“Well, all of those emotions make perfect sense.” She smiled. “Look in the bags. I brought you a change of clothes and some goodies like lotion and face cream. There is also makeup in there. I know you have to be in here for at least one night, but I figured you could at least look good while you were doing it.”
“You are like a guardian angel,” I said, shuffling over to the bags and pulling out a pair of stretch pants with a high waist and a big comfy sweater with a large turtleneck.
I had been lucky during my pregnancy, and I only gained a minimal amount of weight. I hadn’t been obsessed with it or anything. It just seemed I was one of those lucky women who could do that. Still, the empty belly I was carrying around was a bit awkward and uncomfortable. In reality, I was uncomfortable in the hospital, and all I wanted was to take my daughter back to my home and relax. I wasn’t sure, though, if even that would clear the ache in my chest for Cameron. It ran deeper than anything I had ever felt before, and even with the hormones trickling away, my yearning for him did not leave.
“Thank you for all of this.” I smiled. “I can’t wait until we can go home.”
“Are you all right, otherwise?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed, wrapping my arms around my body and walking back to the windows. “Cameron was on my mind through all of this, and I feel terrible that I haven’t had the opportunity to let him know. He should have been one of the people in the room with you, cheering me on, pushing me to get through this situation. I feel like I have failed Lily in the worst way.”
“Hey, you not having found Cameron before the birth was not your fault,” she said sternly. “You may have left without a phone number, but I don’t see him knocking your door down, either.”
“But why would he?” I asked, staring out at the trees. “I told him it wasn’t going to work out, and that it was better for us to stay out of contact. He had no idea that I was going to turn up, having given birth to his child.”
“I know, and you need to stop beating yourself up over it, Bea,” she said with caring in her eyes. “It isn’t too late, just because Lily is born. Now, you can relax and look for him, not feeling like you are on the clock.”
“I don’t know where else to look,” I said. “It’s like, for every two steps I take forward, he takes five. It has been incredibly hard without him.”
“I know,” she said, loosening her stern attitude. “I know it has. I have watched from afar, totally unsure of what to do to help you. I wished every day that you would wake up to a knock on the door or a phone call, or anything really. I could feel your pain and frustration a mile away. But you did good—amazing—and I am so very proud of you for what you have created.”
“Thank you.” I smiled, looking over at Lily in her arms. “I have never loved another human being as much as I love her. The feeling is absolutely amazing in so many ways. I just really feel like without Cameron, something is missing.”
“Well, then you will just have to go to Aspen and see him on New Year’s Eve,” she said with a smile.
I nodded and sat down in the chair, relieving the pain from labor. I knew that I should be resting, but my anxiety level was through the roof. I knew that Cameron was going to be in Aspen teaching, but what I didn’t know was whether he would be there waiting for me. I could show up, and he could have a completely new date for New Year’s Eve. He could have completely forgotten about us and our promises to each other for this special day. But that couldn’t matter. I needed to go under the assumption that there wasn’t anything between us anymore. My mission could no longer be for love, but for Lily, instead.
When I arrived in Aspen, I needed to keep my head held high and my feelings to the side. I needed to approach Cameron with love and caring, but my first conversation shouldn’t be about him and me. It should be about what has happened over the last year. I wanted him to know how hard I searched for him before Lily was born. I wanted him to know she had his hair and his adorable little nose. I wanted him to know that she needed him in his life. Then, and only then, would I allow myself to tell him how I felt for him. I had to come secondary now. That was one of my roles as Lily’s mother, always putting her first above my own needs.
“All right, momma,” Hailey said, walking back over to me. “It’s feeding time. And then you can put her down for a nap and use the goodies I got you. I have to head back into work for a while, but I’ll be available on my cell.”
“Thank you,” I said, taking Lily into my arms. “For everything. Really.”
“It’s no problem,” Hailey said, smiling. “I am more than thrilled to be this little girl’s auntie, and I am proud to be your best friend.”
We hugged, and she left, pulling the hospital door closed behind her. I grabbed the fleece throw she had brought over earlier and wrapped it around my shoulders, walking over to the chair by the window and wrapping myself up in it. Lily looked up at me as I prepared to feed her, and we settled in for her lunchtime.
“You know, little girl,” I said, talking to my daughter. “When I first saw your daddy, I thought he was the most handsome man I had ever met. Actually, I thought there was no way a man like that would be as sweet and caring as he turned out to be. Your daddy is a skier, a professional one of sorts. One day, I’ll take you out on the mountain and teach you to ski. We spent the most wonderful Christmas and New Year’s I had ever had to that point, right next to each other. Everything was more than perf
ect, and that was when you were created. When I left your daddy at the resort, I didn’t know that I was taking such an important part of him with me. He is strong and loving, and I know without a doubt that he will love you a much as I do.”
I leaned back in the chair and sighed, relaxing a bit so that Lily could get the milk that she needed. I knew that she wouldn’t remember me sitting here and talking about him, but it made me feel better. It made me feel like he was there, just on the other side of the door, waiting to be with us. I needed to feel him close right now because no matter how many times Hailey came around or how close I held Lily to my chest, it just felt like we were missing something very important in our lives.
I made myself a promise, then and there, that no matter what decision Cameron made, or even if I never saw him again, I would always tell Lily the beautiful things I saw in him. I would try to help her see him the way that I did in my head. When she got older, I would explain everything else. I hoped that it wasn’t going to be necessary, though. I hoped that Cameron would be there to show her himself how amazing of a man he was. I hoped that when I showed up on New Year’s, that everything wasn’t lost.
Chapter 25
A Couple of Days After Christmas
Cameron
I thought that when I got back to Aspen, my life would feel right again, but after spending Christmas with Glen drinking at the bar, thinking about what I was doing a year before, I realized the magic of the place had more to do with Bea than anything else. The days after Christmas had been long, too, wondering if she would show up, wondering what I would do if she did, or if she didn’t. My mind was better than it was in Utah, but I still sat around, alone in my room after work, thinking about Bea. I had gone several other places in Colorado after I missed her in Aspen, but I couldn’t even find a trail for her before it was time to get back to work. From then on out, I had just gone through the motions, working hard to relieve the stress from Glen, and spending most of my time alone. I would wake before anyone else, just to listen to the silence of the mountain.
I looked over at Glen who was sitting at the bar, laughing and talking with some of the other guys that worked there. This year wasn’t quite as packed as the year before, but the resort was still seeing almost record numbers. Our classes stayed steady, which made me happy. I didn’t like the downtime anymore. I liked to stay busy and ready. I had even considered coming up with a special on Christmas for Christmas Day skiers so that I could stay busy that day, too, but I felt bad because Glen purposely didn’t go home so that I wouldn’t have to be alone. We had some drinks, watched some football, and sat down at the restaurant for a good meal. I almost laughed to myself as I sat there, surrounded by the old couples eating their Christmas dinners without family as well. Had I reached my senility already?
The rest of my time there would be miserable, especially if Bea decided not to show up. I thought about what she was doing, about how her life may have changed over the course of the last year. I hoped that she had held onto me as strongly as I did her. I had a hope, knowing she had gone to Aspen trying to find information on me. I knew that she hadn’t given up by that point, so maybe she pulled through the rest of the year like I had. Either way, New Year’s was going to be nerve-wracking at best.
“So, have you figured out what your big plans for New Years are yet?” Glen asked.