“You guess so?” she asked, trying to nudge me into speaking. “I'm guessing this started at a young age. Why don't you tell me about your parents, Drew.”
My parents. As soon as she mentioned them, my entire body tensed up. My fists were balled up in my lap and I had to look away. Had to look at anything but her.
“I see that struck a nerve, and I'm sorry. There's just no notes in your file about your parents – ”
“Because they're dead,” I said, letting out a deep breath. “They died a few years back. It was a car accident.”
Dr. Emerson's eyes grew wide. “I'm sorry, Drew. I had no idea.”
And I could tell by the expression on her face that she meant it. She was sorry. She was sincere, didn't try to patr
onize or placate me. She came across as genuine, sincere, and compassionate – and I liked her a little more because of it.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to smile, but failed. “It's okay. You didn't know, and I'm not here to be coddled, now am I?”
“No, you're not here for the coddling,” she said. “But I also don't want to make things worse for you. If I had known, I would have brought it up in a gentler way.”
“Gentle? With me?” I snorted. “No one has ever felt the need to be gentle about anything with me. I mean, look at me – do I look like the type of man who needs you to be gentle?”
Dr. Emerson smiled, a soft smile that felt warm and genuine. “No, but as I know from experience, looks can often be deceiving, Drew. Sometimes the biggest, most manly men are the ones who need the most help emotionally. They're the ones least likely to talk about what's really bothering them. The least likely to seek out help even though their soul is rotting from the inside out.”
I shook my head, trying hard not to laugh. This all sounded like new age, touchy feely bullshit to me, and I really didn't want anyone – including a woman I fucked the night before – to feel the need to be gentle around me. I wasn't some weak ass bitch and I didn't need to be treated with kid gloves.
“I'm a Navy SEAL,” I said. “I've seen men and women die, right in front of me, and in some really outlandishly terribl ways. I'm just fine.”
“Oh really?” she said, raising an eyebrow. “If that's the case, then why are you here?”
She had me there. As I left her office, I was as confused as ever as to why I was seeing a shrink. My dear old dad would be so fucking ashamed of me right now. Talking about my feelings and shit with a therapist – it just wasn't our way. Wasn't how we did things. We sucked it up, dealt with our shit, and carried on. Dr. Emerson had been right about that. I wasn't raised to be open about my feelings, because I was a boy. A man. And I had a job to do – serve in the military, protect our country and eventually, one day, provide for a family. None of that would be easy and I never expected it to be.
I stopped in the hallway and turned around. Walking back to her office, I opened the door and peeked inside.
“So, you still won't tell me your first name?” I asked.
“No.” She didn't even look up from her notes as she answered.
“Then at least answer one question, please,” I said. “Why were you there last night? At the bar? And why did you go home with me?”
She stopped writing, but still didn't look up, her eyes fixed on the notepad in front of her.
“Why does that matter, Drew?” she asked.
“Because, well, I wasn't looking for this – whatever it is this is. I was just lonely and looking for someone to spend my birthday with. And then I found you. That's what I was looking for. And I just got to wondering what it was you were looking for?”
She turned and looked at me, finally, and there was sadness in her eyes. “Maybe I was looking for the same thing, Drew.”
It made sense, but it also didn't. Why was she lonely? It was no mystery why I was lonely. But she was a beautiful, successful young woman who could have anyone she wanted – I was sure of that. She had to have family and friends and co-workers – all things I'd lost and hadn't been able to find again.
But it was obvious by the way she sat there staring at me, that there was no way she was talking about it. She wasn't going to open up to me the way she demanded I opened up to her. Not now, at least.
“Well hopefully you found what you needed,” I said. “I promise to not bring it up again.”
“I appreciate it,” she said, turning back to her work briefly before looking back up at me. “Oh, and happy belated birthday.”
“Thanks,” I muttered to myself as I continued walking toward the waiting room.
Amelia
I listened to his footsteps fading away as he made his way out of my office and down the hallway. As soon as I heard the door at the end of the hall close – which meant he was back in the waiting room, I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. My body relaxed into the chair as a powerful wave of relief washed over me.