Because the boy who used to be the love of my life is standing in front of me. He’s pacing and screaming, the most vile words I’ve ever heard. “I hate you!” he shrieks. “Do you hear me, Addy? I hate you!”
I wish I could find my voice so I could tell him; I can’t love someone who doesn’t exist.
But his words…
His words already puncture me so deep. Like a carving knife being twisted through my gut.
“I hate you, you crazy bitch!” He punches the padded wall above my head. “I hate you because I fucking love you so much!”
Stop! Is what I want to yell at him. “Damien,” is what I cry out to him. You’re a fragmented delusion of my mind is what I refrain from telling him.
I’ve managed to tuck myself into a ball and I’ve crouched down in the farthest corner of my room, but that hasn’t stopped Damien from screaming. Or spitting hateful words inches away from my face.
I keep rocking and sobbing. Rocking and sobbing. Rocking and sobbing.
I think of Mommy in this moment. How she’d soothe me with soft words. Run her fingers through my hair. Blanket me with her arms. I think of how I need her now more than ever, but know that I’ll never have her.
Damien has one of my white pills in his hand. He must have found it in the spot where I hid all the other pills I haven’t taken in the last couple months. Behind my dresser in a small crack in the tile floor. The pill is pinched between his two finger tips and he shoves the pill in my face. “Take the pill, Addy.” His voice is hard. Low. Raspy.
I shake my head and swat at him, trying to push the pill away. “No!” I cry. “No more pills!”
Damien chucks the pill at me and I hear it thud against the padded wall. “Take the fucking pill, Addy!” He’s screaming again. I hear a ping as the pill hits the floor. My head is buried in my knees and I don’t want to raise my eyes to meet his. I’m not afraid. I’m worried.
About the pain.
About gazing into his eyes and getting lost there.
About being swept up in the past all over again when I’m already on a path to the future.
I keep my face in my lap, trying to drown out the sound of Damien’s ranting. His voice is emotional and I can hear the sobs stuck in his throat. He’s panicking. In two days he won’t be a hallucination anymore.
In two days he’ll be nothing but a memory.
A boy that I loved.
A section of my heart will be reserved for him.
But other than that…
He’ll be gone.
Gone, baby gone.
My stomach clenches and my heart hardens. I’m not sure if I can even feel it beating anymore. Damien’s sobs escalate and mix in with my own. His crying almost knocks the wind out of my lungs and listening to it lifts my head from my knees.
No, Addy, I tell myself. Stay Strong.
I can’t bear to listen to the sound of his sobs. I can’t stand to hear the pain in his voice. I want to go to him. Hold him. Place my head on his shoulder. Inhale his familiar scent. I want him to flash that gorgeous smile that I’ve always loved.
Be he can’t.
And I won’t go to him.
I can’t.
I have a moment where I finally realize that the aching heart, the longing, the grief, the insanity…
I finally get it after all these months.