“I was trying to tell her about how I felt,” I protest.
“That’s not the way,” Alicia snorts. “Again.”
I stare at the phone. Who would have thought this would be so damn hard? I bite my lip. What am I supposed to say?
Slowly, I start to type.
“As I told you the other night, you are very important to me. As such, I’ll respect your decision. I hope we can remain friends.”
“There… I’m not writing it again,” I say with a huff.
Alicia studies the message and nods.
“Not bad,” she says. “You didn’t ask ‘why’?”
“What’s the point?” I sigh. “Any way I can think of to ask sounds whiny, desperate, angry or all three. All I can do is just remind her that she’s someone important in my life, and hope that maybe she’ll eventually tell me on her own.”
“What about this ‘remain friends’ part?” Alicia asks.
“I wanted to tell her that there was no hard feelings and that I’m happy to talk if she still wants to,” I say with a shrug. “Why, does it sound weird?”
“A little, but it works, I think,” Alicia says with a laugh. “Well, I think you’ve done it. This is definitely a message you can send.”
I hover over the “send” button…and hesitate. Do I really want to send this? What if Amanda reacts badly to it?
“What’s she going to do, break up with you?” Alicia asks dryly. “Oh, wait…”
She’s right… My relationship with Amanda has already hit rock bottom. There’s only two things to do from here; stay at the bottom or work my way up once more. There’s no harm in sending a message, one that has no provocations in it, like this. It’s not even one that Amanda has to reply to. As much as I would like a reply, of course, I’m definitely not expecting one.
“What do I do if I don’t hear from her?” I ask Alicia.
“Today?” Alicia replies. “Nothing. Tomorrow? Let’s just take it as it comes, alright? For now, we just need to focus on getting this message out and hoping that she relies favorably.”
I take a deep breath, reading over the message one more time to make sure it sounded good. Then I hit "send".
I hope this works.
Chapter Eighteen
Lyle
One day passed. Then two. Then three.
And then the entire week was gone, and I still haven’t heard anything from Amanda.
Under advice from Alicia, I attempted to message Amanda again three days ago, a full four days after I sent her the first message. In this message, I reiterated that I respected her decision, that I hoped that she was doing well, and that I was hoping to meet for coffee to talk. Not about the relationship, I said to her, but about some things that I should have told her before.
She didn’t reply to that. Two days ago I tried to call her, hoping that maybe she might pick up the phone for a quick call, but she didn’t. Nor did she try and call back. Yesterday, desperate, I called Marie to ask Amanda if she was okay. Hearing that she’s been fine was a relief, but also painful. Amanda really is ignoring me, then.
If Amanda is that determined to ignore me, there’s very little I can do. I don’t want to show up at her apartment again; I have a feeling that that won’t go down so well this time, and I have no desire to have the police called on me if Amanda is feeling really petty. But I have no other way to contact her.
Now, as I sit down at my desk this morning, I’ve spotted a note on my desk reminding me that Amanda is due in the building for a meeting this afternoon.
I stare at the note. It feels like everything I wanted has actually been answered. Amanda will be here, several floors below me. And, if she’s here, surely it won’t be so surprising when the boss of the company she’s hoping for an alliance with wants a meeting with her?
It would mean outing myself. But honestly, I’m entirely certain that Amanda already knows at this point. There’s nothing else she would be so mad about it. I wish I could have told her myself, but that’s my own fault.
Now, there’s no point in pretending to keep it a secret if we both know. So there’s nothing stopping me from crashing that meeting.