Jennette leaned in closer to her. “Lust? I thought only men had those feelings.”
“Unfortunately, no. And that is why so many widows have their reputations ruined.”
“I don’t want to be lusting after him.”
“We don’t always get much choice in the matter. It all comes down to how we act.”
Jennette’s eyes shot open. “You don’t believe I would act upon these feelings, do you?”
Her mother smiled at her. “No, my dear. You never did so with John, why would you now?”
Jennette nodded. But the only reason she had never followed through on her feelings for John was that she never had these strange sensations with him. His kisses were sweet, not hot with passion. Even then, her thoughts had been on how Matthew’s kisses would feel. But telling her mother that would only cause her to worry needlessly.
Jennette had no intention of acting upon her feelings for Matthew. Even if his kisses created sensations she’d only previously encountered in her dreams. She would find him a wife and then she would be free of her past and could live in Florence.
Only every time she thought of Florence her heart sank. She truly never wished to leave. But she couldn’t stay. Matthew had given her five years of peace to enjoy life and gain her inheritance. He’d left Society for her. It was his turn to be happy.
At least that had been her plan. Seeing how Society scorned him, she doubted if her leaving would have any impact unless she told everyone the truth before she left. Doing that would mean never returning because there would certainly be another inquest. And she’d lied during the first one.
“Jennette?”
She glanced over to see her mother staring at her with a frown. “I’m sorry. I was woolgathering.”
“So I noticed. I called your name three times.”
“Oh,” Jennette replied as heat crossed her cheeks.
“I was wondering if you think Blackburn is using this marriage idea as an attempt to court you.”
“Court me? For what purpose?”
One dark eyebrow rose. “Shall I count the reasons? Money, status, reputation, not to mention you are a beautiful woman.”
Jennette waved a hand in dismissal at her mother. The idea of Matthew coming to call on her was the stuff of dreams. Maybe five years ago, he could have courted her. But not now.
“You’re being absurd, Mother. After all the rumors of him k—killing John because he actually loved me? The gossips would cut him dead.”
“Perhaps,” her mother drawled. “Still, remember what I said, there are far worse men who might have an interest in you.”
Matthew finished packing the few items he would need for a weeklong trip to Lord Aston’s estate in Surrey. As he placed a cravat into his bag, he wondered exactly how Jennette had managed this coup. Lord Aston was a very high-ranking member of Society. If everything went well this week, Matthew’s reputation would be raised a notch or two just for attending.
He supposed Jennette would have a group of women to introduce to him. While that had been his desire only days ago, since kissing her he now doubted any other woman would satisfy him.
He wanted her.
But every time he thought about how much he desired her, his guilt slammed into him again. If only he’d never told her how he felt that morning. If only he hadn’t kissed her that morning. If only John had kept his damned cock out of every other woman. Matthew would never have spoken to Jennette if he’d thought John could make her happy.
Damn. He was in a bloody mess. Marrying her was out of the question. She would never have him as a husband. There would always be John’s death between them, an invisible wedge driving them apart.
“Bloody hell man, aren’t you ready yet?”
Matthew turned to see Somerton standing at the threshold to his bedroom. “I had to let my valet go so I’m stuck packing things up.”
“So I see. I take it you let the butler go, too? I let myself in. Anyone might walk in and steal from you.”
Matthew laughed harshly. “What exactly would they take?” he asked, sweeping his arm throughout the stark room.
“Hmm, I see your point.”