“I don’t know,” she replies helplessly. “It isn’t something that I’ve ever done before.”
I sigh loudly. “Oh well, I suppose there’s only one way to find out. I’ll just have to wait and see. A whole freaking minute, honestly, it’s like torture. Will you distract me while I wait? Tell me about your life?”
“Really? If you’re sure.” I make an agreeable noise, I need something to distract me from this hell. “Okay, well me and Freddie are doing really well. He asked me to move in with him the other day…”
“He did?” I exclaim in shock. “Oh, my goodness, that’s amazing news. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“Oh, well we were doing wedding dress shopping for you. I didn’t want to steal your thunder.”
“You know I’m not like that! I would want to know. So, how did he ask you? Are you moving into his?”
“Yeah, he’s got this amazing farm house, you’ll love it. You will have to come down to stay soon. It’s been a while since you came to visit…” She suddenly trails off as she remembers why. “Sorry, I…”
I let out a belly laugh. “Honestly, Rachel, it’s fine. I’m not so traumatized by what happened to me that I can’t think about it or anything. I’d prefer not to because I just want to move on, but it’s okay.”
I have had a lot of nightmares. When my subconscious comes into play I’m clearly not quite as brave, but no good can come from sharing that information with her. I’m pretty sure that I’m doing okay anyway.
“Okay, well… I’m sorry for mentioning you not coming. Of course, you haven’t been able to. But you should when you can. I would love to have you, and you really will like Freddie’s place. It’s amazing.”
“He sounds like a really nice guy.” I smile as I think about how happy he makes my friend. “I’m glad you met him. And work is still going alright? Are you still enjoying teaching?”
“I’ve been made head of the department, so that’s all going well too. I love it.”
Once upon a time, hearing that my friend was doing so well while my career is all over the place, I might have felt a bolt of anxiety, but I don’t feel that way now. I’m nothing but happy for her.
“Oh, well that’s amazing. I’m so pleased. It’s good to hear you doing so well…”
“That must have been a minute now,” Rachel interjects, seeing right through me. “Stop putting it off.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” I murmur. I bob my head up and down like an idiot. “Okay, I’ll look.”
I drag my eyes downwards, fearfully wondering what I’m going to see. I don’t know what answer I want to see the most. I’m not sure how I’ll feel whatever response I see. If I’m not, like carries on as normal, I don’t even need to tell Jordan about it if I don’t want to. I can just continue on with wedding planning. I don’t even need to be upset. I can’t be sad over something that was never mine in the first place. That’s just silliness.
But if it’s positive, I’ll have that warm, full sensation. It’s going to be scary though, changing everything, starting on with the next stage of my life. Me and Jordan will be about to become parents, we’ll have a family of our own. Even if it’s unexpected, I think Jordan will be pleased. I hope he will be anyway it might be nice.
“So?” Rachel sounds jittery. “Have you looked yet? What’s the answer?”
I gasp, staggering backwards until I hit the wall behind me. My brain spins violently, my stomach flip flops, my lungs squeeze tight. “It’s positive,” I gush out. “It’s positive. I’m having a baby.”
I slump to the ground, my knees giving way while I digest that. I know it’s probably what I wanted but it’s still a shock. That’s why I don’t feel my best because I’m growing a life. My hand automatically wraps protectively around my stomach while I get a swell of love in my chest.
“That’s good news, isn’t it?” Rachel calls through the door, stunned. “Are you happy?”
“I am.” A bright smile spreads across my lips. “I really am.”
“So, what do you want to do now? Do you want to go back home to tell Jordan? He’s going to be excited too, right? Or did you want to go for a walk to get used to the idea first?”
She doesn’t know how I feel, and to be honest I’m not one hundred percent either. I’m happy, but so stunned. It’s a big life change. It’s going to turn everything on its head. Hopefully for the best way.
“Let’s go and tell Jordan,” I reply decisively while pushing myself into a standing position. “I can’t wait for him to know.”
I stagger out of the cubical and rest on my friend. Already she has happy tears streaming down her face because of my news. “Do you remember when you tried to pretend that you and Jordan were just friends? I knew that wouldn’t work out.”
She makes me laugh, even through my shock. “I forgot all about that. I think I knew even then that he was the one for me.”
32
Jordan