Gathering more guts than I have, I lift my eyes to JJ’s. Her gaze is filled with so much panic and desperation my arms strain to keep from grabbing her to my chest.
The guilt and shame of what I did keep her words from fully registering. “How am I supposed to live with that?”
JJ turns her body to face me, leaning her side against the bed. “Counseling might help?”
I shake my head, resting my head against the mattress and looking at the wall.
“Then talk to me. We can help each other,” she tries, hope shimmering through her voice.
Inhaling a suffocating breath, I turn my head, and my eyes only touch on hers for a second before lowering. “I’m not doing that to you.”
JJ tilts her head, and leaning forward, she tries to catch my eyes. When I turn my face away, she asks, “Is it that hard to look at me?” Her voice grows thick. “Do I disgust you?”
This time there’s no stopping my eyes from meeting hers. “Don’t ever say that!”
One second.
I see her pain.
Two seconds.
Her shame dulls all the life in her eyes.
Three seconds.
I see how much she needs me.
Automatically, my hand darts up, and taking hold of the back of her neck, I pull her closer until our foreheads touch.
Her breaths shudder from her, her voice as broken as it was on the yacht. “I can’t change what happened. I don’t want to think about it.” She scoots closer to me. “I… tried to pretend it was you. That’s why I kept eye contact with you.”
It didn’t work, though. I saw her horror.
“I’m so fucking sorry, JJ,” I groan, and with zero energy left to push her away, I pull her onto my lap. Placing my hand behind her head, I force her to lie against me. I press my mouth to her hair, the remnants of everything we’ve lost scattered around us. “I’m so fucking sorry I broke my promise to protect you.”
“You did everything you could,” she whispers. “And when you could no longer protect me, you gave me a safe place to escape to.”
Lowering my head, I soak in the feel of her in my arms. “Safe place?”
JJ pulls back, and placing her hands on the sides of my neck, she looks deep into my eyes until I feel her between the pieces of what’s left of my soul. “You kept eye contact with me. It protected me from… what was happening.”
Unable to believe her, I shake my head. “I saw what it was doing to you.”
Her hands move up to my jaw, her thumbs brushing through my stubble. “It would’ve been so much worse without you there.”
Hearing I made a difference for JJ, some of the guilt starts to retreat, but then the fact that it doesn’t change anything makes it all flood back. “I still just stood there.”
“Daniel.” It happens slowly, like a dream unfolding. I see the way she used to look at me, as if I’m a God, and I realize it wasn’t just respect that put that look in her eyes. It was love. “They would’ve killed you, and once they were done with me, they would’ve killed me too. You know this.”
Shaking my head, I argue, “The bust would’ve gone down. I could’ve tried to keep them away from you.”
A pained expression flutters over her beautiful features. “We didn’t know what time the Bregu brothers would’ve landed. It could’ve taken another ten hours. We didn’t know. You did what you had to do to stay alive. So you could keep me alive.”
We didn’t know.
I stare at the woman who’s so much stronger than I ever gave her credit for. So much stronger than me. Christ, she’s a force of nature.
We didn’t know.
I had to keep her alive… no matter what.
After reeling for so long, I need to make sure. “You were really okay… being intimate with me?”
The corner of her mouth twitches. “More than you’ll ever know.”
The doubt lessens a bit. “You didn’t feel forced when I fucked you?”
There’s a spark of life in the brilliant blue of her eyes. “Not at all.”
It really starts to sink in. JJ never felt like I raped her.
Jesus H Christ.
Air whooshes from my lungs, and it has her leaning closer to me, her hands still on my jaw. “You didn’t rape me, Daniel. I enjoyed every second of having you inside me.”
Fuck.
JJ’s eyes fill with tears, her voice strained as she gives my demons a death blow, “What happened on that yacht was done to us. We had to do whatever we could to survive so they would face justice. The Bregu syndicate is behind bars. We have a solid case against them. You’ve saved so many lives, Daniel. I need you to realize that. All those girls in the brothels and massage parlors have been rescued. The syndicate will never hurt anyone again.”