It was a question that had occurred to me, but one I never really pursued because it really didn't matter all that much to me. But I had thought about it briefly given that my brother worked at the same club and couldn't even afford his own toilet paper – he made our parents buy it for him.
“I dun no. Side jobs and stuff,” Luke said, not meeting our gaze. “What's it matters to you? At least he's making a living, right?”
“Unlike someone we know,” I muttered under my breath.
“You're just jealous and you have a massive crush, Maya,” Luke said. I turned bright red. “But keep dreaming. There's no way he'd ever be into a nerdy little high schooler like you.”
“I don't have a crush,” I lied, looking down at my textbook as if mitochondria and nuclei were the most interesting subjects on the planet. “I would never have a crush on one of your loser friends, Luke.”
“Ha. Yeah, right. We both see the way you gawk at him every time he comes over,” he sneered. “You're not fooling anyone.”
“Enough!” My mom shouted, putting her hands up between us. “Stop it already. Just stop arguing. I'm trying to watch my movie.”
I glared at Luke and he smirked at me. He knew he was right. And even worse, I knew he was right. He knew I had a crush on Reese, and no matter what I said, there was no denying it. And now that Reese knew, well, that would make running into him even more awkward than it already was.
I picked up my textbook, sl
ammed it shut and walked toward my room. The tears were fresh in my eyes and stung, but I couldn't cry in front of Luke. I couldn't give my obnoxious brother anymore reason to smirk or laugh at me than he already had.
Only a few more weeks until graduation, then I was off to college, I reminded myself. I'd be going to North-western, so not terribly far – but far enough that I would be able to avoid my brother and his friend. I'd meet other boys at college and forget that Reese even existed, I was sure of it. I was going to meet more worthy boys, not boys who worked at nightclubs and likely sold drugs on the side to live an expensive lifestyle that he otherwise shouldn't have been able to afford.
It was hard being eighteen and a virgin still, but I'd survive. One day, I'd find the right boy and we'd have sex and it would be magical. Reese would be a distant, shameful memory. And sooner or later, he'd wise up and drop my brother, the wannabe gangster. Then I would be the one laughing at Luke.
But until then, I'd hide away in my room, do what I needed to do to get ready for college, and escape from it all. I'd watch from my window as the two of them played basketball, laughing to myself as Reese obliterated my brother every time. Luke sucked at basketball – most sports, really. He only played so he could look cool next to his new friend from the city. The basketball hoop attached to our garage was just beneath my window, so sometimes they'd catch me watching. Luke would flip me off, Reese would roll his eyes and pretend I wasn't there.
But I could always find some measure of escape in my room. And by escaping, I, of course, meant masturbating, because God knew, I was still very much a young, warm blooded woman with needs and desires that needed to be met.
And yes, I often imagined Reese while I touched myself. Because I knew that he was just the right type of bad who could talk me out of my panties. He'd let me do all the dirty things my heart desired – and I wouldn't have to feel guilty about any of them. Not with Reese.
Not that it would ever happen, of course.
Which is why they were called fantasies.
A Few Months Later
Allie poked her head into my room with an overzealous smile. “We're all going to a club downtown, wanna join us?”
Inwardly, I groaned and stared down at the textbook in my lap. I was studying for a test, my first one in my chemistry class and I wanted to ace it. But there was some small spark of desire in me to get out and have some fun.
“Come on, the test isn't until next week, Maya,” Allie said, rolling her eyes at me. “Don't you want to get to know your sorority sisters?”
Yes, my sorority sisters. Me, of all people, had pledged a sorority – though, it hadn't been my choice. No, my mother had insisted I pledge. She'd been a Delta Lambda back in her college days and wanted her little girl to be her legacy. Even though sororities were so not my thing. I got in – thanks to my mother being an alumna – but I never really fit in. The girls – and my mother – kept trying to get me to come out of my shell, but it hadn't taken very well.
“You're a smart girl, Maya. Smarter than most people I know,” my mother had once told me. “You don't have to study all the time to do well. Go out with your sisters, make some memories. Heck, maybe meet a good man like I did with your father.”
I tried telling my mom I wasn't interested in meeting a husband, not while I was in college. Not with medical school on the horizon. I didn't want that to deter me from my dreams. I could meet a husband afterward, once I'd gotten settled into my career. I had plenty of time and wasn't in any hurry.
And as far as the sorority went, well, I wasn't thrilled to be a sorority girl. Though, I had to admit – if only to myself – that it was nice to have friends and feel like I was part of the cool crowd for a change. I knew my mom was right about getting out and creating memories with my newfound friends. I didn't want to look back at this part of my life twenty years into the future and remember that all I had were books and tests in my life. There was a part of me that wanted some fun and some wild stories to tell. And Allie seemed cool enough – so did a few of the other girls.
“What club? You know I can't get into most clubs because I'm not twenty-one –”
Allie held up what appeared to be an ID – an ID I knew had to be fake. “We have you covered, girlie. And we're headed to the Neon Dragon – that hip place downtown.”
The Neon Dragon. Why did that name ring a bell? Then it hit me. My brother worked there. At least, he had once upon a time. Not that long ago really. He'd not so surprisingly managed to get himself fired for drinking on the job. His good friend Reese still worked there, though. If I was going to go – and I was leaning toward going – I knew I would just have to avoid the DJ booth since he knew I wasn't twenty-one.
“I've never been to a club before,” I said, biting my lip. “I don't think I even know how to dress for it.”
Allie squealed with delight, as if I'd already told her I was going. I hadn't given her an affirmative answer yet, but she heard one anyway.