“There are two possibilities,” Hayley says, leaning on the table. “The first is that Ethan is really that fucking stupid, even if he had honest intentions when he brought the topic up. But, that doesn’t really make sense.”
“Why not?” I ask, frowning.
“You said Ethan’s entire focus was on explaining why nothing could come from the two of you having sex,” Hayley said. “And that he fumbled around, first telling you how much you meant to him, and then cutting any future possibilities off because he’s scared of relationships.”
I feel a little guilty for telling Hayley about this. That’s a secret Ethan has kept for a very long time, even from me. But I needed to give my friend the entire story to get her advice.
“That’s right,” I say.
“It feels like he didn’t really know what was going on, either,” Hayley says. “He saw a chance to tell you how he felt and seized it, wanting to clear the air. But it couldn’t have been some spur of the moment thing. For him to jump so quickly on a chance like that, he’s been waiting for it.”
“Waiting?” I ask. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that Ethan is a fucking idiot, but he wouldn’t have brought it up unless it’s something he’d thought about for ages,” Hayley says. “Which brings me to the second possibility. That Ethan couldn’t get what happened out of his head and, scared about what that meant, grabbed the chance to talk to you about it and cut any relationship possibilities off before it became a problem.”
“Wait…what?” I ask. My head is spinning. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s simple,” Hayley shrugs. She takes a sip of her coffee. “You forgot about it. He didn’t. You didn’t think, for even a moment, that a relationship could happen after you had sex. Yet, he brought it up, which means he’s the one who had thought of the possibility.”
I stare at her.
“Ethan considered a relationship with me?” I ask in a strangled voice. “But he…”
“I don’t know exactly what went through his head,” Hayley interrupts. “But, what I can tell you is that Ethan wouldn’t have worried about you having those sorts of thoughts if he hadn’t already had them.” She grins. “Seems to me that yesterday’s conversation happened because he was running scared about what it meant that he couldn’t forget having sex with you.”
I stare at her. My mind is whirling. Now that Hayley says it, it is strange that Ethan would bring that up a full week after we’d had sex. How long has he been thinking about it?
I’m still not entirely sure what it means, either.
“Ethan only looks at me like a friend,” I manage to say. “That’s how he’s always looked at me.”
“But then he tells you that you’re the only one he trusts,” Hayley says, snorting. “When he’s drunk, when all his inhibitions are down, he has sex with you. He lets you into his life, worries about you and lets you worry about him. Frankly, it’s more surprising that he isn’t fucking in love with you.”
“I would know if Ethan was in love with me,” I snap, a tight feeling in my chest.
Because I would know that. I know I would.
“Would you?” Hayley asks. “Because you’re pretty damn close to the situation, and you’ve convinced yourself that Ethan will never see you as more than a friend. And Ethan’s convinced himself of that too.” Her eyes gleam. “But then you had s
ex, and something is playing on Ethan’s mind. Maybe he’s finding that he can’t keep fooling himself.”
“But it doesn’t make sense!” I burst out. I’m not sure why I’m arguing, because Ethan being in love with me would be a dream come true. “Ethan can’t see me that way!”
“He couldn’t,” Hayley agrees, throwing me off. “And he already told you why. Polly really messed him up. When the two of you had sex ten years ago, he couldn’t even imagine having a relationship with someone else, even if it was a year since Polly left.”
She leans toward me. There’s a smirk playing on her lips.
“So, imagine this,” she says. “Ten years ago, Ethan sleeps with his best friend, lonely and desperate. Afterwards, he feels so guilty, and he and his best friend decide to pretend it never happened. But it’s hard to forget about that, so Ethan does think about it. And he decides that he can’t put his heart out there again, not even with you. He rejects his best friend, who he trusts more than anyone else in the world. And if he could reject her, then no one is going to be good enough. That thought carries him through over ten years…until he and his best friend sleep together again and, this time, there’s no ex-wife to be traumatized by.”
“What are you saying?” I ask, my hands trembling.
“I’m saying that Ethan mentally rejected you over ten years ago, and he never forgot doing that,” Hayley says with a shrug. “He fooled himself into walking away from you then. But he can’t do that now. He’s probably very confused at this moment.”
I let out a short laugh.
“I’m confused,” I tell her.
Hayley laughs and shakes her head.