“Because I love you more than him. Because I love you more than life.”
Sean’s mouth fell open. Even his heart skipped a beat. “You… do?” he murmured.
Cue a shit ton more surrealism.
Max groaned and pulled him close again. “Yes. God, yes. What I felt for him is child’s play compared to what I feel for you. It’s so fucking fierce, Sean. So fucking strong. I didn’t want to accept it, but deep down I—” He exhaled. “Fuck, cat… Deep down I’ve always known.”
A lump welled in Sean’s throat of pure happy mixed with fear. Max’s admission was going to rip out his heart again if he still wasn’t ready to give them a go. But Sean needed to know. He couldn’t keep doing this.
Kissing Max’s ear, he prayed for a miracle and leaned back. “So, what are you saying? What does all of this mean?” He searched Max’s eyes. “My heart’s still in pieces, Max. If you break it anymore it won’t be fixable.”
Max frowned, shoulders dropping. He exhaled and shook his head. “It means that all this time I’ve been fighting the wrong battle… That realization finally sank in tonight. It’s how I bumped into Jonah. I’d gone to your place…” His brows pinched. He looked down. “But then… when I thought I’d never see you again…” He grimaced and rubbed his sternum. “Then it really nailed me. Like a big-ass fucking wrecking ball to the chest.”
He re-met Sean’s gaze, his jaw back to ticking. “You’ve been fighting for us all this time by yourself. It’s time for you to rest, cat… and let me carry you.” His voice turned thick, his eyes blazing with emotion. “I promise to be strong for you. I promise.”
Sean stared at him, unable to believe his ears. “Could you please repeat that?” he breathed. “Just once?”
Max forced a small smile and palmed the back of Sean’s head, then pressed their foreheads together and reiterated. “I’m ready to be strong for you. I’m ready to love you. Please forgive me, Sean… for all the terrible shit that I’ve done… and say that you’re still willing to love me back.”
Oh, Jesus.
Surreal and then some. More like music to his soul. A brilliant burst of sunlight into his gloom.
Sean’s insides went wild, his smile impossible to detain. “Fuck yeah, I am,” he laughed. “But you better brace yourself.” Fisting Max’s hair, Sean kissed him hard. “’Cause your ass is gonna be red for a month.”
Max grinned and kissed him back, his lips and tongue like warm bliss, but before long, Sean sensed a stir of fresh anxiety.
Confused—and wary—he tentatively eased back. “What’s wrong, Max? You’re tensing.”
Swear to God, if Max was already having second thoughts, Sean was going to punt his ass into the rapids.
Max shook his head. “Nothing.”
Sean eyed him, not buying it. “Honesty, Max. It’s not just for Doms and their subs.”
Max stilled, lips quirking, but he quickly sobered back up. “I just want to make sure you know that… even though I’m absolutely ready to do this… It’s not going to be easy for me. Like, totally going against the grain.”
Sean nodded. “Okay.” He wasn’t exactly surprised. Max hadn’t allowed anyone close in years. Shit, well over a decade.
Max frowned. “Kevin’s suicide… It forced me to lockdown my heart... And to learn really quickly how to build walls. Lots of ‘em. Made of steel. Impenetrable and shit.”
“Yeah,” Sean murmured. “I noticed. You’re a pro.”
Max’s frown deepened. “Yeah, I’m a pro. Can build a wall in seconds flat. Problem is…” He exhaled, settling his hands back on Sean’s hips. “I never learned how to take them back down. Because I never needed to before. Never wanted to before. They kept me safe. Kept me sane. As long as they’re up, I’m in control.” His eyes turned anxious. His fingers absently squeezed. “So, now, to tear them down? To relinquish that security?” He grimaced a little. “It’s gonna be hard… And I just wanted you to know.”
Damn. Sean watched him, humbled to the core. Max had never been that straight with him about something so personal. Not when he admitted his feelings for Sean, or even when he told him about Kevin. Because events were events and feelings were feelings, but what Max just gave him now was a glimpse of his weakness. Of his deepest vulnerabilities. Of his fears. And for a proud, tough guy like Max fucking Kelley, that was huge. And Sean felt it. Made him want to say thank you and hold him tight, because in essence, Max was already letting him in. For the first fucking time in all these months.
Sean’s chest squeezed tight in bittersweet elation. He was going to help his man, help Max tear down his barriers. Show him that Sean was all he’d ever need.
Sean palmed Max’s chest and slowly thumbed his pecs. “I think I know a way to get those walls down. A way that’ll help both your head and heart.”