Chapter 18: Johnathan
Afterwards, I found myself in a similar position to the first day that we had made love. While I was even more content by the outcome, I was unsure of how all of it had transpired. I was confused and somewhat disappointed in myself.
I felt vulnerable, now that she knew the shitstorm that is my life, I wasn’t sure how I should react.
Some of me was happier than I had felt in a long time, but most of what I was feeling was anger.
I wasn’t guilty anymore, but I did feel as though I betrayed my own convictions. I was enraged by the idea that I had allowed myself to get emotionally involved.
After what we had talked about and everything that had happened, I had tried to be positive, but once the excitement stopped and I was left alone with my thoughts, the darkness of my past life was able to creep back in.
She doesn’t really want you. I told myself. She’s stuck with you right now. That’s the only reason she is trying to be nice to you. She is going to end up just like Sarah, if you aren’t careful. You need to end this, now, before it kills you.
Although, there was still a sense of trust in Carrie, that I had, though I wasn’t sure where it came from. I figured it had something to do with her honesty toward me and her willingness to call me out on my mistakes, instead of feigning happiness, when she was really planning to leave me, tear my heart out and stomp on it.
Yet, even with her apparent honesty, there was no absolute way that I could be sure she wasn’t going to destroy me.
All you have left is Jake and Jake likes Carrie. If she takes him away from you, what purpose will you have to live? I thought, knowing that was the only thing of value she could take from me now. She could put me in jail, I supposed, but what would hurt most about that was leaving my dog behind.
Therefore, I decided that he was the only reason I still had any care for keeping my freedom and my sanity. However, I did still want to keep it, and so I decided that if I didn’t want to risk the little that I was able to salvage from my first catastrophic relationship, I needed to get away from this relationship before it swallowed me too.
Although, after contemplating everything that had happened the night before and how good it felt to talk to someone about my life, I knew it was going to be even harder to let her go.
I ground my teeth, my jaw locking, as I tried to fight the urge to go back on my word. I had told her that I would try, and I owed her that; especially after everything she had put up with from me. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to revert to my old ways, but I was finding it difficult to press forward. Every time I thought about keeping my word to Carrie, genuinely trying to keep it all together, I would feel an empty, sinking feeling in my gut and I wasn’t sure I could go through with it. I wanted to, God I wanted to. I felt that if I could only break this cycle of guilt and distrust, I would be open to a host of different possibilities but as much as I tried, as much as I wanted to let go of the past, it continued to haunt me.
Thoughts of what could happen assaulted my mind.
Talking to Carrie about my past had helped me in one respect, being able to get it off my chest. Having someone who was willing to listen, who didn’t have another bombshell to drop on me, was something I hadn’t experienced before. Every other time I had attempted to relay the story, another piece of information was revealed, that plagued me. At best, I was fighting to keep my freedom, after learning of another bombshell the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had dropped on my life. So, having the conversation end the way it did, with sex that didn’t end with me getting stabbed at the back, was nice.
However, it had dredged up a lot of feelings. It had reminded me of unpleasant situations that I hadn’t wanted to think about in a very long time.
Flashbacks of being arrested, being drug out of the bar, without having any idea what was going on, was now fresh in my mind. Granted, the enormity of the situation was partially due to shock and partially due to intoxication, but that didn’t change the memory. It was still a pretty shitty thing to have happened and I never wanted to be in a similar situation ever again.
Without Carrie in my life, I could almost guarantee that I was never going to have to deal with anyone ever again, which meant my trust wasn’t going to be tested. I would never have to worry about what she was doing, or what she was planning.
However, without her, I also would likely never be happy.
I had a feeling that if I didn’t try to invest my trust in Carrie, I likely wouldn’t ever trust anyone and therefore, I would never give myself a reason to be happy.
After all, Carrie was right. I hated living out in the cabin all by myself. It was lonely and dark. It drove me crazy at times and I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to take it.
However, even with everything I had convincing me that there was something better, something to fight for, for the first time in a while, I still couldn’t bring myself to take that leap.
Before I knew it, I was reverting to my old ways. I hated it, but I also couldn’t stop myself. For my own sense of sanity, I felt that this was what I needed to do.
Hastily, I untangled myself from Carrie’s grasp and as she stirred, I told her, “Come on, Carrie. It’s time to get up. We have to go now if you want to make it back to civilization before dark.”
“Umm…Okay…” Carrie replied, rubbing her eyes, and trying to ward off the sleep that plagued her. She seemed confused, but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her confusion. I simply wanted to get the hell out of there as quickly as I possibly could.
I had made my decision and I wanted to act on it before I lost my nerve.
“Johnathan, can we maybe talk about this for a minute…Is there something wrong?”
“There’s nothing to talk about. There’s nothing wrong. I just want to get you to the ranger’s station before dark. It’s simple survival.”
Instantly, Carrie’s eyes narrowed, and she seemed upset with what I was telling her.