started to show again.
Before I could lose that confidence, I turned and grabbed my bag and faux-fur shawl that I had brought to stay warm. I smiled kindly at the other guests passing me in the hall and made my way down to the lobby. I stood there on the marble floors for a moment and wasn’t quite sure where to start. I glanced over into the lounge, and Brian was there, pouring a row of shots. I clutched my purse tightly to my chest and walked into the lounge, smiling as Brian lit up. He walked around the bar and hugged me tightly.
“You look amazing,” he whispered. “I’m so glad you came.”