He snorted. “Don’t tempt me, boy. You’re lucky Vince is up here right now with you. I wouldn’t have believed you otherwise and your pants would be around your ankles and your butt would be smarting something awful.”
“Did you guys used to date or something?” Vince asked. He was trying to keep his voice even, but I could hear the strain behind it. The smile had faded from his face, and he glanced between the two of us as if he could see something no one else could.
Charlie grinned evilly. “Oh, am I going to like you.”
“Don’t you encourage him,” I scolded Charlie. “You’re gonna end up getting me in trouble for something I haven’t even done.”
“Paul likes to be spanked,” he told Vince.
“I do not!”
“Just take your big old hand and bring it down on that ass. It’ll get nice and pink and he’ll squeal for you like a little bitch. Give him some nice coloring to match his wall-face bruise.”
“A home, Charlie. Remember that. I will put you in a home. With leaky roofs and an all-female nursing staff.”
“They’re just messing with you, sugar,” Helena said to Vince. “Paul doesn’t do stuff like
spanking. His idea of kink is having a gang bang with six black guys who have names like D’Wayne and The Dominator.”
“You guys are the poster children for why people shouldn’t have friends,” I muttered.
“That explains the big black dildo under his bed,” Vince said thoughtfully.
Shocked silence. Helena slowly turned to me, eyes flashing. I glared at my traitorous boyfriend quickly before schooling my face. “That explains the big what, Paul?”
“I have no idea what he’s talking about.” I pretended I had something on my hands worth staring at intently.
“Boy, you holding out on us?” Charlie asked. He had this annoying little gleam in his eye.
“Paul has a box full of dongs under his bed,” Vince explained, obviously proud of himself for being the world’s biggest jerk. “I read in his diary that he uses them all the time and thinks about me.”
“I don’t think this is working out between us,” I told him. “You and I want different things. It’s not me, it’s you.”
“After our third date, Paul said I could use them on him,” he told a rapt Helena and Charlie. “I have the whole conversation saved from when he texted me. Tonight is considered our third date. He’s going to make so much sex face, it’ll freeze that way.”
“This isn’t our third date!” I said with a scowl. And then, as an afterthought, “And I didn’t say you could use them on me.”
“Hospital, Santiago and the park, dinner with your parents, then gay bar,” he counted off. “And yes, you did say I could use them on you. You were practically drooling when I told you that.”
“The hospital wasn’t a date!”
He shrugged. “I got to first base with you. I consider that a date.”
“None of what is coming out of Vince’s mouth is true,” I growled. “Who are you going to believe? I mean, really?”
“I can’t believe you write in a diary,” Charlie guffawed.
“I can’t believe you have sex toys!” Helena grinned. “My baby is all growed up and he’s turned into a silicone slut!”
Vince walked over and stood in front of me. I glared at him as he kissed the tip of my nose. “I’m pretty funny,” he said.
“Not even in the slightest,” I pouted.
“You coming down with me?”
“Er. Argh.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”