“So, how was work?” I rasp, sadness lacing my tone. “Did you have a good day?”
“Oh, you know.” It’s as if he can’t even stand to look at me which crushes the confidence he gave me. “Same as always, just another day slogging away until I can leave. Nothing exciting to report at all.”
I gulp, trying to swallow down the thick ball of emotion that lodges itself in my throat. “I see.”
“How was your day?” His tone is bored, I don’t think he wants to know. This definitely isn’t the guy I’ve been with before. Have I romanticized him in my mind because I want him to be that way? “Get up to much?”
“Not really.” I shake my head rapidly. “Just been getting some organizing done.”
We wander into the restaurant and take our seats. I’m starting to think I’d be better off putting an end to this now before my soul gets even more destroyed. I’m not too sure what’s keeping me here, except the idea that it was much better before. I guess I’m still chasing something that isn’t really there anymore, maybe it never was.
We place our orders and as we do I keep looking at Logan. It’s easy for me to stare because he won’t meet my eye at all. I get the distinct impression that he’s hiding something from me. Possible things roll through my brain: what if he has a girlfriend? What if he just wanted a one night stand? What if he hates me now?
I need to know. I know the way that my brain works and if I don’t demand to hear the truth soon, I’ll crumble. My mind will twist up in tightly coiled knots so much that even the truth won’t be able to set me free. It’s scary, but I’m going to try and remember the person he was to ask that version of him what’s going on now.
To do so, I slide my eyes closed, I take a deep breath, and I force the words to come. They sound labored because of all the pressure it takes to set them free, but thank goodness they make some sense.
“What’s going on, Logan?” My throat aches painfully. “You don’t seem like you want to be here.”
I guess I expect him to instantly defend himself. I think he’s going to tell me that he does want to be here but that he’s just tired. I might have even been able to accept t
hat excuse if it came, but it doesn’t. He remains silent for far too long which causes my eyes to sting. He really doesn’t want to be here, this is all a mistake.
It makes me want to take a step back from love itself. It clearly isn’t right for me to even want this if it’s causing this much pain. With Pete and now with Logan, although I have to admit this hurts more. Maybe this is all a sign that I should be focusing on something else. I must not be ready for something real.
“I’m a bit freaked out,” he finally tells me quietly. “I don’t know what’s going on here.”
His answer takes me aback, I don’t know what to do with it. “Erm, right okay. I see,” I say even though I don’t. His face is a mask and I really want to pull it off to see what’s going on underneath. “With me and you?”
He sighs loudly, I can tell this is painful for him to say. “Look, I know this is nuts but I’m going to be honest with you.” I straighten my spine, preparing myself for this. I don’t know what the truth is, but I do know that it’s going to be something that I don’t like too much otherwise he wouldn’t look so awkward about it. “I’m freaked out because I like you, and because I have to go too. I know we didn’t talk about this stuff, it’s like the argument on the train, we brush it under the carpet, but it’s bothering me and making me distant.”
I almost leap on the fact that he talked about some argument on a train which must have been someone else, but I don’t. I can see that isn’t the core of the issue and to be honest I would much rather deal with that. Mainly because it’s a very similar feeling to what I’ve been having so I guess that means we need to discuss it.
“We don’t have to brush it under the carpet,” I try to reassure him. “We can talk about it if you want. You’ve told me about your trip from the very beginning, I know that it’s important to you.”
My heart clenches at the same time as my stomach. My words might be all well and good but my emotions aren’t. We both know that having an end date changes things. It makes it that much harder to consider. We’re locked in a time loop and we will be until the time that he goes… unless we plan to reconcile when he gets back. I won’t ask him to wait for me, it’s much too soon for that, but I can cope if I know he’s coming back to me. I might torture myself over what he’s doing when he’s away, but I’ll try and better myself too. Try!
“It is, but it feels heavy now, you know what I mean?”
I nod because obviously I do. “I know, but you have to go. It’s your dream!”
He gives me a meaningful look. “It is, but I think this could be important too. Me and you.”
I force a weak smile onto my lips. It’s time to make a joke out of this so we don’t head down a much too heavy road on date three. “Oh, well I’ll just have to come with you then, won’t I? Keep you company. Use my compensation money to buy my own ticket, make some use of it. That way you won’t be able to miss me because you’ll not be able to get rid of me.” I wink so he knows I’m joking. “Sounds fun, right?”
His eyes widen in surprise and I fear I might have pushed him too far. I only wanted him to feel better. I part my lips wishing I could stuff all those words back into my mouth to say something more normal instead, but it hits me that the damage has been done. Whatever I do now will only make it worse.
“You… you want to?” he asks with furrowed brows. “I mean, you could, I’ve thought about it.”
Now it’s my turned to be speechless. “You have?” I rasp through ragged breaths. “But it’s your life long dream. The trip that you’ve been planning forever. I can’t ruin it, I don’t want to be in the way.”
“You wouldn’t be.” He takes my hands and gives me a deeply sincere look. “It would be nice not to have to do it alone. I know it’s wild, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t go for it, does it?”
I don’t know what to say, that’s wild. But there’s not exactly anything keeping me here.
“Yes,” I gasp before I can talk myself out of it. “Yes, I’d love to come.”
15