I said nothing.
Paul looked frustrated. “Helena—Sandy, he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t. You guys wouldn’t be together if there wasn’t something there. I don’t know why you can’t see that. Or even believe it. He wants to be with you. He wants you to be happy. Sure, he’s a fucking dick, and I don’t know what you did, if anything, but he wants you. He’s yours. And you’re his.”
And god, if that didn’t make it worse, that Paul of all people didn’t know what was going on. He was my best friend and he didn’t fucking know. I didn’t think I could take it anymore. Not from him. I said, “There’s something I have to tell you. Darren’s not—”
“I’ll take it from here,” a voice said from the doorway.
Darren stood at the entrance to the Lair. I hadn’t even heard the door open. Vince was crowding in behind him, peering over his shoulder. Darren only had eyes for me.
I looked away.
“I need to help him get out of costume,” Paul said.
“I can do it,” Darren said as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
That motherfucker. “I don’t know.” I took out a packet of wipes from my makeup case. “There are zippers and clasps. Might get a little complicated. Especially for someone like you. There are complexities that I’m sure you couldn’t even begin to understand.”
“I’m pretty sure I can handle it,” Darren said, dry as dust.
Paul looked to me. I sighed and nodded at him in the mirror. “It’s fine, baby doll. You wanted an early night with Vince as it is. Take it. I’ll be okay.”
“If you’re sure,” he said, sounding hesitant.
I nodded and he leaned over, kissing my cheek.
Vince pushed past his brother and came over to me too. He bent over, his lips near my ear. “I told him to stop being an asshole,” he whispered.
“Might be easier said than done,” I murmured back.
“Maybe. But I think he’d do it for you.”
I didn’t believe that, but he was sweet for saying so.
I patted his hand as he kissed my ear, a noisy smack before he stepped away.
Before they left, Paul stood in front of Darren and said, “Don’t be a fucking idiot. Or go ahead and be one, and I’ll stab you. Right in your fucking duodenum. Which, okay. I don’t know exactly where that is, but I’ll fucking do it, don’t think I won’t.”
“You tell him, baby,” Vince said, glaring at his brother.
Then they were gone too.
Darren closed the door behind them and leaned against it.
I ignored him as I pulled out one of the makeup remover wipes and began removing all signs of Helena from my face. It was grueling work, not just the makeup I used, but also coming down from the Helena high. For every smear of lipstick or mascara that I took off, the less powerful I felt, less confident. Helena was a shield of armor that I wore that allowed me to give as good as I got. Take that armor away and there was not a lot I felt I could stand for.
And it didn’t help that I was just tired. It’d been a very long day.
Darren still didn’t speak.
But I knew he was watching. If everyone else was to be believed, apparently he was always watching.
The makeup was done, and I scooped up the soiled wipes and threw them in the trash. Charlie had left a bottle of water on the vanity and I used it to wet a clean cloth, and washed it gently over my face, not wanting to irritate my skin. By the time I’d finished, Helena was there in costume only. Normally, Paul would have unzipped me by now, but I hadn’t been ready for Darren to put his hands on me.
I really didn’t have a choice now.
“I need your help,” I said softly, not quite able to meet his gaze in the mirror.
He nodded and moved toward me slowly, like one would toward a spooked animal. I wanted to scoff at him, to tell him to stop being so stupid, but I kept my mouth shut. He was lucky that he’d caught me when he did. If I was still Helena, I’d be thinking of ways to eviscerate him. As it was, I had ratcheted it down to a good maiming, if anything at all. It was odd, being caught between the mentalities of a fierce drag queen and a more demure gay man. Most people couldn’t understand the wear and tear it took on my mind and body to continually go between the two. It was harder and harder to get Helena to go to sleep. There were times when she burst out inappropriately, either at work or home. I was trying to get it under control, but sometimes, I just didn’t care.