“Fine conversation to have standing in your boxers.”
“Would you like it better if I wasn’t in them?”
She threw up her hands. “This is why this isn’t ever going to work. Because we know each other too well. We know all of each other’s secrets. There isn’t even a hint of mystery about us. I know that one day, maybe not for years, but one day, we’ll get bored and wonder if there was more to life than just each other.”
Jesse shook his head furiously, eyes burning. “Not going to happen.”
“It could happen. It could seriously happen. Maybe you wouldn’t do anything. Maybe it would all be me. Actually, I know it would all be me. I was always the one getting us into trouble. Always. You were perfect. So nice. Sweet. Kind. Always thinking of other people. I’m not built like that, Jesse. I’d only bring you down. It would take the media like all of five minutes to figure out who I really am and stick a fork through me and call me done. Call us done. I know it’s not going to work. It wouldn’t have worked then, and it won’t work now.”
“You’ll break my mom’s heart.”
Oh god, there he was going with the guilt trip thing again. She wasn’t going to let him get away with it this time. “I- I know I will. That’s my point. One day, I’ll screw up. One day, I’ll do something wrong. She wants grandkids. Seriously, I don’t even think I want to have kids. I always said that.”
“You did always say that,” he admitted.
“Yeah, and- and you’re too- too good for me, Jesse. You always have been. Seriously. I’m not just saying that, I know it’s the truth. The thing is, we made good friends. Friends. It doesn’t matter if you’re good at- uh- well- doing things to me and it doesn’t matter that your body likes mine or whatever-”
“I really like you.”
“That doesn’t matter though!” She wanted to stomp her foot, but she knew how childish that would look. “Chemistry doesn’t matter. Love doesn’t even matter. Most times, that’s not enough. A lot of other shit gets in the way.”
“That’s only when people don’t have anything to fall back on.”
“And what do we have to fall back? A bunch of little kid memories and one random night we both can barely remember? Seriously? That’s not enough. It’s not enough and you should never have said you’d marry me, because my stupid brain dredged that up when I was stupid drunk and I stupidly drunk posted that and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t and now I’m here and this is already turning into a huge steaming pile of poop.”
“Yeah. We used to do that too. Gather up the dog crap from people’s back yards and light in on fire on the doorsteps of those snobby bitches who used to say you were too much of a tomboy to be pretty and any teachers who dared to give you a failing grade, because god, forbid, you ever deserved it. I always took your side, Syd. I always will. This can work. It can work, you just won’t give it a chance.”
“It can’t Jesse, because we don’t know each other anymore. We’re just strangers.”
“Syd-”
“No.” She had to cut him off, because she saw the pain in his eyes, and it was everything she couldn’t deal with seeing the first time she left because she never wanted to hurt him. She’d rather cut out her own heart than hurt his. “Call your Jeeves guy, whatever his name is. I want him to bring his helicopter and come get me. I want to go home. Please, Jesse. Please just let me go home.”
His jaw clenched. A muscle in it jumped right where his pulse point beat so hard. She wanted to put her hand over it, to feel that life beating under her fingertips. No, she didn’t want to do that. What she really wanted to do was put her lips there, press herself up against him, wrist to wrist, heart to heart, until all their pulse points were hammering together, beating in time.
She didn’t, because she couldn’t. The truth was, she loved him. She loved him and she really always had and she knew that the best thing for him was to let him be happy in ways that she was certain she could never make him.
“Please.” The word came out as little more than a hoarse whisper. She blinked back the stinging tears that threatened to spill over. She was not going to let herself cry. She had plenty of time to do that later, when she was alone.
Jesse’s shoulders fell. She almost hoped he’d stand there and fight for her a little harder. She might have given in.