“He will for Otter,” Creed says, wrapping his arm around Anna’s shoulders. “Even if he can’t do it for himself, he’ll do it for him.”
Creed’s right. He will. Bear will sacrifice anything to make Otter happy, even if it means going against what he wants for himself. But I get the feeling Bear’s focusing more on the little boy now resting across Otter’s shoulders than Otter right now. There’s a strange look on his face, one I can’t quite place. It’s gone before I can figure it out, and he looks back down at the other kids swarming around his legs shouting happily.
I look around the party, waving at Alice and Jerry Thompson (Creed and Otter’s parents), who’re sitting down talking with Custody Trio—Eddie, Erica, and Georgia (the social worker)—all of whom have somehow become a part of us. They wave back, grinning. There are people from the Seafare Police Department, all gathered together, laughing and drinking beer. There are faculty from the school where Bear teaches, friends of Otter’s from the photography studio. Neighbors are mingled throughout, and for a moment, I pretend Mrs. P is there too, standing next to me, telling me that she is pretty sure she wants to have relations with the police chief, but don’t tell her husband Joseph, God love him, because he’s probably eavesdropping on us right this very second, as he’s wont to do. I remind myself to go see her, as it’s been a while since I’ve been to her grave. It was too hard at first, and for a long time, I stayed away. It’s gotten easier and I know she likes it when I bring flowers. I have so much to tell her. Maybe I can tell her about—
“Where’s Dom?” I ask. I haven’t seen him in a while, and he doesn’t seem to be in the backyard.
“Oh,” Creed says. “He went inside a bit ago with Sta—oof!”
I turn to look at him, wondering what the hell that’s all about. Creed’s rubbing his side and Anna’s gla
ring up at him, pulling her elbow back.
“I think he’ll be out in a bit,” Anna says to me. “Why don’t we go get something to eat? You can help me with JJ. He wants to become a vegetarian just like his Uncle Ty.”
Adults are so fucking weird. I want to find Dom, maybe to give him his present when it’s just the two of us. I’m a little embarrassed by it, to be honest, and I don’t know if he’ll like it, but it was the first thing that I thought of, and it’s the only thing that’s stuck with me.
“Sure,” I say as I look toward the Green Monstrosity. I’ll go find him in a minute.
A minute turns into ten minutes, but as soon as Anna’s distracted, rolling her eyes as JJ refuses to eat the hamburger she’s made for him (“Uncle Ty said that it’s made with hormones that’ll make me shrink! Motherfucking balls!”), I blend quietly into the crowd, stopping by the present table, piled high with gifts. I grab the square package that’s badly wrapped (I understand the math behind it, what with angles and all, but wrapping presents is not exactly my forte; I think maybe I’ve used the world’s supply of scotch tape just to wrap a present the size of a book), before heading toward the house.
And it’s in these last steps before I reach the screen door that my decision is made. It’s in these last steps I take that I can’t imagine myself being away from him, not for any stretch of time. It’s in these last steps that I know I’ll tell Bear that I want to stay here for another year, just to find my bearings. And while that is true, the real reason I’ll stay is because of Dom. The real reason I’ll stay is to make sure Dom knows how I feel about him. I’ll have a whole year to convince him he belongs to me, that I’m not just some kid who has tagged along by his side for the past six years. I’ll convince him that where he goes, I go. If he wants to stay in Seafare forever, then I will too. I don’t need to go to school. I don’t need any of it. I just need him. When I tell him, the look of relief on his face will be such a palpable thing that I’ll wonder why there was ever really a choice at all. I don’t think about Bear’s and Otter’s reactions. I don’t think about their disappointment because they’ll get over it. They’ll be fine. They’ll understand. They’ll know because they have to know. They’ll have to understand.
A little voice inside tells me I’m being foolish, that I can’t make decisions that’ll affect the rest of my life just because I’ve somehow convinced myself I’m in love with my best friend. I’ll regret this moment, it says, because it’s silly to think that something like this could last, that feelings like this, so bright and new and ridiculous, could ever be returned. You’re fifteen years old, it says. What would he want with a kid? Because that’s who you are. That’s your name. That’s what everyone calls you and that’s what you’ll always be. The Kid.
Except that he’s never called me that. I’ve always been Tyson to him, nothing more, nothing less.
I smile as I open the sliding glass door. I see a few people inside the kitchen, but no Dom. I think about calling out to him, but I can’t trust my voice not to come out with a crack. My throat burns and my heart races. I almost drop the present I’m carrying because my hands are clammy. I’m nervous, beyond nervous, but it’s a good feeling, an odd feeling. Like anticipation. Like hope. Like it means something. Like it means everything.
Silly little boy, it laughs. A few days ago, it wasn’t like this. A few days ago, it was school in a far-off and magical place. That you’d always be friends and you’d talk every day on the phone and everything would be okay because you were going to change the world. You were going to be something. Look at you now! Oh, so like your brother. What’s changed? How can this mean anything? What are a few days?
A few days ago, I didn’t have a choice.
He’s not in the living room, and I don’t hear the creak of the floor above me, so I don’t think he’s upstairs. What’s he doing? Is this a game? Does he want me to find him?
A giggle, high and feminine, near the back hall.
A low murmur that I’d recognize anywhere.
I smile and turn the corner.
And stop.
Dom’s there. At the end of the hall. Near the spare bedroom.
He’s not alone.
Stacey. A little blonde thing. I’ve met her a few times. Bear introduced us. A teacher, like him. She likes to talk to Dom. She likes to talk to him a lot. She likes—
He’s pressed against her, her back against the wall. She giggles again. His big hand is in her hair. She’s smiling up at him as he rumbles something to her that I can’t quite make out. He’s grinning at her. The same grin he gives me. Then he leans down close. So very close. She rises up on her tiptoes. They kiss. It’s deep. Her arms go around his neck, and I….
I.
Just breathe.
In. Hold for three seconds.
Of course, it whispers to me. Of course.