The man in my bed coughed.
“Uh,” I said. “This is awkward.”
My ass was sore. So, at least I knew the guy had fucked me. Or done something to my ass. That was a start.
My phone stopped buzzing.
And then started buzzing again.
I picked it up, squinting at the screen. It was blurry and bright and I couldn’t make out a single thing.
“What?” I growled into the phone.
“Finally,” Paul said. “Why didn’t you answer your phone? I need to know if you need me to bring orange juice for the mimosas.”
“Some of us were sleeping, Paul. And no more alcohol. Ever. I mean it.”
“What? Sandy, it’s almost ten thirty. We’re getting to your house in like, thirty minutes.”
“What?” I screeched. “Oh my god, my frittata!”
I launched myself out of bed, throwing my phone across the room, already trying to figure out if a subpar frittata was better than no frittata at all.
When I opened the bedroom door, I realized many things at once.
First, I was completely naked.
Second, there was a used and sticky condom stuck to my thigh, along with what looked like dried spunk or glazed frosting. Since I was not a donut, I figured it to be jizz.
Third, I was never drinking again.
Fourth, I was still heavily intoxicated.
Fifth, my makeup was dry and cracked on my face.
Sixth, Corey stood on the other side of my door, hand raised to knock again. He was startled when the door swung open.
And then he screamed when he saw me.
Unsure of what was happening, I screamed too.
“Crawl back to the depths of hell, you foul beast!” he shrieked at me.
“What is even happening right now!” I shouted right back.
“Sandy?” He gasped, taking a step back, hand over his heart. “Oh my god, I thought you were some sort of nude hellhound coming for my soul. What the hell happened to you?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I’m totally fine. Obviously.”
He grimaced at me. “Um, no offense, but I don’t know if that’s true. You look like the aftermath of a fraternity gang bang gone horribly wrong.”
“What?” I yelped. “That’s the worst description of anything I’ve ever heard!”
The condom slipped off my leg and landed on the tile floor with a wet plop.
“That’s unfortunate timing,” I said.
“It really is. Imagine it from my point of view.”