“What? Are you kidding me?” she asked and he squinted at her.
She turned slightly, her legs crossed and one of her hands under his and the other over it.
“I’m scared, Tex. I’m scared for a whole lot of reasons. I’m sorry I can’t accept this guardianship thing. I do want you to know that your age, your experiences, are not what holds me back from accepting a relationship. I’m just not ready. I’m not whole, Tex,” she said and then swallowed hard.
“What do you mean not whole?”
She took a deep breath and exhaled.
“I’ve made so many mistakes and went from being on the run, feeling like life was over and that I had no future, no happiness, to then feeling like I could survive and make it if I were strong enough and tough enough. I don’t know who I am right now. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like there are two halves of me. One that prays, dreams, hopes that I can keep Benny safe, succeed in life, and provide for us and not make any mistakes again. Then there’s the other side. The scared one. The one that worries about Bunny’s dad hunting me down and hurting me or Benny. The side that knows I made stupid mistakes. The first was giving up on me and my abilities, my dreams of graduating college and working in a professional career.”
“That’s normal, Evonna. Hell, people makes mistakes all their lives, but it’s what they learn from those mistakes that helps them to achieve their goals and maybe not make so many more mistakes as they go on living.”
“I don’t know that, though. I mean, you saying it or someone telling me that is one thing, but there’s a fear inside. It affects decisions in regards to emotions, attractions, whether or not liking someone is a smart move at this point in time.”
“You are attracted to each of us though?”
She looked away and then looked back up into his eyes.
“Yes.”
He nodded.
“We’re attracted to you, too, and we’re willing to take our time, to let you get to know us, and get comfortable with us.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready, and that isn’t fair to you and your brothers.”
“Maybe you need to do a lot less thinking, and more living, and just let things happen. Stop worrying about what could go wrong, and maybe things will go perfectly right. It’s something I’ve learned to do, and life is a lot less negative and stressful.”
She eased back against the bench and he did the same. He turned his body slightly and brought her hand to his lips. They held gazes as he kissed her knuckles.
My God, she’s so young and beautiful. What am I thinking? I feel so old.
“You’re the oldest of your brothers, right?”
He nodded.
“You’re like their leader? What you command or order, they do?”
“Not in life, only in the field, and more often than not, we work in sync. Always have and it’s what made us so good at what we did.”
“You say what you did as if you’re done doing that kind of work.”
“We are. Things have changed,” he said and looked away from her.
“How?”
He turned toward her as she sat forward. He reached over and up toward her face, cupping it.
“A gorgeous, sweet woman, and precious little baby dropped into our lives, and suddenly we wanted more, started seeing things in a
different perspective.”
He saw the tears fill her eyes.
“You think it was fate, like people say? That we were all meant to find one another?” she whispered, voice cracking.
“I don’t give power to fate. Never did, but something brought you into our lives, Evonna, and I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you that my brothers and I can make you happy, not control your life or take it over.” He stroked her jaw and stared at her lips.