Sean blinked and looked up at him. Met Max’s gaze. “If you’re implying that I was trying to upset you, then no, that’s not what I meant. I was trying to find out if you still cared.”
Max’s brows furrowed. Although, granted, he could understand Sean’s confusion. The bomb Max dropped on him on Monday had been pretty contradictory. Still, Max didn’t get it. Sean’s logic made no sense. Hooking up with Kai to hurt Max, now that he could understand. But hooking up to see if Max cared? “So, you weren’t trying to get back at me?”
Sean looked back down. “No.”
“Only wanted to see if I cared.”
“Yeah… That’s it… I needed to know.”
Max’s brows dipped lower. “Then why make me watch? All that did was make me go postal.”
Again, Sean looked at him. His lips curved. “Why postal?”
Max scowled. “Because I—” He paused. Shit. He pursed his lips and glanced away.
Because he cared.
And now Sean new it.
Max’s shoulders slumped.
He was such an idiot.
But then something occurred to him. He looked at Sean and frowned. “But the shit you were doing… With Kai… In that room... You may’ve been bluffing but that was real.”
Sean exhaled and eyed the rapids. “I know. I took a gamble… that you wouldn’t let it happen. That you’d fold before shit ever even got started.”
And boy, did Max ever. Showed his whole fucking hand. Leaving no doubts whatsoever about how he felt. Thing was, he hadn’t caved right away. Didn’t finally snap until—
Max stiffened. Oh, God. Sean had been counting on Max to cancel the scene. Never wanted to engage with Kai at all. His stomach pitched sickly. Bile surged up his throat. Because he hadn’t fucking cancelled it. He’d given his fucking blessing. Gave it and then watched it fucking happen.
“Fuck, Sean,” he rasped. “I’m so fucking sorry. I was trying to tough it out. Thought that’s what you wanted.”
Sean loosed a soft chuckle. “Wasn’t your fault.”
Yes, it was. Sean never would’ve been in that position to begin with if it hadn’t been for Max.
As if sensing Max’s turmoil, Sean looked at him and sighed. “I entered at my own risk, Max. That shit’s on me. And besides, you did come back, remember? Before things went too far.”
Max fought the urge to balk. Sean thought things hadn’t gone too far? For fuck’s sake, he’d been sucking Kai’s dick. Max grit his teeth. “No, Sean, I didn’t. Kai had his cock in your mouth.”
Sean reared back and frowned. “What? No, he didn’t.”
Max eyed him incredulously. Was he seriously trying to deny it? “Sean. I was watching,” he ground out. “I saw it.”
“Oh, no you fucking didn’t,” Sean laughed, shaking his head. “I was sucking on his fingers, not his dick.”
Max readied to argue, opened his mouth and everything, but froze when Sean’s words finally sank in. His fingers? Was it possible? Because technically Max hadn’t seen it. Hadn’t seen Sean giving Kai head, only heard it. All the sordid sounds, but no true visual.
Max stared, confounded. “His fingers?”
Sean laughed again. “Yeah.”
“But the things he was saying... And he was moving his hips.”
Sean shook his head. “I know. Your guess is as good as mine. It was like he was pretending I was blowing him or something.”
Max stilled. Narrowed his eyes. Had Kai tricked him? On purpose? “Fuck,” he muttered, scrubbing his face. “I can’t tell if I should feel relieved or like a tool.”
Sean rested his chin on his shoulder. Looked at Max. Exhaled. “You shouldn’t feel like a tool, Max. Eventually shit would’ve gone there.”
Max frowned and met his gaze.
Sean smiled a little and nodded. “Would’ve been sucking way more than just fingers and you know it.”
Max grimaced and glanced away. Definitely not what he wanted to think about. Moments ticked by. He sighed. “So now you know.”
Sean nodded. “Yeah… So now I know. Although, honestly, I still don’t understand.”
Of course not. How could he? Max hadn’t told him shit.
Sean looked at him. “Your turn.”
Max suspected as much. He met Sean’s gaze. Goddamn, where to start? Hesitating, he searched for a way to begin.
Sean pursed his lips, eyes sad. “Why’d you do it? Last Monday. You were so fucking mean.”
Shit. Air emptied from Max’s lungs. “‘Cause I’m an asshole.”
Sean’s mouth curved down. “You hurt me, Max. So fucking bad. Like you ripped a freaking hole in my chest.”
Max’s heart pinched painfully. “I know… I’m so sorry. I hated hurting you.” He groaned and rubbed his brow. “Saying those things to you? Those lies? It gutted me, Sean. Fucking gutted me. Tore a crater in my chest, too.” Max exhaled. Closed his eyes. He needed to stay calm. “I just didn’t know how to fix it… Thought making you hate me was the only way.”
“Fix what? I don’t get it. Why’d we need to be fixed?”
Max fought back another grimace and stared down at the rapids. He couldn’t fucking believe he was about to say this. “Because I like you,” he muttered. “Way too much.”