Chapter One
Ada
My hands are shaking and there are no pockets on the dress I chose to wear. Hiding them isn’t an option so I clench them tightly behind my back. I’m aware my teeth are also chattering. How can I be this nervous? I look around for the cardigan I had on earlier. I can put my hands in those pockets. I can also pull the cardigan over my head and run away. Running away seems like a splendid idea right about now. What have I gotten myself into? The fear in the pit of my stomach has me on the verge of losing everything I ate all day.
“You’re almost up,” Lila Carnes says to me. She’s my friend and fellow teacher at Salmon Ridge High. Lila is the complete opposite of me. Her confidence can be felt across a room. She is bosomy and loves wearing outfits that show her assets.
When I mean assets, let’s be real I mean her boobs are very present and her bottoms hug her ass. It always seems she has the perfect amount of makeup on and her hair is never plagued by fly-aways like mine. It’s a gorgeous chestnut brown naturally. My frizz puff is that dull looking brown you see on cartoon drawings. If it is even the slightest bit humid outside, I might as well try to forget about leaving my house. It’s kind of ridiculous and seriously unfair.
Some girls have all the luck, I guess. I’m trying to focus on this instead of my stomach at the moment. I’m focusing on anything but what’s about to happen. Lila knows me the best, but she doesn’t realize I'm not doing so hot.
She's always so encouraging but my face alone should give it away. I'm not ready. I make note where the restrooms are in the gym in case I need to go hide in a stall instead of going on stage. I feel like I should be giving the visual message this is a mistake, but Lila keeps encouraging me like she always does.
“You ready?” Lila is really close to my face. I didn’t even notice she’d moved closer. She smells like roses and honey. I bet I smell like sweat and fear. She throws an arm around me encouragingly.
No. No, I’m not ready. Not even remotely ready. What was I thinking? I’m gonna upchuck all over the stage. Then it’s going to be all over YouTube, and it’ll get a million hits and then . . . I suck in a deep breath because my mental rambling is about to make me turn around and make tracks to the door.
Somehow, I manage a nod, though I’m not really sure how. My entire body is as stiff as a board. How I let myself be coerced into singing at the charity concert by my students is beyond me. Despite teaching them to sing on a daily basis, I myself am terrified of performing in front of people. I take that back, I can sing in front of ten to twelve students because I’m teaching them, but this. This is singing in front of my peers, in front of my student’s parents, in front of principal Stevens! That thought alone causes me to almost faint. It shouldn’t be this bad because I’ve done this time and time again. This was my life and it was so a part of my routine I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But some things never change.
Gulp!
I look out on the stage and I’m suddenly transferred back to fourth grade. Mrs. Rosenbaum has started playing my song for the second time and I’m standing completely still on the stage forgetting all the words. I tell myself, don’t pee, do not pee. I’m so scared of singing I just run away. To make things worse, I trip on the way off the stage and catch the sounds of laughter as I flee the scene. I can remember my eyes closed tightly knowing how much the kids were going to tease me on Monday. As if running off the stage as fast as possible wasn’t bad enough. After tripping, my dress flew above my head and revealed my My Little Pony panties to everyone. Being the laughing stock of the school is something you never get over. Hearing the laughter for the several weeks after the fact was going to be so much worse. A girl in my class had tripped on the first day of school and busted a tooth out. She was made fun of for the whole year. They called her Snaggle. I didn’t want a strange nickname that would follow me all through school.
My mother couldn’t find me because I hid underneath the stairs of my grade school for a whole hour. I heard everyone leaving the talent show and imagined them laughing at me, and why wouldn’t they laugh at me? I would have laughed at me had I not been too busy being humiliated. My mother was frantic when she didn’t find me, she thought I’d left the school and was wandering around in the dark.
The next day I wouldn’t let her take me to school. I could only imagine what my classma
tes were saying about me. I just couldn’t deal, so like a big chicken, I stayed at home. My mother stayed mad at me for a whole week refusing to talk to me at the dinner table. My father would have to relay any messages from her to me even though I could hear her clearly. Looking back my mother could be a bit immature at times.
I wanted to stay home for more than one day. I begged and pleaded with my mother to stay home for a week but she refused. She said that I deserved it. Not in so many words, but she was never a nurturing person. One day was enough to recover in her eyes. My dad wouldn't even listen to me when I tried to appeal to him. He would never go against her opinion and gave me the dumbest advice. Just laugh with them. Returning to school, the kids still joked and I tried to laugh along with them. They didn’t forget.
Chapter Two
Ada
“Here, take some of this.” Lila pushes a small silver flask under my nose. I shake my head quickly. For one reason, I feel like I might throw up. For another reason, we are still at work even if it’s after hours. It wouldn’t do for someone to say the music teacher was getting liquored up backstage at a charity concert. Wouldn’t those headlines be just fantastic? I can see them now. Local teacher pukes on stage because she was too drunk to perform for charity. Yes, wouldn’t that just be awesome, not to mention the perfect example for the very students I was trying to teach. This should be a breeze.
I tell myself I’m no longer a scared fourth grader and a grown confident woman. If I just keep telling myself to breathe I should be okay. I just need to forget the lights and forget all the eyes looking at me. This is probably the worst pep talk one can give themselves.
When she doesn’t move the flask, I’m tempted to take a sip just for the heck of it. But I don’t.
“No, I’ll be ok,” I tell her and stand at the edge of the curtain to look around. It doesn’t seem so bad from this angle noticing a ton of the audience on their phones not paying full attention. See? I only have to please some of the people. Like the important ones. I laugh to myself, yeah that makes sense.
The guy on stage is doing an elaborate beatbox and dance routine. He’s really into it and clearly not the least bit nervous. I recognize him as one of my former students who always had a quiet nature. If he can do it, I can as well. That’s at least what I tell myself. He’s just a student, I’m these students mentor, why is this giving me the worst anxiety? How did I ever become a teacher? Before I jump down a crippling rabbit hole of self-doubt I try to shake it off.
As the student on stage wraps up with an impossible spin on his head the crowd erupts into applause and I’m reminded how many people are actually in the audience. What if they don’t like my singing? What if the only thing I hear is crickets? You know, like all those horrific incidents on various television shows? The noise creeps into my head and my neck starts to sweat. I’m pretty sure this was a mistake. I’m pretty sure I can’t do this. The voices of all the children of my elementary school laughing invade my brain. I can hear them. I can feel them deep in my soul. All their faces crystal clear floating around my brain taunting me to sit back down, taunting me to grab that flask! Anything than what’s about to happen.
Lila is standing right behind me as I start to back up. The brakes are screeching and I’m two seconds from backing out. It’s not worth it. I shake my head but she puts her hands on both my arms. I hear the principal come back out onto the stage and say some complimentary things about the guy before me. Then it hits me again and reminds me the true meaning of why I’m doing this. It’s a charity. This is worth it. I can do this. There my pep talk got a little better.
“Now a treat for everyone. Our own lovely music teacher, Ada Springfield is going to blow us all away.”
Why did he have to hype it up so much? I don’t know that I can even open my mouth. What if I just open my mouth and nothing comes out? What if my pitch is completely off key? The list of what could go wrong keeps playing in my head. The thunderous applause happens again and the little backstage area sways a bit. If I pass out at least I don’t have to go out onto the stage. But then I’d still get made fun of. Either way is a losing situation for me.
Lila shoves me forward like a good friend and before I know it I’m taking small steps towards the microphone in the middle of the stage. I seriously have to get my neurosis under control. I’m going to drive myself insane if I don’t.
One step in front of the other. Careful. Watch the chords. Oops, phew, that one almost got me. Careful now Ada. You’ve got this. Don’t fall. Your dress flying over your head to reveal your sensible cotton panties would be far worse as an adult than it would be as a fourth-grader.
I don’t look at the audience who are now cheering for me. The students are so encouraging. They are the only reason I agreed to sing and the only reason I thought I could actually do it. Now I’m on my way to sing and it feels like my legs are made of lead. I continue to move one foot in front of the other as I try not to think of how silly I must look. What are they thinking?
Slowly I make my way behind the microphone and still keep my eyes from looking out at the crowd. I focus my gaze somewhere at the back of the auditorium. It is a typical performer move for anyone that’s nervous and my students know this. I teach them that move so they are going to know I’m nervous but at this point, I don’t care. It’s all I’m going to do to be able to finish this. It’s dark back there, and I pretend that if I can’t see them, they can’t see me. However, I swear I hear the English teachers laughing at me. Their older deep laughter replaces the children laughing in my head. I’m probably imagining it. I’ve gotten inside my own brain which is never any good.