“I don’t think that,” Carrie insisted, but I could tell she was fighting to maintain her composure.
“Well, whatever it is that makes you so interested, I guarantee it won’t matter as soon as we’re back where we’re supposed to be.”
“You keep saying that, but you’re not worried about where you’re supposed to be, you’re worried about hiding!”
“Yeah, maybe I am. Even if you’ve got me all figured out, I’m sure I’m not worth deciphering. For all intense and purposes, Carrie, I don’t even exist. So, the best thing you can do is to view this as a learning experience and move on.”
I watched as Carrie stepped back slightly, in shock, but I could tell that she wasn’t about to accept what I was telling her. “You keep saying the experience, like I sought you out. I didn’t knock on your door and beg you to take me in. Like it or not you involved yourself, Johnathan. The experience I wanted was done the moment that the guide tried to take advantage of me!” She huffed, gathering her thoughts. When she spoke again, her voice was much calmer. “I didn’t ask for this experience, but part of me believes that this is what needs to happen. I think I needed to meet you. I think we might be good for one another.”
I hated the idea that she might be right and was annoyed at the fact that I had thought the same thing, during one of my more hopeful moments. However, I knew that agreeing with her, in any capacity was a slippery slope and so, instead, I simply blew her off.
“You’re too damn trusting!” I exclaimed, trying my best to sound like the dick I knew she would eventually give up on. “I’m cautious. That’s it.”
“You’re stupid, not cautious. You’re a coward. Instead of facing up to your fears, you run and hide in the mountains, bitching at anyone who even comes close to you, because God forbid you find one human who doesn’t fuck you over.”
I stopped short, now feeling a genuine bout of rage. I knew that I hurt her, but that still didn’t mean I appreciated the truth being thrown at me so callously.
“I am not a coward,” I seethed.
“Oh, yeah? What the hell would you call running away and spending your whole life in solitude? I’m pretty sure you’re not running from the law, so pushing everyone away isn’t exactly the best way to find a happy life.”
“You don’t know anything about me,” I hissed in protest.
“I know enough. It’s amazing what you find out when you want to know more about someone. Especially, someone as transparent as you!”
“Transparent? Really? Well, why don’t you go on another mountain hike. Maybe you’ll find a remaining member of the goddamn Manson family, and don’t expect my coward ass to come save you.”
“Oh, thanks. Throw that back in my face. Real mature!” Carrie screams back, her face reddening with rage, “You’re so pathetic! Just because you put walls up around you, doesn’t mean that I can’t see right through your bravado. You think you’re so tough, when really, when it comes to anything real, anything outside the realm of intimidation, you can’t handle yourself.”
“Or, maybe I’m just fed up with all the drama. Death is the only thing that is certain in this life. Not love, not trust, and certainly not friendship, so I’m sorry if I don’t want to go fuck every stranger I meet.”
At this, Carrie stopped, and I knew I had screwed up. I knew I had gone too far with my insults. I had gotten carried away, angry by her blunt honesty and I had really upset her. Being an ass was one thing, but I had used the only real thing I knew about her against her more than once and this time, I could see in her expression that my words cut particularly deep.
“Carrie,” I started, immediately trying to save myself, but she put her hand up and moved away from me with a sense of urgency. “Carrie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that…”
“You know what, Johnathan, I don’t really care. You could have meant it, you could not ha
ve meant it, but it doesn’t really matter. It still hurts all the same.”
“Dammit, Carrie, I’m trying to apologize!” I insisted, but I knew it was too late. My comment had already done its damage.
She ignored me, which angered me. I was more frustrated with myself than I was with her, but I didn’t have another way to curb my anger, so I lashed out.
“You know what, forget it! If you can’t accept that I am happy, then you can leave. I don’t need you trying to convince me why I should be miserable.”
At this, I received a reaction. I watched Carrie stop short, as her spine prickled with ire. I watched as the bones in her back thrust outward, underneath her shirt as she stood up abnormally straight.
It seemed to take forever for Carrie to turn around.
The stubborn ass that I am waited, knowing that I couldn’t show her any crack in my resolve. I had made my ultimatum and she was going to have to decide.
Even though I didn’t mean it and even though I wish I could’ve taken everything that I had said to her, this entire day, back, I couldn’t bring myself to admit any of this. Once again, I told myself that all I needed was myself and that others, Jake included, were secondary to myself.
After all, I had given everything I had and had it thrown back in my face. There was no way I was going to allow someone else to do that to me again.
When she finally curled around, I could tell that her equally stubborn nature was going to challenge me. I knew that she was going to call my bluff, even before her brooding eyes ensnared my gaze within her sight and her shocked expression turned to pure anger.
However, with the dramatic way in which she presented herself, I expected her to argue with me, or throw another hurtful comment in my direction, but she didn’t.