“There’s something else you should know.” He dreaded telling her but wondered if this might be the only way she could forgive herself.
“What?”
“John wasn’t faithful to you during your engagement,” he whispered. “When I confronted him about it, he disregarded my comments.”
She stilled. “Do you mean he kept his mistress?”
Matthew shook his head, feeling worse about what he had to tell her next. “John couldn’t afford a mistress. He’d taken up with a couple of widows who didn’t need money.”
Slowly she raised herself up off his chest and stared at him. “What do you mean John couldn’t afford a mistress?”
How could she not have known? “John’s father had cut off his allowance because of his wild behavior. He had no income.”
“So he thought to marry me knowing my father would give him a large dowry and my family would never let us starve.” She blinked. “And of course knowing I would inherit a huge fortune when I was twenty-five.” She paused and stared down at him. “Why didn’t you tell me then?”
“I wanted to,” he said, looking away from her. “I tried to tell you that morning but John interrupted us.”
“Oh.”
“Would it have made a difference?”
“Yes and no,” she whispered so softly he barely heard her.
“What?”
“I’m not certain I would have believed you after your admission that morning.”
Matthew shook his head and sighed. “Of course you wouldn’t have. I’d just blurted out my feelings for you. I was hurt and angry that you were so in love with John…and not me.”
“I wasn’t in love with him,” she mumbled.
“You what?” His heart pounded in his chest with the hope that she could love him.
Sobs wracked her body. “I knew then that I didn’t love him. I—I was going to break the engagement. I’d tried a few times before but I had decided to break it off with John that day.”
“Oh, Jennette,” he said, holding her tightly. “You have never told anyone this, have you?”
“How could I? I killed him. For all I know, I did it on purpose.”
He pushed her away from him and stared down at her. “Never say that again. You did not kill John on purpose.”
“How can you be sure? I’m not even certain. Everything that happened that day is a blur.” She combed her hair back with shaking hands. Tears still fell like a summer storm from her beautiful blue eyes.
He grabbed her shoulders and gave her a gentle shake. “I saw what happened. Your foot slipped. That was all. John couldn’t react in time because the grass was slippery.”
Matthew hoped he was making some semblance of sense to her.
She stared at the bedcovers as if unable to move. “Do you think he could have forgiven me?”
“If he had survived, I have no doubt that he would have absolved you of all guilt.”
She nodded.
“Come here,” he said, bringing her back into his arms. “He was my best friend, Jennette. It would tear him apart to know how you’ve lived with this guilt.”
“It doesn’t seem quite right that the man whose life I ruined is the one trying to help me with my life,” she commented, wiping a tear away.
“Who better?”