I don’t know why I insist on lying, I suppose it just makes life easier. If no one knows about the mini Jordan obsession brewing in my chest, then no one can make me uncomfortable when I’m near him. I like our friendship enough to want to hold onto to it. I don’t want to do anything to push him away. And he cannot know. Ever. If he finds out and the feelings aren’t reciprocated, which I guess she probably doesn’t, then it’ll be embarrassing.
“How can you not see it? He’s delicious. I just want to lick him up.” She turns onto her side on the bed which prompts me to do the same. “I’d ask him out if I didn’t think there was something between you.”
This is my cue to quash the idea completely. I need to tell her to go ahead, that if she wants to date him then she can. I don’t even think Rachel wants him really. This is obviously just her way of finding out the truth. Yet, even knowing all of that isn’t enough. The words get firmly stuck in my throat and I can’t get them out.
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“What… what do you mean?” I stammer out instead. “There isn’t anything between us.”
“Oh, sure, right.” Rachel rolls her eyes dramatically. “So, I guess you won’t be dating before the end of the year. I guarantee you’ll be his girlfriend before we leave here for the summer holidays. It’s in the cards.”
The image she’s bringing to life forms in my brain, I can actually see me and Jordan being together, and it’s an image I like way too much. I yearn for it to become real. It actually gives me a blast of physical pain which makes me wince. It’s hard to hide when my feelings cause such visible reactions to him.
“Hmmm, I don’t know. I don’t think he would want to be with someone like me, even if I wanted him.”
Rachel rolls her eyes and laughs at me. “You really can’t see it, can you? He is in love with you.”
I gobble those words up like they’re everything. I really hope it’s true. I don’t want to get carried away with my feelings, but how can I help it when my friend is encouraging me to think about it. They circle me, swallow me up, make me feel good, before I shove them from my brain completely. I can’t start down that road.
“So, if you don’t have plans tonight, do you want to go out?” Rachel seamlessly changes the subject.
I know if I say that I’m supposed to be meeting Jordan tonight the questions will fly again, so I lie. I’ll just have to try and work everyone into my night. “No, I have no plans. What did you have in mind?”
“There’s a party in one of the other dorm rooms. I think it might be involving one of the fraternities, which could be fun, right? I know we aren’t into the who sorority thing, but it could be a cool change?”
Discretely, I fire off a text to Jordan, asking if he’ll be willing to meet me at the party instead of hanging out just the two of us, and when I very rapidly get a positive reply, I agree with Rachel. “Sure, sounds good.”
Jordan could just turn up of his own accord, couldn’t he? There’s no reason for Rachel to be suspicious. She’ll probably vanish not long after we arrive anyway. She has a tendency to vanish when she’s drunk. Now that I can always get hold of Jordan, that doesn’t bother me. She’s only flaky while drinking anyway, it isn’t that bad a personality flaw as things go. I’ve seen many other people very unhappy with the people they’re roomed with.
“What are you going to wear?” I ask with a renewed sense of vigor while I sit up. “Shall we dress nice?”
“I like your way of thinking!” Rachel pops up too. “I would love to go all dressy. Let’s look through our stuff.”
Deep down, I know that I’m only dressing up for one person which is so pathetic it hurts, but I just can’t help myself. Maybe he won’t ever ask me out, perhaps it’ll only ever be a crush, but for now, it is what it is.
***
I feel vulnerable and very exposed while we walk through the fraternity house. It’s clear that me and Rachel have missed the mark on the dress code. It felt all fun getting all fancied up while we were dancing around and gossiping in the privacy of our room, but among all these people we don’t know in jeans and tee shirts, I feel silly. We’re like the girls who missed the memo not to dress nice for prom. It makes me feel very childish.
“We should get out of here,” I hiss to Rachel. “I don’t know if this is a good idea after all.”
But Rachel smiles blandly, loving the attention. She has self-confidence brimming off of her, she doesn’t care about looking silly at all. She’s really enjoying all the eyes upon her, I think she’s getting a kick from it. Why can’t I be more like that? I would absolutely love to have that deep assurance.
“No, we’re staying. It’ll be fine.” She clutches tightly onto my hand. “You’ll be okay after a drink.”
I better be! I’m desperate to get some booze in my system now. To think, before I came to college I never would have drunk underage, but since being here, I’ve opened my eyes a little. It might not be the lesson I’m supposed to be learning whilst here, but I feel like I’m getting to know myself better along the way.
“Yes, get me a drink now,” I hiss back. “Otherwise I might freaking lose my mind.”
As predicted, by the time we get to the drink’s table, Rachel has become embroiled in a spirited debate with one of the fraternity brothers. There’s a fizzing sexual undertone to their words which tells me it won’t be long before I’m alone again. I grab my cell phone out and take a look at the screen, just to see no message from Jordan. He promised that he’d be here. He suggested that he might even arrive before me, but it seems that he’s been held up. I sigh loudly and grab the nearest cup, holding it close to my chest as protection. By myself, I feel even stupider in the dress. I’m like the nerdy school girl all over again who really obviously doesn’t fit in.
My eyes dart everywhere, I drink in the sights of this house which has descended into messy chaos already, and I wonder how long I’ll stay. If things don’t pick up soon, I don’t want to be standing on my own in this dress. Once I know Rachel is okay and happy, I’ll duck and dart out. The safety of my bedroom is already calling out to me, begging me to lie down on my bed sheets, to be anywhere but here…
This is the last time I get talked into something I’m unsure of, I think with determination. Next time, I’ll just tell Rachel no. I’m sure she doesn’t really need me around anyway.
“Hey,” a gruff voice captures my attention. Unfortunately, it isn’t the voice I want it to be. “How are you?”
“Erm, yeah.” I nod slowly. “I’m good thank you. I don’t know anyone here though.”