“You can’t fix me,” he hissed.
“I’m not trying to fix you. I don’t think you’re broken. I think you need support and you need to have a reason to trust people again…That’s it.”
“Oh, quick fix,” he said with a snap of his fingers, “Just like that, you’ve solved all of my problems.”
“Shut up, Johnathan!” I screamed, this time growing angry, knowing that he was simply trying to push me away. “Listen to me, for once. Get it through your head that I am not Sarah and I never will be her. She was a bitch and your so-called friends were a bunch of assholes. Unfortunately, you seemed to attract some pretty shitty people in your life, and I’m sorry for that, but I refuse to be lumped in with them. I’m not perfect, by any means, but I have your best intentions in mind. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, but I did and now, the thought of you leaving me behind at the ranger’s station, the idea that I am going to have to watch you walk away, shatters me.”
My outburst had brought an even m
ore pronounced round of tears that I had tried to bridle but failed. However, at least he was listening to me.
When I stopped to breathe, however, Johnathan didn’t move. He didn’t try to comfort me, but he also didn’t argue with me.
I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, but I felt that I was on a roll and I wasn’t about to stop, simply because I wasn’t sure how he was going to react.
“I’m sure you don’t know this, and you might not even believe me, but I really don’t care. I’m going to tell you anyway. I spent the time before I had fallen asleep planning how I would be able to help you get your life back together. I was excited for our journey together. I was going to see if you wanted to stay with me, not move in, like as a relationship, but just so you would have a normal roof over your head, so you could find a job. I was going to pull in some favors for you with people I know around my apartment and I was excited to be able to help you. I had every intention of helping you. Now, I know I can’t guarantee that it will be forever, but no one can guarantee that. No one can ever guarantee anything and if they tell you they can, they’re lying.” I stopped and sighed, sniffling back the now free-flowing tears, and running my sleeve across my shirt. “All I want is a chance to help you and there isn’t a way I can do that while one or both of us are stuck up here on this mountain.” I stepped toward him now, hoping that I was talking him into giving it a shot. I couldn’t tell from his expression, so I continued, “Please, Johnathan, tell me you can trust me enough to give me a chance.”
I stood there, hoping for a positive reaction, for what seemed like a lifetime. I could see that he wanted to react, but he stopped himself multiple times. However, I stayed vigilant. I kept my gaze trained on him, showing my steadfast commitment to helping him, hoping this would persuade him.
Yet, eventually, he turned away, unable to even look me in the eyes.
“I can’t do it,” he grumbled, “I’m sorry.” Turning back to me, I could tell that this was difficult for him too, but at that point, I was so angry, I didn’t care. “I’ll go to the station, with you, and help you get acclimated but then, I’m going home…and so are you. It’s better that way,” he insisted, but by now, I couldn’t even pretend to be understanding toward him.
“I was wrong to take what I said back earlier. You really are a coward,” I snapped, “I just poured my heart and soul out to you and you just dismiss it? I just told you I was in love with you and you don’t even acknowledge it?”
“Carrie,” he started, walking toward me gingerly, but I backed away.
“No. I don’t want to hear it. Johnathan, I while will never forget you for saving my life, and guiding me back to safety, but I also will never forgive you for not even giving me the decency of the benefit of doubt.”
“Carrie, please…” Johnathan insisted, throwing out his hand, in an effort to get me to take it, but I pushed it away from me.
“No. You had your shot. You had a million chances. You have made your decision and I’m done trying to get you to see it my way.”
With that, I turned and walked away from him, for what I imagined this time, would be for good.
Chapter 20: Johnathan
I felt my heart drop. Again, I had known I screwed up. I watched her walk away from me, with her face, streaked with tears, but this time, I wasn’t going to let her get too far.
Since I had made my commitment to her, I wasn’t about to go back on my word. I was going to be genuine in my efforts. I wasn’t going to leave her side until I was sure she was safe.
However, as I started to walk, she quickened her pace, as though she was actively trying to get away from me.
I looked over to Jake, who was sitting between us, giving his usual look of sheer disapproval.
“Yeah, yeah…I know…” I hissed as I passed him, “But you don’t need to shame me into it this time.” I took a few more paces toward her before calling out to her.
She didn’t acknowledge me.
“Please, Carrie, let me at least walk with you. I want to make sure you are safe…”
I tried to quicken my pace again but was sure by her actions that she was trying to stay ahead of me.
While I wasn’t about to leave her, I didn’t want to risk her getting hurt by trying to get away from me. So, I slowed down and kept my distance.
“Fine! I’m just going to stay behind you, then. You can’t do anything about that. I told you I was going to see this through and that’s what I’m going to do.”
Silence was the only response, followed by Jake’s groan as he ran ahead to walk between us.