“Of course you don’t,” Mike said. “It doesn’t matter. So you told Darren you were seducing him to get to his father—”
“Seducing? There’s been no seducing—”
“—and what should have been a relatively simple plan has turned into a drag bachelor auction. Which Darren has agreed to.”
“Yeah, see? I still don’t think you understand what simple means. Because nothing about this was simple.”
“It was simpler than it is now,” he pointed out.
“Okay,” I said. “But just think about it. Where something was once devious and underhanded is now devious and underhanded with a drag bachelor auction. I really feel like everyone is missing that point. I can repeat, if need be. Drag—”
“I got it,” Mike said. “And where are you going to get these bachelors?”
“Um,” I said.
“Sandy.”
“I can find them! People owe me favors.”
“You are going to call in favors to get single men to dress up in drag and have people buy them.”
“Yes. Though, I don’t know that they need to be single, per se—”
“My doctor told me that I needed to watch my stress levels.”
“As well you should,” I said. “A man your age. Your valves are probably sticky with twink semen and fried foods. And since you haven’t yet sold your black soul to the devil, it’s good advice.”
“You are my stress level.”
“I am going to choose to take that as an endearment,” I decided. “It will help me sleep better tonight. And I’ll forget it by tomorrow, so it’s a win for both of us.”
“I’ll remind myself of winning when I’m taking the hypertension medication,” Mike said dryly. “Princess, if you don’t have bachelors to auction off, then you don’t have an auction. It’s kind of how that works.”
It really shouldn’t have been so easy to think of who I could get. “The
homo jocks,” I said, taking my phone out again. “They’re muscular and dumb enough to do this, right? Piece of cake.”
“Maybe not describe them like that when you ask them,” Mike said. “Even if it’s true. It might make them sad. And we don’t want sad homo jocks in drag. You won’t raise any money at all.”
“Won’t have to,” I said as I dialed Darren. “I’ll get their king to do it. He owes me. I think. Or I owe him. I don’t know. I’m still kind of confused by what’s going on.”
Mike looked rather pleased at that.
“What have you done now?” Darren asked as soon as he answered the phone. “It’s literally been three hours since I dropped you off. Please tell me you haven’t done something illegal already. I don’t know that I’d bail you out.”
“Aww,” I said, feeling irrationally fond. “Miss me, bae? And you lie. You’d come running for me. Maybe even screaming my name and demanding I be set free. Probably in the pouring rain and would fall to your knees outside the prison walls and raise your fists to the thunderous sky—”
He sighed. “Sandy.”
I noticed how he didn’t deny it. It made my balls tingle, oddly enough. “So, look. I need a favor.”
He snorted. “Another one?”
“Just add it to my tab.”
“It’s a pretty big tab.”
“That’s what he said. Also, you know I’m good for it.”