“Yeah. That’s what they say, anyway.”
“These people want to help you. All you have to do is let them.”
“They feel responsible for me.”
“While they’re not personally responsible, Derek Wolfe is. They’re trying to make up for what he did. I totally understand where they’re coming from.”
More than she knows. The problem? I’ll never be able to totally make up for everything I’ve done. But I will try. And I will most likely die trying.
Perhaps the red will never be completely off my ledger, but I have to do something.
You’ve done something, the angel on my shoulder says. You gave evidence to the authorities.
That just makes you a canary, the devil on my other shoulder says.
They’re both right. I still feel like shit.
“Yeah, I get how they’re feeling,” she says.
“Don’t you worry. You’re going to be fantastic.”
“What will I do? You’re not going to be here.”
“Baby, I won’t be of any help to you with your job.”
“But just knowing that you’re here. That will help me more than anything.”
“I will be here,” I say, touching her chest. “Right in here.”
I get a smile out of her then. It’s a weak smile, but at least it’s a smile.
“I’ll always be in your heart too, Luke.”
“You will,” I say.
“I just wish…”
“Me too, baby. Me too.”
More than you know.
The next morning, I rise early. I sit next to Katelyn when I’m dressed.
“Wake up, baby. Time to go.”
“You mean I can’t stay here?”
“Not this time.”
I left her here the last time, when my plan was to get on a bus to LA. But Pollack figured out who I was. Granted, all he found was my street name. He didn’t know my true identity, and he also didn’t know exactly what my street name meant, but he knew enough.
If a stupid ass like Pollack could figure that much out, who knows what someone with actual brainpower can, which means Katelyn is not safe at my place.
“I had to sublet this place.” The lie is bitter on my tongue. I don’t like lying to Katelyn. But this is for her own safety. “The new tenants will arrive later today.”
“Sublet? You’re going to be gone that long?”
“Probably for at least a month.”
“I’ll come visit you as soon as I can,” she says.
“I’d love that.”
It can’t happen, of course. But again, I don’t want to hurt her.
“So you’ll call me?”
“As soon as I can,” I say.
That isn’t even a lie. The only issue is that I won’t be able to for a while.
“All right.” She gathers her clothes and dresses.
We didn’t make love again last night, just held each other. It seemed like the right thing to do.
I can’t have her worried. I can’t have her scared. I need her to be Katelyn. I need her to be whole for her new job. She needs it as much as I do.
“I’m going to get you a cab to take you back to your place.” I sigh.
“Can’t you take me? Walk with me?”
“I wish I could, but I have to get to the airport.”
She nods. Not smiling.
“Hey,” I say. “I love you, Katelyn. I will always, always love you.”
“I love you too, Luke. Always and forever.”
Once Katelyn is dressed, I walk her downstairs and hold the cab door for her. I kiss her lightly on the lips. I don’t want to draw attention to us.
“Don’t forget,” I say, “I will always love you.”
She nods, gets in the cab, and I close the door for her.
As the yellow sedan drives off, I stand.
I stand there long after the cab has disappeared from my sight.
And I wonder… Is it possible to feel your heart physically break?
Because I’m almost sure mine has cracked in two.
20
KATELYN
Monday morning, I attempt to throw myself into my work.
Luke hasn’t called.
Not even to tell me he got to LA safely.
I texted the number that I have for him a couple of times, just to check in. One time, I saw the three dots move. My heart sped up as I waited for his response.
It never came.
Despite two more texts to him, I haven’t heard a word.
As soon as I can.
His words reverberate throughout my mind.
I can believe one of two things. One, he no longer loves me and doesn’t care. In my heart, I know that’s not true. So it must be two—it’s not yet possible for him to contact me.
The second thought frightens me, sends chills through my body.
During the last two days, I’ve come close to picking up the phone and purchasing a plane ticket to LA. My mother would be thrilled.
But I haven’t done it. The Wolfes are depending on me for this job, which they gave me even though I’m completely not qualified.
I can’t let them down. I owe them my life.
But in a way, I also owe Luke my life. Life isn’t just existing. It’s living.