“Is there something going on with you and Rowen?” He still has his arm around my shoulders, but it seems like no one has noticed as I scan the room below.
“We’re just friends.” My subconscious is “tsking” at me. As soon as the words pile out of my mouth and float into the atmosphere, I look up. My breath catches as I meet Rowen’s cold, hard stare. I almost want to brush Kyle’s arm off my shoulders out of instinct, bu
t I have to remember that I’m not taken and I haven’t been for two years, due to Rowen. He looks at Kyle and then back at me and I see his fist squeeze the life out of his beer can, causing some wandering eyes to question what just made him act so caveman-ish. It’s like everyone in the room knows there’s something else going on between us, even if I can’t admit it. It takes him less than ten seconds to drop the can on the floor and amble out the front door, slamming it closed.
Kyle’s arm slowly lifts off my shoulders. “Friends, my ass.” I peer up at him and he chuckles, shaking his head. He walks off to another group of friends and I’m left standing here, looking like I just got caught doing something wrong. But I haven’t.
Sixteen
Infuriated. I am so pissed off I can barely see straight. It’s such a foreign feeling, I don’t typically get angry. Once again, I think it’s a pretty useless emotion. But here I am, pissed as all get-out because Rowen just made me look like a complete freaking idiot! I quickly spill it all to Hannah Marie and Anna witnessing Rowen’s little fit. The more I ramble, the more pissed I get. The anger is bubbling and sizzling through my veins.
“I’ll be back,” I say through my fury.
I walk outside and put the poster in Hannah’s jeep first, then I search the large, perfectly trimmed yard for a sign of Rowen. I know he’s still here because I can see that stupid truck parked at the far end of the corner. I’m going to find him, and I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. Asshole!
As soon as I scan the yard for a second time, I see him slowly walking up the paved road. His hands are in his jean pockets and his hat is on backwards. Even from several yards away I can see how tight his shirt is on his biceps and for one, teeny, tiny second, it takes the anger away… but then it quickly comes back as I tread towards him.
Here we are, standing in the middle of the road giving each other a stare down. My stare is definitely laced with anger and is full of emotion whereas his eyes are… empty.
I yell, “What was that about?!”
“What?”
“Don’t you play stupid with me, Rowen Michael! You just made everyone in that room stare at me like I was a complete idiot!”
Rowen doesn’t say a damn thing. He just stares at me. I can feel his gaze all over my body, taking a bit longer on the skin showing below my shirt. Everywhere his eyes land, I feel the scorching heat left behind.
“Are you into him?” Oh, Jesus! This is about jealousy?!
“What if I was?” I cross my arms as he looks down at his feet.
“I don’t know.” He’s so even-tempered and here I am, busting at the freaking seams.
Walking towards him, “What don’t you know? Does that bother you? Me being with someone else? Because, that’s your fault.” I take my finger and push it against his chest. He looks down at my finger touching him and I know I’ve broken the no-touching rule, but this isn’t for fun. I’m just plain angry.
“I know.”
“Ugh!” I yell and throw my hands up, turning around to walk a few feet away from him. Why am I so mad? I know I’m acting ridiculous, but I can’t seem to get my emotions in check. I’m the most docile person there is and right now I just want to smack him… hard.
“Well?” I ask, as I whip around and face him again, arms still crossed.
“Of course it bothers me.” I inhale a sharp breath and feel the nerves wrap around my heart and squeeze. I feel like there is a little snake in my chest, coiling and uncoiling around every heartbeat.
“Why are you so calm? Fight with me!” I yell.
“Why do you want me to fight with you? You’ve done nothing wrong; I’m in the wrong here and it kills me.”
“Because I’m just so angry and I just want to unleash it on you but you’re being so calm and I just feel like a moron yelling at you in the middle of the street for next to nothing.” My voice has decreased to its normal tone and I can hear the shakiness that has replaced its strong tone.
“Do what you need to do, Sadie. Yell at me, hit me, I don’t care. Do whatever you need to do to feel better.” My heart hurts. My heart literally hurts staring into his deep brown, golden eyes that are so hollow.
My eyes start to pool at the corners as I whisper, “I want to hate you so bad.” I have to choke back a sob clawing at a rapid speed to be unleashed. He takes a few steps toward me, eyeing me to see if I take a step away. I should. I should step back and retreat to the house, snuggle up with Kyle or someone who will make me forget everything, but I stand still. Unmoving.
He takes a few more steps towards me and says, “Just let me make you feel better, please.” His voice is desperate and I can’t help but let his arms wrap around my tiny frame. Once they do, the tears fall fast. They fall fast and they’re intense. Being friends with someone shouldn’t be this hard. There’s unresolved feelings buried so deep inside me and I don’t know what to do with them. It’s like I’m this small goldfish swimming in the world’s largest ocean, lost and confused surrounded by so many things that can hurt me. The memories, the heartbreak, it’s all too much.
Knowing this is pushing the limits of our friendship, I take a step back and wipe my eyes. Not meeting his, not once. I turn my back and walk to the house, wiping my eyes and giving myself a few breathing moments before I go inside and pretend like everything’s okay. Like I’m okay.
Nearly everyone knows about Rowen’s and my little spat outside Kyle’s party. It’s been a week and a half since the party and Rowen and I haven’t spoken a single word about it. Hannah and Anna have hounded me on the details but I always change the subject, not wanting to rehash it with anyone, not even myself, and especially not my mother.