“Nothing,” she said. “What?”
“It is not nothing when you answer me with, ‘that is really sweet’ and ‘that’s nice.’ So, spill it. What is it that you want to say about this situation?”
“I don’t know.” She sighed. “I mean, I love that you are finding this connection with anyone other than Grant, so I don’t want to ruin it but…”
“But what?”
“It’s just that you should be careful because Cameron is a hopper,” she said, shrugging.
I immediately heard what she was trying to tell me, and my mind went a little hazy. I had gone out to breakfast, let my guard down, told myself to not get attached, and there I was, spilling my guts to my best friend like some lovesick puppy. Maybe she was right. Maybe I picked the wrong guy to get over Grant with. I was never the girl that could separate her feelings very well, which was probably why I had an entire collection of chick flicks at home, waiting for another broken heart. At the same time, I wanted to believe that after Grant, I had learned my lesson and at least built up some kind of wall, even if it was made of paper and not stone. I didn’t want to think I was the girl that would fall for anything just because it felt like I was in a real-life romance novel.
I took a deep breath and picked at the fuzz on the sweater on the rack in front of me. Hailey was holding up clothes to herself in the mirror, and I felt like a complete idiot. She looked at me in the mirror and sighed, turning toward me.
“Look, all I’m saying is this guy goes from town to town, working,” she said. “That is his career. He doesn’t have a home base, he has been doing this a long time, and I doubt that he is magically ready to just settle down. I just don’t want you to fall for him. I know how sensitive you are right now. I just don’t want to see you get hurt. You know I love you like a sister.”
I nodded my head up and down, thinking about Cameron and about what Hailey was saying to me. For some reason, I understood everything that she was saying, but I still couldn’t imagine staying away from him. It just seemed too difficult. Grant had really taken a toll on me, but what she wasn’t realizing was that I wasn’t brokenhearted about it at all. I felt freer now than I ever had in my entire life. I felt free to feel or not feel anything I wanted for anyone. I felt free to have my heart broken or to break someone else’s heart. I also felt free to have an adult relationship where I knew that the end was near, but the time leading up to it could be absolutely amazing.
I wanted to feel that rush again, that rush you had when you were with someone and you wanted to be nowhere else. When your heart palpitated in your chest just thinking about them. All the sweet emotions before eventually they wore off, leaving you with just what you had built in the in-between. Maybe it was reckless, but it was exactly what she had set out to do before booking this trip. Only now, she was having second thoughts, realizing that my heart may indeed get dented.
“Look, Hailey,” I said, smiling. “I appreciate your concern, your care, and your love for me, but I assure you that I am in no way worried about the outcome of all of this. I do not think for one second that I will get attached enough to have my heart broken, but if I do, then so be it. Maybe it will be good for me. Maybe it will be the replacement heartbreak for the one I never felt for Grant. I am honestly not worried about any of it. I am having a good time, for the first time in my entire life. You have given me something that is priceless, a newfound freedom
that puts me in control of my own heart, and I promise I am never going to waste it again.”
“Well,” she said, chuckling. “That was quite the speech. I am so happy that you feel that way. I wanted that for you for a very long time. Do you know what I think you should do?”
“What?”
“I think you should sleep with him, get everything you can out of it, and then don’t leave him your number,” she said, smiling. “Do what men, including him, have done to women for years. Take control of your sexuality, do what you want to do, and go into it with no thought of ever carrying it on past this vacation. Then, you are protecting yourself, and at the same time, getting that feeling of freedom out of your system, so you can go home and be more productive than ever.”
“I like that idea,” I said, thinking about it. “I think that is actually a brilliant idea.”
“Good,” she said, tossing me a sweater. “Then let’s get you ready for it.”
I smiled and watched her walk off through the shop, stopping and staring at myself in the mirror. I could do this. I could be the girl that took what she wanted and left. I could be in control of my emotions, right? In reality, I felt strong and powerful in that moment, but it was different when I was sitting in front of him, looking into his soft brown eyes. When he stuttered, or stammered, when he opened up in a last-ditch attempt to get me close to him, I pretty much folded inside, wanting to be close to him. Just during breakfast, I thought about my dream, about standing on the top of Denali with Cameron and sitting there before sunrise, listening to the silence with each other. I had taken more from my dream than just amazing sex. I had taken the desire to be alone with that man, just the two of us, far away from everything else. Really being with him on a level I wasn’t really sure I was ready for.
My thoughts were interrupted by Hailey, who was calling me over to look at a new pair of snow pants. I sighed and smiled, looking at myself in the mirror one last time before walking over to her and giving my opinion. While I was there in body, my mind was somewhere else, combing the quiet of the morning snow and searching for a reason behind my intense reaction to this man. Either he was going to be the answer to my freedom, or a shot fired in the dark, striking me right in the heart. Only time would tell.
Chapter 15
Christmas Day
Cameron
Bells rang out from the adjoining church just a mile or so down the road, waking me from my sleep. I laid in the bed staring out the window, watching the morning snow float slowly past, melting as it touched the warm glass of my room. It was Christmas morning, but for me, there was no excitement to open presents, no one waiting for me out in the living room, and no big feast prepared. It was no different than any other Christmas I had spent on the road, but for some reason, I felt cold on the inside. I turned over on my back and pulled my arms over my head, stretching long and hard. There was nothing better to do than go downstairs and start my Christmas morning off with a nice, stiff drink. It had become kind of a ritual for me on holidays, something to start my day on a better note than loneliness.
I got out of bed and got dressed in a pair of jeans, my tennis shoes that I barely ever wore, and a warm sweater. I brushed my teeth and tousled my hair, spraying on just a bit of cologne, just in case. When I got downstairs, there was a light humming of Christmas music over the speakers and just a few people in the restaurant drinking coffee and talking lightly. Those were usually the older folks, the ones that enjoyed Aspen during the holidays and had little to no family to go home for. I walked into the lounge and sat up at the bar, smiling at the bartender and ordering a beer.
“I’m sorry you have to work on Christmas,” I said, passing him a twenty for the beer. “Keep the change.”
“Thank you, sir,” he said with a smile. “I extend my apologies to you, as well.”
“Thank you,” I said, taking my beer and standing up.
I walked over to the window and watched as two or three people skirted down the mountain, taking advantage of the empty slopes on Christmas Day. The crowd would be back, bright and early the next day, ready to ski in their brand-new clothes and with their brand-new equipment. It was always crazy between Christmas and New Year’s, and today was one of the few days I got to relax. It was a shame I was feeling a bit melancholy. I didn’t have anyone to celebrate Christmas with, and though normally it was Glen and I going it alone, he had taken a last-minute flight back home for the holidays, missing his family and deciding it was important to spend more time with his mother and father since they were getting older. I couldn’t lie. I understood completely how he felt, but going home for me wasn’t something I really had any interest in doing. So, there I was, sitting at the bar in Aspen, spending Christmas with a cool bottle of beer and probably many more to come.
I drank some more of my drink and moved back over to the bar, pulling up a seat and looking at the muted television. A Christmas Story was on, and I smiled to myself, remembering how Bea looked when she first came to my beginners’ class for skiing. I didn’t even know it was her, she was bundled up so tightly, and then the laughter that came from her chest echoed through the whole mountain, making anyone in range smile at her light and love. I looked up at the bartender as I finished my beer.
“Will you have to work all day?” I asked.