“What was the worst thing?” he asked, his throat getting so tight he could scarcely breathe.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Actually, what I should do is run and check on Alana.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“You don’t need to.”
“I want to. I want to be a part of your life. And I’m frustrated because I’m not really sure how to accomplish that beyond lying to you.”
A crease dented her forehead. “What would you say?”
“What?”
“If you were going to lie to try and keep me in your life, what would you say?”
He looked at her, at her flawless face and the deep blue eyes that carried a wealth of depth and hurt behind them. Hurt he didn’t want to add to, even though he knew he already had.
“I would tell you that I loved you. That my life would be nothing without you. That I needed you. More than my next breath.”
Her blue eyes shimmered, tears pooling in them and he wished for a second that what he said could be true. But he didn’t know how to feel those things.
And even if he could...
He would never risk them.
For some reason that resolution pushed forward an image of a baby. A squalling, delicate newborn whose cries screamed need. Need for him.
It made his chest feel strange. Tight and heavy. A strange sort of helplessness crept around the edges. The kind he hadn’t felt since he was a boy, surrounded by evil he knew he could never combat.
And the people who should have been protecting them—protecting him—they were the monsters.
There was no hopelessness deeper than that. And he’d felt it every day, a feeling that had only intensified the day he’d learned the truth. The day he’d run.
And now you’re going to be a father.
The thought was enough to buckle his knees. To send him straight to the ground.
“Well,” she said, bursting through the haze of his thoughts, “that would certainly be dramatic.” She swallowed visibly. “And of course I wouldn’t believe you.”
“Wise. That’s what you call learning from your mistakes.”
She flinched. “I suppose so. Now, I’m going to go and deal with Alana’s crisis. Alone, actually. Yes, I’m going alone, so find something to amuse yourself.”
“Did you just tell me to amuse myself?”
“Yeah. I can give you some spending money if you like.”
He frowned. “You need it more than I do. But your attempts at flippancy over the past week have been amusing. If flawed.”
“As have been your attempts at being a decent human being. All right. I’m going.”
“Where is her shop?”
“I’ll text you.”