“I’m sorry, Jeremy, I didn’t mean to… I just didn’t want to say something wrong, that’s all.”
“Well, yet again you fucking let me down. You made life really complicated for me again.” He shakes his head, clearly very dismayed with me. “Now I’ll have to work extra hard.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that Arthur was such an important person to you…”
“Because you never listen to me!” he explodes. “You never care what I’m saying to you.”
That one hundred percent isn’t the truth. I listen carefully to every word of his because it goes into my defense arsenal so that I don’t do anything specific to set his temper off. But I can’t argue that. His face is red and the anger vein in his forehead is popping. I can’t push him a step further.
“You are always so self-involved Nova, honestly. I’ve never met anyone quite like you.”
“I’m sorry, Jeremy, I didn’t mean to cause all of this. I can help you fix it.”
He laughs nastily at me. “You can’t help me. You’re thick as shit, Nova. You have absolutely no experience in the workplace at all. What on earth could you offer me? Come on, tell me, what can you offer me?”
He wants me to feel stupid, and I’ll admit that I do. I feel small and insignificant as if I’m worthless. My eyes dart down towards the ground, unable to look at him again. He doesn’t want me to speak and I don’t want to talk to him either, so we remain where we are letting the thick silence run between us.
“Right, well since you don’t have anything to say, I’m heading out.”
“Where are you going?” I don’t know why I even ask this, I want him gone.
“I’m heading out to see Melanie. She will be able to help me with what I need to get done.”
The way he says ‘Melanie’ is so sexual that I just know she’s the one he’s sleeping with. It stings a little bit because it reminds me how I’m not good enough for him. I’m too boring, too plain looking, and not able to keep the attention of even my husband. What does that say about me? Nothing good, that’s for sure.
“I wouldn’t bother waiting up. I don’t know how late I’ll be. This might take a while.”
There’s one thing for sure. He’ll come back stinking of perfume and covered in lipstick, breaking my heart all over again. This is going to be my life forever unless I do something about it. It might be terrifying but making some changes might actually turn out to be good in the long run. I might get some life back. I don’t really ever feel like I’ve had a life. I’ve always been waiting for it to begin. This might help that.
When it’s obvious that I’m not going to reply, Jeremy stomps out of the house and slams the door so loud that it nearly shakes all the walls. It used to make me cry when he stormed out like that before. I would sob, now I’m just numb. There’s an emptiness inside me where my heart and stomach should be.
He has utterly destroyed me, I don’t feel like there’s anything left.
My mind wanders, instantly transporting to Zane Black, the lawyer who thinks he might be able to save me from all of this. He wasn’t what I was expecting at all. All strong and masculine looking, like he would be able to physically protect me from anything coming my way. I trust him, probably more than I should. I believe that whatever he can do will save me and he will cushion the blow as well. I don’t know why, but I just think he can.
Or maybe this is just a fantasy, I want him to be able to save me because I need an escape.
I can’t deny that he made me feel something though… something I haven’t experienced in a very long time. I don’t know what to do with the butterflies he brought to life in the pit of my stomach. Sitting in Zane’s office was a real experience. If I close my eyes I can imagine myself back there, swimming in strange emotions…
Once I was sure that Jeremy won’t come back, I locked myself in the cupboard under the stairs and called Clara. This might be a strange place to make a call, but I’ve learned that sometimes Jeremy sneaks back in to listen to what I’m saying, to make sure that I’m not disappointing him. In here, he can’t hear me. It’s a tiny little-cramped space, but it’s the only place where I can get some safety alone. I can sneak out as well, so he won’t ever know that I’m here. It’s the only place in this mansion where I feel any security.
“Hello, Nova, how are you?” There is trepidation in her voice. “How did your appointment go?”
“I met the man… Zane.” My voice gets thick with terror. “This morning.”
“Yeah? And how did it go? I’ve been waiting to hear from you all day. I’ve been on edge!”
“I had to wait until Jeremy went out.” I huffed loudly. “It took a while for him to stop yelling.”
“Fucking hell, Nova, this is not good. You shouldn’t be in that situation.”
“I know, but after today I might not be for much longer.”
“Are you serious?” The glee rolls off her tongue. “That sounds like a really good thing…”
“I’m trying not to get carried away with myself, but yeah I think it might turn out good.”
“What is the lawyer like? I’m guessing he’s a good one if he comes recommended.”