A slow, creeping horror fell over me. “Who found it?”
“I didn’t know until recently.” She blinked a few times. More tears spilled over. “But my dad found it. I don’t know how, but he found it, and he used that code to get through the back. That’s how he surprised Falsone. That’s how he broke into the compound in the middle of the night without alerting any guards or setting off any alarms. He used the code I wrote down, and he killed Carmine, and Placido, and Blaca. They’re all dead because of me, Mal. Because I wrote it down and let my dad find it. They’re dead because of me.”
She sobbed hard. I stared at her in shock, trying to take it in. Dead because of her? Because of some code? I stood up, pacing, shaking my head.
She shouldn’t have written it down. She shouldn’t have. That was a mistake. But the whole thing? Her fault? It didn’t make any sense. She’d been carrying this the whole time on her shoulders and only now was it spilling out. She sobbed, broken, red-eyed and grieving so hard, it racked her body. I stepped closer, reaching out my hands.
I was angry. So fucking angry. Rage filled me like a poison and it threatened to starve my heart of oxygen. I’d drown in this anger if I let myself. I’d burn the world to ashes first then I’d drown in it. Nothing could bring me back and I hated it, hated myself, hated everything that drove me into this rage. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.
But I wasn’t angry with Cap. I knew it, deep in my gut. I wasn’t angry with her at all.
I was mad at myself.
So damn mad at myself for not being there. So mad for failing Carmine when he needed me the most. Prison be damned. I was so mad.
Worst of all, I hated that I let any of this stop me from having what I wanted.
Carmine was gone. He was dead, and yet we both used his ghost and his memory to stay away from each other. To hold back, when neither of us wanted to hold back. I’d wanted her for a long, long time, and now we were so close.
But memory kept us apart.
It was stupid and wrong. I was so damn mad, but I wasn’t going to let it stop me anymore.
This was Cap. My Cap. I couldn’t let her cry and hold this on her shoulders. She didn’t need this burden. She didn’t deserve it.
“Cap,” I said, stepping toward her, but she jumped to her feet.
“Don’t,” she said, glaring at me. “Don’t, Mal. I don’t want to hear it.”
“Wait,” I said, reaching out. I wanted to hold her. Needed to pull her close and explain how it wasn’t her fault.
But she shook her head wildly.
“I got Carmine killed. Don’t you get it? My dad even changed the pin code to the safe in his office to those four numbers. He did it to taunt me. He bragged about it to the Russians. I got Carmine killed, Mal. You should hate me. You should despise me. You should hit me like all the others do.”
I stared at her, mouth hanging open. “The safe in his office? What did you do?”
“It doesn’t matter,” she said, tears spilling down. “I’m worthless. Don’t you get it? Why can’t you hate me? I got Carmine killed. I got him killed, Mal. I don’t deserve this.”
“No, you didn’t. You didn’t get him killed. Cap—”
She shook her head, not listening. She stumbled away and I chased after her, trying to find the words to make her listen.
“I did it. I did it and I’m not letting you absolve me just because we fucked. Don’t you get it? We’re sick and stupid. We fucked and that was wrong, and all you want is more. But I killed him, killed them all, and I don’t deserve this.”
“Cap, wait.”
She hurried off the playground and onto the sidewalk. Jogged past the Chevy. Ran across the street. I followed at a distance, numb.
“Fuck off, Mal. Get away from me.” Her voice was loud. Shrill. Borderline screaming.
“You didn’t do it. Cap, your dad, he was planning that for months. Years even. He would’ve done it no matter what.”
“I don’t want your excuses,” she hissed and ripped her hand away when I tried to grab her. “Leave me alone. You heard the truth. Now get away. Why are you still here? Get away from me.”
“Cap,” I said, shaking my head. “Please. Talk to me.”
“If you touch me, I’ll scream. Just leave me alone, Mal. You got what you wanted, now leave me alone.”
She turned and ran. I stared and took a few steps after, but saw a neighbor standing on a porch nearby. We weren’t far from her house. She could get home without a problem. But cops would be bad. Very bad for both of us. She might not be able to sneak home and then what?