Colin leaned his head back against the chair and closed his eyes. Even in his drunken haze, he realized Kate was right. He was an arse. They lied to protect a young girl from a duke’s wrath. The servants had known that he would take his anger out on her.
And they were right. He had spent the past eight years blaming her mother so, of course, he would have done the same to her. He would have removed her from the estate. The only reason he hadn’t ejected her mother was because of Selina. He couldn’t do that to a young girl.
But he wouldn’t have thought of her as a girl if he’d known that she had tried to deliver his son.
“I heard there was a commotion in here.”
Hearing the soft tone of his stepmother’s voice calmed him down. No matter how hard he had tried to push her away when he was younger, she had always been there for him. “Kate and I had a row.”
“I figured it was something of the sort,” she said in that light voice. “Would you like to talk to me? I might know a little more about life than your sister.”
“I suppose you do.” While he had been cordial to the duchess, he had never confided in her until now.
Once he finished telling her what happened, she released a long sigh. “You cannot continue on this path of blame, Colin. She was only a young girl attempting to do something beyond her years.”
“I know.”
“Do you love her?”
“Yes,” he admitted in a whispered tone.
“Then why are you letting this stand in the way of your happiness? What happened, happened. You cannot change the past. You spent eight years mourning a woman I don’t think you loved half as much as you do Selina. I never saw you look at Mary the way you do her.”
The woman was more intelligent than he had ever given her credit for. “Thank you.”
“You know when I married your father, I knew he was still in love with your mother.”
Colin looked up at her. “He was?”
She tilted her head and smiled at him. “Yes. He loved Elizabeth beyond words but knew you needed a mother. He picked me because he thought I would be happy just being a duchess. But that wasn’t what I wanted.”
“Oh?”
“I wanted your father’s love. I fought for two years for it. Until he finally admitted that he loved me. It was the happiest day of my life. Losing him ten years ago just about killed me too. I understand grief, Colin. It can consume you if you let it. Don’t let it. Life is too hard and too short to be miserable all the time. The happiest I’ve seen you was with Selina.”
He closed his eyes again. His stepmother was right. With Selina, he felt whole again. “You are a very wise woman, Mother.
“It’s about time you realized that. Now go to your wise woman and tell her how big a fool you’ve been and how much you love her.”
“I will.” He rose slowly. “But first
I must change. I will not propose to her looking like this.”
Selina spent the rest of the day in bed. Her heart ached, her body was tired, and nothing seemed to help. He had done exactly what she expected but still, she was disappointed in him.
She’d tried to tell herself this was for the best. Now, she could go back to her life as it was before he arrived. She would miss his tenants and servants terribly but Middleton’s tenants would welcome her. Once they learned she had taken over from Tia. Tomorrow she would force herself out of bed and speak with the viscount.
But for the rest of the day, she intended on staying in bed and crying her heart out. How could she still love him after the way he treated her? It made no sense.
Tears soaked her pillow. She had been certain he loved her. He danced with her three times at the ball and told her everyone was talking about their betrothal. So how could he have run out like that this morning?
She heard a knock on the door but ignored it. If it was a tenant, they could send for Mia. She always covered for her sister when needed. By not answering, they would assume she was not here. She just needed today for her self-pity.
“Selina?” Colin’s voice called to her.
God, no. She couldn’t see him now. Why was he even here? Did he want to humiliate her? Tell her to never set foot on his land again? She had already assumed he would never want her near, which was why she left. Perhaps he would go away if she stayed quiet or pretended to sleep.
“Selina?” The door to her bedroom opened silently. She heard his footsteps coming closer but refused to open her eyes. The side of her bed depressed from his weight.