“Now’s not the time for dirty talk!”
“That’s your dirty talk?” Sandy asked, throwing his coat down on the couch and becoming a severe pain in my ass. “Disappointing. Paul, have I taught you nothing?”
“You still rhyme your dirty talk,” Darren said. “I don’t know if you have room to say anything at all.”
“I stopped doing that!”
“Last week, you told me you wanted to eat my ass while sitting on grass, and then you were going to give my dick a lick.”
“Dear Jesus,” Corey said, looking up at the ceiling. “Please tell your dad to smite all the gays right now. I beg of you.”
“You can’t call 911,” Vince said. “They don’t like it when you make prank phone calls. Not that I would know anything about that.” He shifted his eyes side to side.
“We’ll come back to that,” I said. “Because you’re a terrible liar and there’s obviously a story there. But first, they’re here to kidnap you for some archaic tradition that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. We don’t need to spend the night before our wedding apart. That’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid,” Sandy said. “Everyone does it.”
“Why?” I demanded.
“To preserve virtue or some shit.”
“Paul doesn’t have any virtue left,” Vince said. “I made sure of that.”
“So this is what being a fifth wheel feels like,” Corey said. “Neat.”
“And it’s just for one night,” Sandy said. “I don’t see what the big deal is. Me and Corey will stay here with you, Vince will go over to Darren’s and bro-out, maybe have a bro-beque—”
“Don’t you fucking dare start that again. I will rip off your motherfucking lips, Sanford Stewart.”
“—and then tomorrow, your fairy princess wedding will come true and everything will be wonderful and you’ll live happily ever after.”
“And Paul will cry like a little bitch because I’m going to win our bet,” Vince muttered under his breath.
I whirled around on him. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” he said, smiling sweetly. “Just saying how much I love you. Also, you should probably write your vows since you haven’t even started.”
“I have started, you fucking dick. In fact, they are so amazing that there won’t be a goddamn dry eye in the state by the time I’m done.”
“You haven’t started?” Sandy said, sounding outraged. “Are you out of your damn mind? You are going to ruin my wedding that I planned for you! That’s it. Vince! Get into your room. I need to make sure you’re properly packed. Corey, come with me. Darren, you stay here and make sure Paul doesn’t try to make a run for it or grab a knife to try and stab me when I come back. Paul, after they leave, we are going to sit down and not get up until your vows are finished exactly how I think they should be. I’ve obviously given you too much freedom in this matter. It’s time to tighten the leash.”
“Okay,” Vince said. “We do have a leash and collar in the closet. Just make sure you get the one for humans and not for Wheels. Paul doesn’t like it when I accidentally grab the wrong one.”
“You kinky sumbitch,” Sandy said, sounding impressed. Then he shook his head. “You know what? No. No more distractions. Everyone hop to it right now!”
Vince and Corey ran down the hall, shoving each other as they tried to be the first to get to our bedroom. Sandy grabbed Darren by the jaw, laid a dirty kiss on him, and then shoved his face away before he walked regally toward the bedroom.
“Stop staring at my best friend like you want to pork his beans,” I said to Darren. “That’s revolting and I don’t want to see that look on your face again. It’s unnatural and you should be ashamed of yourself.”
“Oh,” he said easily. “I do a hell of a lot more than that.”
“You’re a terrible person.”
“It keeps me up at night. So does Sandy sitting on my dick.”
“You should get out of my house. I don’t have time for you.”
“Right,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Because you still need to write your vows. Way to leave that for the last minute.”