“Neither was Val Kilmer, and look what happened to him.”
We offered a moment of silence for Val Kilmer because Sandy had a good point.
“So what is the plan?” Sandy demanded. “And the flowers must be part of it. I didn’t spend thirty-five bucks on flowers not to have them in our diabolical scheme.”
“They’re very pretty,” I assured him.
“Thank you. The guy at the flower shop called it a ‘summer bouquet’. He was adorable. I almost asked him what kind of bouquet he’d recommend if I wanted to ask a guy selling flowers what it would take for me to sit on his face, but somehow, I was able to resist the urge. This seemed to be more important.”
I rolled my eyes. “I thank you that you were able to hold yourself back from sitting on the flower guy’s face. I know it must have been so hard for you.”
“No, but it could have been hard.”
“Puns? Really? That’s what you’ve settled for? I don’t think the flower guy would’ve gone for that.”
“Oh, so you’ve been in love for twelve hours, and now you’re suddenly the expert?”
“Don’t use that word!”
“Love, love, Paul’s in love!”
“Shut your face, you damaged queen!”
He stuck his tongue out at me. “Make me, lover boy. You better let me perform at the wedding. If you don’t, our friendship is over.”
I was hurt. “Of course you would perform at the wedding. Who else would I get—Oh, for fuck’s sake! I’m not getting fucking married! You tricked me, you scandalous bitch!”
He smirked evilly at me. “I guess we know what you’re thinking about.”
“Can we talk about this later?”
“You bet your sweet ass we will. I see it more of a fall wedding, with leaves and centerpieces shaped like autumn squash—”
“Sandy!”
“Paul!”
“Focus! How are we going to get in?”
“Okay, okay. Let me think.” He frowned and tapped a finger to the side of his head. “So, we don’t know what room she’s in, only that she’s in hospice care. And since you won’t go the easy route and just ask Vince, we need to find her first. We’ll have to ask someone if they know where she’s at.”
“Why would they tell us? Isn’t it supposed to be secret? They won’t let us in to see the First Lady of Tucson if we just ask.”
“Two things: one, I don’t know if ‘First Lady of Tucson’ is a real thing. I just said that because it almost makes her sound like a princess, and that makes me happy because it makes me think that when you get married to Vince, it will almost be like a royal wedding since he would be the son of a princess.”
“And the second thing?” I asked warily.
“Hmmm?”
“The second thing? You said there were two things.”
“I did? Oh. Sorry. I forgot. I got distracted by the idea of a royal wedding. How dashing would Vince be in a uniform?”
“So dashing,” I said dreamily. After a moment, I shook my head, clearing my brain of images of Vince in a blue uniform with a sword and scabbard attached to his hip. “We’re off track again.”
“It was your fault that time,” he said. “Anyway, so since we have to incorporate the flowers somehow—”
“We don’t have to incorporate the flowers at all—”