Oh, all of this was so complicated.
She accepted Andres’s hand and led the charge to the dance floor, eager to escape her embarrassment.
Once they were out in the center, she buried her head in his chest as he wrapped his arm around her waist and took hold of her hand, holding her close to his body. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Oh, I think I made a mess of things with Tabitha.”
“Tabitha is difficult to connect with sometimes. She’s quite controlled.”
“She wasn’t so much in this instance. I think it upset her that our relationship is going so well.”
He frowned, and her stomach twisted. She felt as though she’d said something wrong again. What if he didn’t think their relationship was going well?
There were so many uncertainties in all this. Insecurity had never been something she’d had to contend with before. She had been lonely back with the clan, but she had known exactly where she stood. Everyone had positive feelings about her; it was just that a protocol dictated they keep their distance. There was no wondering. People said what they meant; they didn’t play guessing games. With their mouths saying one thing and their eyes clearly communicating another.
“I think she is in a difficult position with Kairos at the moment.”
Zara was relieved to hear that, and she realized that a knot of tension had formed in her stomach that she had scarcely been aware of until it began to loosen. She hadn’t imagined that Andres had anything going on with Tabitha, not really, but she had been worried about it somewhere in the back of her mind until he’d said that. Love was making her slightly crazy. Especially with all the things that were unsaid. That was just how people seemed to do things here. That was how this family seems to do things.
She didn’t understand it.
She would have to, though. She would have to figure all this out somehow. Because she might need only Andres, but he came with a host of issues she would have to negotiate. Loving him meant navigating all this, and so she would. She had not survived a siege on her palace, loss and loneliness, to come out the other side weak and frightened. She had strengths. And she would use them here.
When necessary. Right at this moment, she didn’t need them. Being in his arms didn’t require strength. When she was in his arms, she was able to lean on him. A beautiful thing, since she had never been able to do that growing up. There had been no one for her to lean on. There had been only herself. The two of them would be much stronger. When the winds blew they could stand strong together.
That truth, that belief, was suddenly so strong inside her, burning with so much conviction that she could not hold it in any longer.
“Andres...I need to tell you something.”
“You didn’t stash your dinner in a potted plant, did you?” he asked, his voice full of humor.
“No,” she said, pressing her forehead to his shoulder. “Nothing like that. I just need to tell you...I’m looking forward to becoming your wife tomorrow.”
She felt him stiffen in her arms. “Well, this is a good thing,” he said, “as no matter your feelings on the subject, you will become my wife tomorrow.”
“I know. But I think that you should know that I want to be your wife. I’m happy here with you. I want to be a part of this, part of this family. I want to have your children. I want to be with you.”
He stiffened further, pulling away from her slightly. “What brought this on?” His voice was guarded, his expression shuddered.
“Our time together,” she said, feeling confused. “Things have changed between us. Surely you must see that.”
“We are sleeping together, if that’s what you mean.”
“It’s more than that.”
“Is it? It might be for you, agape, but I can guarantee you that it isn’t for me. I’m a man who has had many lovers, and this is all very run-of-the-mill as far as I’m concerned.”
There was something off about his tone. It didn’t sound like him. It didn’t feel like him. These words didn’t feel real. She knew Andres. Knew the glitter he got in his eye when he was enjoying himself, knew when his smiles were genuine and when they were forced. This was forced. As forced as any one of his fake shows of happiness and ease. He was trying to upset her, and she couldn’t fathom why.