“Pretty much,” God said. “Just kind of fell over.”
“Kind of a bitch way to go out, if you ask me. A heart attack? Really? Why not a blaze of glory?”
God rolled his eyes. “It could have been worse. I could have made your intestines explode. Are you going to whine the whole time you’re up here?”
I scowled at him. “Are you going to give me reason to?”
“You’re harshing my buzz, man,” God lamented.
“I don’t feel bad about that at all. I didn’t know you were allowed to have a buzz. Aren’t you supposed to be smiting people right now?”
“I’m God. I can do whatever I want.” He eyed me. “You want to go for a ride on my hog?”
I contemplated this. “Are you hitting on me? Because that means two things where I come from.” I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
“Maybe. But I meant on my motorcycle, not my dick. But why don’t we see where it goes, and I could mean the other thing too.” God leered at me and my insides felt tingly.
“Why not? You’re, like, the ultimate daddy fetish.”
“Damn right,” he snorted. “All those ‘Our Fathers’ gives a guy a complex, let me tell you. You ready to rock?” A cloud descended and took the shape of a Harley. God slid a long leg over it and revved the engine. He looked back and winked at me.
“Do I get a helmet?” I shouted at him over the noise as I moved to sit behind him.
“Live a little,” he shouted back. “You’re already dead.”
And then I rode off into the sunset on the back of God’s motorcycle, clutching him as tightly as I could.
The end.
You still there?
Ha. I’m just fucking with you.
But I bet you totally got pissed, didn’t you? Come on, admit it. For a second there, you screamed, “Noooooooo!” and then thought about ways you could murder me and hide the body without getting caught. I’m honestly a little hurt that you’d believe that (and a little scared about how bloodthirsty you seem to be; do me a favor and get some therapy. It sounds like you need it so you don’t end up killing me or some hookers). Please. Do you really think I’d do something as stupid as cheating on Vince after falling in love with him over the course of a week?
Wait. Don’t answer that.
Let’s wrap this bitch up, shall we?
“SOMEONE obviously is going to ruin the surprise,” I moaned, staring down from the balcony at the group of people amassed below at the gay bar. “I don’t know why I thought I could pull this off.”
“No offense to your man,” Helena said, fixing her wig in her mirror, “but one does not think of the world’s greatest detective when thinking of Vince. He’s lucky he’s pretty.”
“Don’t be jealous,” I snapped at her. “Just because you haven’t worked up the nerve to admit you want to bone Darren doesn’t mean you can take it out on the rest of us.”
“Girl’s got claws,” Daddy Charlie said with a rumble. “He’s been dating Vince for six months and you’d think he was the fiercest bitch to walk the face of the earth.”
Helena rolled her perfectly blushed eyes. “Tell me about it, Charlie. Hard-core, confident Paul is definitely a sight to behold. And I don’t want to bone Darren. I’ve told you that like sixteen thousand times!”
“You are such a liar and a fat mouth,” I said. “The only reason two people snipe at each other as much as you two do is when they want to be inside each other. For days.”
“Or we could just hate each other. That could be a reason.”
“I don’t believe you in the slightest. No one in the world has that much unresolved sexual tension. Trust me, one day, you’re going to come crying to me about how much you lurve him, and I will make fun of you forever.” And I would. Forever. Vince and I kept devising ways for them to be alone together, and each time, it would start out okay, but then by the end, they’d be at each other’s throat. Vince thought it was because they were in love already. He was such a dopey romantic sometimes. He thought that just because he loved me at first sight (which still made me feel all fuzzy inside like I was being eaten from the inside out by rabid teddy bears that pooped rainbows; it’s really quite disgusting how awesome I thought that was) that everyone else in the free world should do the same. I tried to explain to him that it didn’t quite work that way, but this discussion happened two months after we met, when we were moving him into my house. It was hard to argue against love at first sight when I was carrying his crap into my house.
“That’s not going to happen,” Helena said. “Besides, he couldn’t handle Helena. And if you love me, you love both parts of me.”
“How Sybil of you,” Daddy said. “And I’m with Paul on this one. You go out of your way to snipe at him. That obviously means something.”