“I don’t want to be the stepmom, Haze.”
Saying it out loud finally pushes me over the edge.
I lose the war. I put down the weapons and admit a defeat that was evident from the start. The tears come streaming down my face. His features soften when he sees me wipe my eyes. At this point, breathing properly feels like a task you need a degree for.
“I don’t want you to have a kid with somebody else. I thought I could do it. But I can’t. I’m sorry.”
All hope is drained from the atmosphere.
There isn’t anything he can say to make this right. Because even if Riley stops lying, even if, for some unknown miracle, she stops wanting to be with him, she’ll still be the mother of his kid. There is no happy ending for us. There never was.
This is always.
And I can’t take always.
“All I see when I look at you is this life that we’ll never get to have together.” I choke. “All the firsts that you will give to her, and even when you do something as simple as smiling at Jake… it kills me. I don’t want to be this person, Haze. I don’t want to be the jealous girl on the outside looking in. I hate myself for it, but… it bothers me, and I can’t change that.”
He looks like he’s trying his hardest to think of the right thing to say. He’s searching for the one line that will somehow make all of this okay, but he won’t find it.
He won’t find it because it doesn’t exist.
“I was mad at Riley for wanting to spend the rest of her life with you, but I get it.” I place a hand on his cheek, look into those piercing eyes, and wonder if I’ll ever see them again. His eyes close at my touch, like he’s enjoying our last moment before it runs away and never comes back.
“I would’ve wanted forever, too.”
He clenches his jaw and fists to try and stop his feelings from breaking down his walls. Even in a moment like this, he won’t let himself be vulnerable. Seeing pain in his blue eyes suddenly feels like the saddest thing in the world. He looks down, staring at the floor. All I want to do is kiss him. I want him to drag me back to the bedroom where we’ll fix this without words. I want to run to him and tell him that everything’s going to be okay.
But I can’t. Because it’s not okay. None of it is.
I can’t bear to spend another second with him knowing it’ll be the last, so I turn around and start walking. I can hear the distant roar of Kendrick’s car outside.
Every step I take feels like a dagger to the heart. I lay my hand on the doorknob, but just as I’m about to turn it, he says the words that truly end me.
“So that’s it… I’m just going to lose you?”
My heart splits right in the middle.
I can’t answer. I just stand there, with my back facing him and my eyes flooded. I’m afraid if I turn around, I’ll fall back into his arms. If I turn around, I’ll stay.
“Say it.”
His words echo in my mind.
“Say you don’t love me anymore.”
Please, don’t do this to me.
“Haze…”
“Say it because it’s the only way I’ll ever move on.”
Please, don’t make this worse.
I can’t do worse.
“Winter, please,” his voice cracks.
This is my breaking point.