That… I didn’t know that. “What? There was no tension.”
Sofonda tittered quietly. “Helena, surely you must be joking.”
“Why, pretty much every queer person in Tucson knew about it,” Georgia said.
“And Phoenix too,” Sofonda added. “And if it got all the way to the glorious mecca that is Phoenix, then you know it must be important.”
“Phoenix is a cesspool,” I said automatically.
“Be that as it may,” Georgia said before Sofonda could rise to the bait of Tucson versus Phoenix, “the fact remains is that the two of you are well-known for your UST.”
“I’ll admit,” Crystal said, “whenever I’ve been near the two of you, the tension is always so tangible, I’ve gone home to my vibrator and turned it up to eight. I never turn it up to eight for anything else. Anything. But after seeing you and Darren around each other, I felt my asshole deserved an eight.”
“Now that I’m sufficiently scarred,” I said, “can we please move on to more important matters? Ones specifically that don’t involve my personal life.”
“Aren’t you going to get jealous?” Summer asked.
I sighed heavily. “About?”
“Whoever bids on him.”
“Of course not,” I scoffed.
“But what if some brute of a man tries to take him away from you?” Summer asked, sounding scandalized. Then, “Also, as a side note, are we able to bid on homo jocks as well? Not that Darren and my wanting to bid have anything to do with each other.” She shifted her eyes back and forth. Shiftily.
“No, you can’t bid,” Georgia said. “But, since you’re apparently so kind-hearted, you could just give your money to the cause.” She paused, then looked at Sofonda. “What was the cause again?”
“Crack babies,” Sofonda said.
I rolled my eyes. “That’s not—”
“I can’t just give my money away,” Summer said. “Especially without getting something in return. That’s not how charity works.”
“I think that might be the actual definition of charity,” Crystal said.
“I think that’s enough,” I said. “We have more important things to discuss rather than my perceived relationship with the Homo Jock King. Like saving the crack babies and—”
“Does he have a big dick?” Summer asked.
I almost punched her in the mouth.
“Summer!” Crystal scolded. “What an inappropriate thing to ask of someone like that. But it’s a good thing I don’t care about propriety. Dish, Helena. Does the Homo Jock King have a monster cock? He seems like he should. Like he’s one of those unfair people who are beautiful and intelligent and so of course his cock would be big too.”
“I bet he’s not even circumcised,” Summer said dreamily. “All that foreskin just begging to be tugged on. With my teeth.”
“Jesus Christ,” I muttered. “Look, we don’t have time for—”
“Helena,” Sofonda said. “Just give us a little bit. A hint. Just the tip of a hint.
“We can take it,” Georgia said. “We’re ready. Give it to us. Just the tip.”
I sighed. “Fine. He has a gargantuan penis that’s uncut and right before he comes, I pull on his hairy balls and twist them until he wails like he’s singing an aria. And when he finally does come, it’s with the force of a cannon shot, a copious amount that I make sure gets on my face because I have a Krispy Kreme fetish and want to feel like a glazed donut. And when he’s finished, he rubs it into my skin and leaves it to dry and an hour later, I look like I’m suffering from a severe case of eczema. Any questions?”
They all stared at me.
“No questions,” I said. “Good. Moving on. Now, I’m so happy you’re all giving your precious time to help me, and I love each and every one of you. Summer, if you touch any one of the homo jocks in a way that makes him uncomfortable, I’ll fucking gut you. And you’ll never work in this town again. But that won’t matter, because you’ll be gutted. Now, let’s bring in the homo jocks and make them into the most beautiful homo jock drag queens the world has ever seen before we sell them for money like the
concubines they are to help save the crack babies.”