“Do you think it’s healthy that a bird has a crush on my brother?” Darren asked me, arm warm and heavy around my shoulders as we sat on the floor, backs against the couch.
“Probably not.” I leaned my head back on his arm. “But then I don’t know if there’s really anything healthy about this family. It’s sort of our gift.”
“What a lovely thing to say,” Matty said, smiling down at me. “Did you hear that, Larry? Sandy thinks we’re gifted.”
“Of course we are,” Larry said. “It also probably helps that we’re a very attractive group of people. We should consider doing a family Christmas card and releasing it to the world like those soul-sucking monsters that I love do on TV.”
“Do I even want to know?” Paul asked.
“Your father likes the Kardashians,” Matty said.
“I want to get collagen injections in my lips,” Larry said.
“And butt implants,” Matty whispered loudly in his ear.
“And butt implants,” Larry said. “Because I like the way they work it.”
“Do it,” Kori said. She sat next to Paul and Vince on the couch. “Do both of those things. Then I will teach you how to twerk.”
“I’m going to get down with my bad self,” Larry announced.
“Jesus Christ,” Paul muttered. “Every Christmas.”
“I once got down with my bad self,” Nana said. “Back in the year 2013. It was a different time then. We could get down and no one would even bat an eye. Now, you can’t even show your nipples in public unless you’re breastfeeding. How unfair is that?”
“Okay, wait a minute,” Sherry Mayne said. She’d driven down from Phoenix at an invitation from Larry and Matty to spend the holidays with us. Darren had been shocked when he’d heard, like he’d still had a hard time believing any of this was real, then shyly pleased. I had wanted to wreck him after seeing that look. “That was only two years ago.”
“Right?” Nana said with a snort. “Thanks Obamacare.”
“I don’t think I understand what that means,” Sherry said, looking perplexed. She was the last person on the couch, next to Kori, squished in tight.
“No one does,” Matty said. “That’s why we just smile and nod.”
Sherry smiled and nodded at Nana.
“Darren,” Nana whispered.
“Yeah?”
“I think your mom is flirting with me. What do I do? Do I smile back? Or do I show her the flogger Charlie got me?”
“Oh my god,” Darren said.
“You can’t use the flogger yet,” Charlie said from his spot in the recliner. His feet were propped up, and he was running his fingers lovingly over the leather jacket Paul and I had gotten him for Christmas. It’d been expensive, probably more so than any other gift I’d bought, but it’d been worth it to see the look on his face when he’d opened it. I swear I even saw a tear or two, even though Charlie said I needed to shut my mouth before he spanked me in front of my boyfriend.
“You’re still building up the arm strength for it.”
“I’ve been practicing,” Nana said.
“On who?” Matty asked. “Mom, you know you can’t go around in public flogging people. Not again.”
“I know that,” Nana said. “I have a mannequin that I use.”
“And where did you get the mannequin?” Larry asked.
“Well, I certainly didn’t steal it from Sears while wearing my pantyhose over my face if that’s what you’re asking,” Nana said. “Also, on a completely unrelated note, I’m not allowed back in Sears anymore. But that’s okay, because it always smelled like old popcorn and cats in there, anyway.”
“Mom,” Darren said. “Don’t flirt with Nana. You’re straight.”