“Are you sure about this?” He asks, and I nod my head quickly.
“Are you still on the pill?” He whispers and I nod my head again, unable to speak. He mummers a “Thank God” and starts to inch himself into me.
When we were younger, it always took time, we had to go slow, my tiny body not ready for his, but now… no. Now, I’m slicker than a damn slipping slide on a mid-summer day. Once Rowen is in all the way, whispering sweet nothings in my ear the entire time, my body soaks him in. He gives me a slow thrust and then replaces it with a hard one, slamming into me over and over again. He’s breathing deeply and mine mimics his. If it were possible for sparks to literally be flying from two people, they would be right now. They’d be coiled in between our bodies, sparking with each thrust like metal on metal. He rocks into me as one bare hand grips my leg and the other clutches my hair. His lips land on mine and our kiss is urgent and demanding.
“Sadie. Look at me,” he demands in a strained voice. He pulls himself up on his hands and looks down at me, long eyelashes reaching almost up to his eyebrows. We stare at one another as he pulls out and jams into me again. Not able to take in his eyes, the way they’re speaking to me in a completely different language, I let out a barely audible moan.
“I love you, Sadie.” He groans, and I completely come undone. I come apart in every way possible; and he follows suit, landing on top of me, chest rising with each beat of his heart. The second the ecstasy wears off, I know I’m in trouble because he just took my entire heart, scars and all.
Twenty-Five
When Rowen rolls off me, we lay there for a long time, evening out our rushed breathing. I can tell he’s looking at me, but I won’t meet his gaze. Instead, I crawl over to him and lay my head on his bare chest, listening to his rapid heartbeat… probably for the last time.
He speaks, but it’s in a deep whisper, brushing the loose strands of hair around my ear, “Remember last summer when I said there wasn’t such a thing as bad luck or good luck? There’s just luck?”
I nod my head against his chest, feeling his coiled hair scratch my chin. “Well, I think the entire last three years were good luck. Want to know why?” I nod my head again. “Because every single thing that happened in the last three years, led us straight to this moment. And let me tell you, that was a once in a lifetime moment we just had, Sadie.”
I don’t say anything; I just lean over and kiss the skin that lays over his heart. He tightens his hold on me and runs his fingers through my hair for the next hour. I pretend I’m asleep so he doesn’t say anything else. Anything else that’ll make me change my mind on what I’m going to do the very second he leaves.
Rowen slowly crawls out of my bed hours before the sun is set to rise. He carefully slips his jeans back on, careful not to make any noise. I lay perfectly still, not opening my eyes. Not even when he leans down to kiss my cheek and tell me he loves me, which only makes the hole in my stomach grow larger. I hear him slip out my window, and the second I hear it shut, the tears fall. They cascade down the sides of my face, soaking my pillow. I bury my face in my blankets, which are heavy with his scent, and that only makes me cry harder.
I may be rash in my decision to pack all my bags and head back to college two weeks early, but I have to. I have two choices: I can stay with Rowen, finish out the summer, and go back to college, hoping things stay the same. Hoping he doesn’t leave me again, because that would no doubt destroy me. Or, I can go back to school tomorrow morning and run. It’s no secret that I’ve fallen madly in love with him… deeper than ever but if I give him the chance to leave me, again… it will literally kill me. So, I’ll do the killing for him. It’ll be safer this way. I’ll take my heart back and I’ll stomp on it myself. I won’t let him to do the stomping, because it won’t be stomping. It’ll be epically smooshing—leaving me with absolutely nothing but a wilted, trampled on, dying heart.
When Rowen and I were younger, our love was simple. It was puppy-love. That doesn’t make it any less of a love that we have now, but it wasn’t this… sacred. Our love back then wasn’t this raw and life-changing. We were young; we had a love-at-first-sight type of love. Now, we have the Romeo and Juliet type of love… the kind that will kill you in the end.
When I text Rowen at six a.m. to meet me in front of the high school, before his practice starts, he sends me an “okay,” followed by a question mark. I throw on my jean shorts, an old ACDC shirt, and my white tennis shoes. I grab the three bags I packed, write my parents a tiny yet remorseful note saying I’d explain later, and drag myself to my little Ford to set out for the high school.
For the entire drive, the little devil and angel on my shoulder argue back and forth. The devil, pleased that I’m breaking my own heart instead of allowing Rowen to do it, again… and the angel, who is crying her pure, crystal blue tears, telling me I’m making the biggest mistake of my life. But the sight of Rowen, standing in his black workout pants and a loose t-shirt, shuts them both up. I have a frog in my throat that I keep pushing down further and further.
When I step out of the car, he rounds the front and takes in my face. He can tell I’ve been crying, no doubt.
“Sadie, what’s wrong?” he asks, concerned. I take a deep breath and look out at the horizon, the sun barely peeking over the hills. It’s a strange sight. There’s the beautiful, bright sun about to unleash her yellow hue on the world, and then right above that, is the sharp contrast of the dark, deep night sky.
I choke, “I can’t do this.” And if Rowen’s expression is portraying that he’s surprised, I wouldn’t know, because I can’t look. I want to look. I want to memorize every tiny feature he has, just so my heart can hold onto something.
“What do you mean?” he questions, confused.
“I mean, I can’t do this. Us.”
It takes a few moments before he speaks again. “Why?” I cringe at his strained voice.
“I just can’t, Rowen. I can’t move past what happened three years ago. I can’t move on. It’s just… ” I pause and swallow the frog again. “It’s just better this way.” My voice is no longer a normal tone, it’s barely a whisper and I’m afraid he can tell just how much this is killing me. It’s better this way, Sadie, I tell myself.
; “Was this your grand plan? To make me fall in love with you all over again and then what? Leave me like I left you?” A jab strikes my heart.
“If I wanted to do that, I’d just leave without telling you goodbye.” I meet his face and it’s etched with pain. Good, maybe he’ll just hate me and make this easier.
“That’s bullshit. This is bullshit! You know that we belong together… ” He is mad. Hurt and mad. He clenches his jaw so tightly I can see the muscles ticking.
“Rowen, this is what I want.”
“No!” he yells, running his hands through his hair frantically. “Goddamnit, you know this isn’t right. You and I, we belong together. Despite the past.”
I say nothing, because I have no idea what to say. For a second, I rethink my decision. Maybe I should just take a chance, maybe things won’t end up like before. Maybe he’ll stay with me forever, but…
Maybe he won’t. Suddenly all those memories and feelings I’ve been ignoring all summer come crashing into my mind like a thousand bats escaping a cave. The hurt, the loneliness, the heartbreak.