“I’m sorry,” I answered finally, unable to figure out anything else to say that would assuage her feelings. “I don’t want it this way. I just can’t do this. I can’t help it.”
“Just like you don’t want my pity, or my help, I don’t need yours. If you want to help me get back to the ranger’s station, that would be great, but don’t feel obligated.”
“No, I’m going to help you, that’s not what this is about. I just…”
“You want me out of your life. I get it,” she answered, then started in the opposite direction, leaving me speechless.
“No…” I insisted, though I didn’t go after her. I wanted to catch up to her and I wanted, at least for the moment, to lie and tell her that she was wrong.
I yearned for her to be wrong, but the fact that she wasn’t wrong cut me even deeper.
At that moment, I wished I was stronger. I wished I could put myself out there and be the man she deserved, instead of the jerk she was stuck with.
Deep down, I knew she loved me, though I wasn’t sure why, but that was what made me want to get away from her even quicker.
Now that I had some time to think clearly and I wasn’t presently overwhelmed with the intoxicating effect she seemed to have on me, I was aware of what a big mistake I was making.
This thought process caused me to once again,
watch her walk away.
Chapter 19: Carrie
I wasn’t sure how I had managed to stay so calm. I was hurt and confused, even though I pretended I wasn’t either of these things. I had thought we were making progress. In fact, I was stupid enough to believe that he might even come back with me.
Maybe I am as stupid as he seems to think I am. I thought, trying to stay ahead of him, so that he didn’t see my tears.
The hike to the ranger’s station was like a blur. We didn’t stop once, even though my ankle started to ache a couple of hours into the trip, I didn’t allow it to stop me. I was too determined to get to the station and get the hell out of Johnathan’s life.
Jake was by my side for most of the way, but Johnathan didn’t say much. He was behind me, walking closely, but hovered, more than walked behind me. It was aggravating to me, but I didn’t say anything.
I wanted my space from him, but I knew that I probably wouldn’t fair well out here by myself.
I was hungry and dehydrated. I knew that Johnathan knew the way to the station and so, I didn’t want to separate from him, even though it was difficult to even breathe the same air.
My thoughts wandered in a million different directions as I continued to stomp along. Most of the time, I contemplated why I insisted on allowing him to hurt me like he did on such a consistent basis.
Even though I had claimed to understand, and despite the fact that I was able to list the reasons why I understood, I couldn’t truly contemplate his actions.
He’s unhinged…Completely unstable. You have fallen in love with a damn psychopath. I thought but was started by the revelation that had only hit me now. It made sense, as to why I was so forgiving and so stupid. It explained all my actions and all my feelings; I was in love with him.
Yet, he drove me absolutely crazy. We argued more than we had a decent conversation but, in those times, when he wasn’t being the Johnathan that I wanted to smack, he was a man that I truly wanted. His idiosyncrasies didn’t matter to me. I was willing to work with him, to help him.
I wanted to show him what he was capable, because for some reason, I could see it, even if he couldn’t. I knew that he was able to have a great life and I knew that once he realized that, I would be able to be part of that life.
I had never known anyone, quite like I had recently got to know Johnathan. While he was rough around the edges and kind of a pain in the ass, with all his wishy-washy tendencies, I still felt a connection to him that was deep and lasting.
I knew that if he walked away from me, if he truly didn’t want me in his life, because he allowed his past to consume him, without even giving me a chance, it would destroy me.
From the moment I met him, I had connected with Johnathan and I wasn’t ready to give any of that up. I still wanted him and for as hurt as I was, I somehow knew that what he said, wasn’t how he felt. I knew that he felt similarly to the way I did, but he was still imprisoned by his past.
Fortunately for me, that was one realization I didn’t have to fake. I knew that his past was the reason he claimed he didn’t want to have anything to do with me, after I went back home. I knew that he couldn’t bring himself to risk being hurt again and I also knew that his feelings had nothing to do with me.
I knew that this wasn’t my fault.
While I felt bad for him, I didn’t harbor any guilt. I hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, I had done everything I possibly could to get him to understand that I was trying to help him.
I was angry with him for not understanding, but I couldn’t say that I was surprised. I realized that after a traumatic experience, where your whole world is shaken to its core, it takes a long time to get any confidence back.