“As Darren’s girlfriend.”
“As Darren’s lovely girlfriend, I think you meant to say.”
“You said your name was Helena Van Der Beek.”
“Of the Dawson’s Creek Van Der Beeks,” I said. “James would be so lucky.”
“And he fell for it.”
“He did. I was very convincing. If there was an award for best he-she performance in front of a government official, I would have won it hands down.”
“And now I have to allow you to put on a drag bachelor show with one hundred percent of the proceeds benefitting charities I couldn’t give two shits about.”
“For the children, yes.” I was pleased he’d gotten all of that out of my hysterical rambling. “You speak Sandy. How wonderful for you. The joy you feel must be greater than anything you’ve ever felt before.”
He dropped his hands on his desk and glared at me. “I asked you for one simple thing.”
“Simple? In what world is me seducing the son of the homophobic mayor to save a gay club simple?”
He rolled his eyes. “Well, when you say it like that, no. But now you’ve just made things more convoluted.”
“I really don’t think you appreciate the enormity of what you asked me to do in the first place,” I said. “Maybe you should reexamine this entire situation.”
“Oh, I would,” he said, jiggling the computer mouse so the monitor flashed back on. “Except I don’t have time for that now, seeing as how I have to check the scheduling to make sure we have enough time to do whatever it is you said we have to do.”
“Drag bachelor auction,” I said. “Why is everyone acting like this isn’t a thing? Everyone knows this is a thing. And this doesn’t make things more convoluted. If anything, it makes it crystal clear in the sheer amount of enjoyment this will bring us all.”
“You mean the joy it will bring you,” Mike said, clicking angrily at his computer.
“Well, yes,” I said. “This will bring me happiness like I’ve never known. Especially since Darren has agreed to participate.”
“Agreed? I think you mean conscripted.”
“Same thing,” I said with a wave of my hand. “He would do it because I am the light of his life and he has no other choice.”
“Really?” Mike looked away from the computer. I didn’t like the gleam I saw in his eyes. “Light of his life, you say. Tell me, princess. Just how is that going for you? It sounds as if you’re playing your part well if Darren doesn’t suspect anything. And he must be smitten if he agreed to dress in drag for you. Poor boy doesn’t have the shoulders to pull a strapless dress off. Too meaty, if you ask me, though I suppose there’s a market for that.”
“Yes,” I said. “About that. There was a… slight change in plans.”
“Really,” Mike said. “A slight change. Enlighten me.”
“Well,” I said, resolutely not showing fear because Mike would be able to smell it on me and I’d never been afraid of him in my life. Mostly. “So. Funny story. I was going to go through with your plan just as you said, but there was a… oh blast. What’s the word? Hmm. Hitch. Yes. There was a hitch.”
“A hitch,” he said, voice low.
“A small one.”
“And what was this small… hitch.”
“I might have accidentally told Darren about everything. Immediately.”
Mike sighed.
“But,” I said, “he was totally okay with it!”
“Really.” Mike sounded extraordinarily amused for reasons I didn’t quite understand. “Imagine that.”
“I don’t get it,” I said.