“Eh,” I said. “I think you’re all bluster when it comes to him.” Mike was the owner of Jack It, the club where Sandy performed as Helena Handbasket. He was also the one that had Freddie Prinze Juniored the crap out of Sandy and Darren, getting them together in a scheme so convoluted and preposterous that I still wasn’t clear on all the facts, but I couldn’t deny the end result. Mike might have been a creepy bastard, but he’d somehow pulled off the one thing that the rest of us couldn’t: he’d gotten Sandy Stewart and Darren Mayne to stop trying to kill each other and instead got them to choke on each other’s dicks. It was an impressive feat, and even though he was a total skeezeball, I had to hand it to him. There was something unscrupulous in the way he’d gone about it that I couldn’t help but admire. But since he was disgusting, I would never say that to his face.
“I hate him, and nothing will ever change my mind,” Sandy hissed at me. “He’s lucky he still has the lungs in his chest from which to draw breath.”
“Funny. You used to say the same thing about Darren.”
“Paul, I will stab you in your pancreas. Don’t think that I won’t.”
“Empty threat.”
He grinned at me, razor sharp, more Helena than Sandy. “You want to try and see what happens?”
“Meep,” I said. Then, “Sorry. So sorry. Please don’t hurt me.”
“That’s better. Now, I will ask one more time. What. Is. Up. With. You?”
“Geez, you think after getting some on the reg, that you’d be—”
“Paul!”
I winced. “It’s… nothing. And can you wait till I finish before you look at me that way? Jesus Christ. It’s nothing big. Just… wedding stuff.”
He blinked. “You’re not having second thoughts, are you?”
“What? No! Of course not. Sandy. It’s Vince. I am not going to do any better than that. He’s literally a ten where I’m a soft five—on a good day. Oh, and there’s also feelings and love and all that other crap, but a ten, Sandy. He’s a ten.”
He got that frown on his face, the one I recognized, and I knew what he was going to say even before he opened his mouth.
“I really wish you wouldn’t talk about yourself that way,” he said. “You’re a beautiful, sweet, bitchy man. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”
I fought back the retort that wanted to come out. Regardless of how long Vince and I’d been together, regardless of how good he made me feel, there were always the lingering insecurities I carried with me. They weren’t as prevalent as they used to be, but they still nagged at me every now and then. You couldn’t be fat and not have them.
“I know,” I said instead. “And I believe you… mostly. And for once, it’s not even really about any issues I have. Well, not completely.”
“Riiiight,” Sandy said.
“Hey, it’s not. Okay, I totally just realized that that’s a lie. My bad.”
“Now, Auster.”
“Okay, but… like. Just, hear me out, okay?”
His work phone rang. He connected the call. “This is Sandy. How may I help you? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. A big accident, you say? With injuries? That’s terrible. Unfortunately, all our computer systems are down at the moment. Right? Such bad timing. Can you call back later? Uh-huh. Good, thank you. Have a green lizard kind of day!” He turned back to look at me. “Continue.”
Since I was mature and responsible, I had to at least say the right thing. “The computers aren’t down.”
“Right? But this is so much more important. Continue.”
I was done being mature and responsible. “I’m having doubts.”
“I thought you just said—”
“Not about Vince,” I said quickly. “I could never doubt him. He’s… Vince, you know? But I’m having his doubts for him about me.”
“Um,” Sandy said. “What.”
“Right? That’s exactly what I said. What is he doing?”
“No,” Sandy said. “But, like, for real. What?”