“Well fuck me sideways,” I said, suitably impressed. “That’s devious. I feel tingly in between my thighs.”
Mike looked very tired. “I got nothing left. I don’t know if the lawyers will be able to do anything. Sure, maybe we can try to hold some kind of protest. But aside from having verifiable proof that the contract won’t be renewed because this is a gay bar, then it will just seem as if a small business is being evicted. And it’s not as if we haven’t been cited before. Nudity, drugs, sex. Shit happens here. How many times have the police been called? It’s gotten better, but we’ve been hanging by the skin of our teeth for a long while. I know that. But they shouldn’t be able to take this away from me. From either of us. It’s not fair.”
“And you think Darren Mayne will be able to change that,” I said dubiously. “Darren, whose own father doesn’t know shit about him. Darren Mayne, who doesn’t give a shit about this place.”
“I think you’re underestimating certain feelings, princess.”
“And I think you’re severely overestimating my prowess,” I said. “This isn’t some fucking romantic comedy. Life doesn’t work the way you’re thinking it does. He’s a fucking tool, but Darren is smart. He’s going to see right through me.”
“I guess you’re just going to have to sell it, aren’t you?” Mike asked.
“Jesus. Why don’t you do it, if you want it so much?”
“Ah, princess. I’m glad you feel that I could woo him in such a way.”
I made a face. “That’s not what I was saying at all. Why does this have to be about sex? Why can’t you just ask him?”
“Because he doesn’t owe me shit. Why would he do anything for me?”
“Exactly,” I said. “And why would he do anything for me? We don’t like each other. We never have, and we never will. Give me one good reason why I should even consider entertaining something so ridiculous.”
“Because this place is as much yours as it is mine,” Mike said. “Your name isn’t on any of the paperwork, but you belong here just as much as I do.”
“Not good enough,” I said.
“Think of the children.”
“Fuck the children. Fuck them right in their little faces.”
“If you don’t, I’ll make sure you never find work as a queen ever again.”
I laughed at him. “You think you can threaten me? Mike, I will crush you, you insignificant little bitch. Don’t make me cut you.”
“I’ll completely fund your campaign for Miss Gay America next year.”
“Done.” I didn’t hesitate. “Write it up in a contract. A
nd I mean everything. Airfare, hotels, costumes, music rights, everything. And this happens with or without Jack It staying open. Get your people to send it to my people to review and you better not fuck me on this, Mike, or you’ll regret it.” So I was selling my soul a little bit, but it was the Miss Gay America pageant. I would have sold Paul to get the finances for it. (I would have felt bad, sure, but Paul would have understood.)
Mike sighed. “You don’t have people.”
“I know,” I admitted. “But I’ve always wanted to say that.”
“And everything everything? I don’t know that I can afford—”
I snorted. “Bullshit, Mike. You own three clubs, two restaurants, an Arby’s—which, by the way, that’s disgusting and you should feel ashamed of yourself—and somehow, a Mexican baseball team called Los Gatos Locos, which translates to the Crazy Cats for reasons I don’t quite understand, but don’t really care to know. You can afford it. And even if you couldn’t, you’re asking me to seduce Darren Mayne. Go sell your ass for some green. I’m sure there are some johns out there who like middle-age desperation with a side of skeevy.”
“You wound me, princess,” he said, slightly mocking.
“Not yet I haven’t,” I purred, flashing teeth. “But fuck with me on this and I definitely will. You’ll find out what it feels like to have your balls skewered by eight-inch stilettos.”
“I quake in fear at such a thought. I know this is ridiculous, princess. It’s underhanded and firmly planted in a morally gray area. But I would do anything for this place. If that means doing something that others might consider reprehensible, then so be it. Everyone knows Taylor is a betting man. He likes to make wagers. Got him into a lot of trouble years ago. But I’m a betting man too, and I would put all my money on you, princess.”
“It better be all your money,” I said. “Because I have very expensive tastes.”
“I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”
“No more than I.” And I probably would. There was really no way this wouldn’t end in tears, but I was completely blinded by being introduced as Helena Handbasket, the new Miss Gay America.