I shake my head.
“Unfortunately, no. My date last night was a former professional gymnast, can you believe it? I didn’t even think she was sexy, but I wanted to just TRY to see if I could have full, penetrative sex with someone with a flexible body. She even said she could do the bendies, so I was hopeful.”
Archie stares at me.
“You know what those are, right?”
I shrug.
“I figured it was some bizarre gymnastics move that Simone Biles popularized.”
My friend nods but then smirks a bit.
“Yeah, it could be, but you know there’s a ghetto term called “the bendies,” right? Like from Urban Dictionary?”
I grimace.
“Why, what’s that?”
My friend cackles a bit as his face lights up.
“Well, it means a woman’s nude but twisted around in a contorted position so that the viewer gets a good look at both her asshole and pussy. It’s pretty sick, if you think about it.”
I stare at him.
“No shit. That did happen last night, but it was so bizarrely fucked up that it turned me off.”
Archie’s just giggles and whips his cell out to do a search. Then he snickers again and starts reading.
“Yeah, it’s right here. The bendies: A bent over selfie, normally done nude with the purposes of showing some ass/vaginal combo for full view. I think that’s what your date meant.”
I roll my eyes.
“Holy fucking shit, that’s rancid. But whatever because unfortunately, things didn’t go well last night. The date ended the same way these things always do: in failure.”
My buddy gasps again, his blue eyes wide.
“So no bendy-ing? Damn, that sucks.”
I snort.
“No, I said there was, but get a life, asshole. You’re so fucking immature, it’s unbelievable.”
Archie merely snickers again.
“So there was bendy-ing. Did you have to take her to the hospital because of them?”
I roll my eyes.
“Will you just stop? No, no hospital trip, bendies or not. But I have had dates end like that, believe it or not. Trust me: girls screaming during a quick trip to the ER is not what you want.”
Archie titters once more.
“Did she cry at least? Or was it just some ooh-ooh-ohh-OW!”
I pinch the bridge of my nose again while squeezing my eyes shut.
“This is why we don’t talk about shit like this. You’re such a childish asshole.”
“No, come on!” Archie whines. “I was just trying to make you smile because you’ve been such a buzzkill all day. It couldn’t have been that bad! You stopped before she had to go to the hospital, right?” I shoot him a look and he immediately apologizes. “Shit, sorry man. You’re right. Bruised cervixes are bad. My bad.”
I merely sigh again.
“No, we didn’t go to the hospital,” I respond morosely. “Like I said, I’ve learned to stop when they can’t take it.”
Archie clicks his tongue as he thinks.
“But I need to get this straight in my head. Your dick is really too big for all the women you’ve been with? Seriously, all?”
I nod, and look down at the ground, feeling like a piece of shit.
“Yeah man, and I’m starting to think I’ll never find a woman. Not one who can really enjoy being with me. Turns out, there is such a thing as having a cock that’s too big. Who knew right? In porn, the girls are always loving it and begging for bigger, but I guess they don’t film the ones who wind up bandaged and bleeding.”
“Damn,” Archie shakes his head, “that’s not right. We need to fix this. We need to find you the right woman.”
I shoot him a wry look.
“Believe me, I’ve been searching for decades now. If you know where to look, just point me in the right direction.”
My friend puts a hand to his chin, his head bowed in thought.
“Actually,” he perks up with a sly smile, “I might have a solution.”
One brow raises.
“Oh really? Who? A circus acrobat? A woman who flies out of a cannon? I’m seriously stooping to those levels, bro.”
He titters and claps me on the shoulder.
“No, nothing like that, but I need you to have an open mind because I know it’s not something you would usually consider.”
I stare at him.
“Please don’t tell me it’s a contortionist. To be honest, I find those women really disturbing the way they twist themselves around. Like their head popping out from between their asses backwards and shit like that.”
He shakes his head.
“No, that’s not it although you’re a sick fuck, you know that? No, what I mean is that there’s a new escort agency in town.”
I start to shake my head no, but my buddy holds his hand up.
“Wait, before you shut it down, hear me out. I know you’ve never paid for sex before because why would the mighty Hulk have to put up cash for girls? But given your situation, I think this agency is worth checking out. It’s called Curves and they’ve already established a reputation for having the raunchiest girls in the business. I bet you could find a woman there who could handle the Hulk. Give it a shot at least.”