“I shaved my balls,” Brian said, apropos of nothing. “That should probably help too.”
I almost dropped my makeup sponge. “No one is going to see your balls,” I reminded him. “Because we could get fined. Or shut down. Or arrested.”
“Better to be prepared for every eventuality,” he said.
“How nice.” I got to work.
It was when I was halfway done that Brian spoke again. I’d plucked his eyebrows and nose hairs, much to both our dismay. I was applying the white cream foundation when he said, “Darren really likes you.”
I stopped for a moment and took a breath. When I thought I wouldn’t do something stupid, I continued. “Is that right?”
“Yeah. He gets mad at me whenever I’m near you.”
“And what does that have to do with me?”
Brian looked at me as if I was stupid. Which, to be fair, I’d asked a stupid question. “He’s jealous. Not that there’s really anything to be jealous about.”
That should not have made me feel as good as it did. “Not your fault, baby doll. He’s just a butt hurt little boy sometimes.”
“No, I know,” he said. “But still. He’s a good guy.”
“Some of the time,” I said, spreading the cream on his forehead.
“You’re beautiful,” he said seriously. “As either Helena or Sandy.”
I rolled my eyes, but it did nothing to stop me from flushing. “Flattery now, hmm?”
“But I wouldn’t do anything with you again.”
“Not flattery, then.”
“Not because I wouldn’t want to,” he said. “If I ever decided to do a relationship, I’d want it to be with someone just like you.”
“That’s… that’s very sweet.”
“But not you specifically, because you and Darren belong to each other. You remind me of my parents.”
I made a face. “Not the best thing to say to someone you’ve fucked.”
He laughed. “Yeah, but it’s sort of true. And I mean because my mom and dad just fit together, you know? They bicker all the time, and they never seem to agree on anything, but I can’t ever see them with anyone else. They work, because that’s the way it’s supposed to be. It reminds me of you and Darren. You make sense, because you’re supposed to.”
“Sometimes things don’t always work.” I kept my voice even. “It’s not anyone’s fault. It doesn’t happen, no matter how hard you try.”
He shrugged. “Maybe. But then you have to ask yourself if you really tried at all, you know? One day, when I’m ready, I’m going to make sure I try my hardest. Because if you don’t give it your all, you might as well not be doing anything.”
“Wow,” I said. “You are like my own personal daily affirmation calendar. I hate it.”
“Lie.” He grinned at me. “You don’t hate anything about me. In fact, if I remember right, you actually think I’m… how did you put it… a hot piece of ass, come on and fuck me harder, motherfucker, before I flip you and ride you like a bull in a china shop.” And of course, when he said this last part, he raised his voice and did some weird effeminate accent that almost sounded like an Australian by way of Russia.
Everyone was staring at us.
Except for Darren.
Darren was staring murderously.
“Oh my god,” I said, horrified. “My dirty talk is terrible and makes absolutely no sense. Darren said it first, but you just confirmed it. My life is over.”
“To be fair,” Brian said, “we were both drunk and it sounded hot at the time.”