And then I’d dropped it, because I could see him starting to get worked up again, and I wondered if he would ever forgive me if something would happen to either of them when and if he wasn’t here. I was the strong one, now, and I leaned over and pulled him into my lap, and we sat and watched Otter do nothing but breathe with the help of the machines.
So, I said, the Kid needed a break. They all told me I did too. I shook my head, quietly saying that I was where I was needed. There looked like there would be arguments to the contrary, and there even seemed to be a discussion as to how to force me away, but it was abandoned by the flash in my eyes, the baring of my teeth. People noticed the ring on my finger as I twisted it viciously but said nothing. Nor did they say anything about the one hanging from a chain around my neck. I told them I needed to be alone with my partner, that I needed to talk to him, to please, just give me that. I was the strong one, I told them. I would be strong for them, but I needed him right then, and I needed him alone.
They left soon after.
O & B Forever.
I sat with him, holding his hand, telling him how funny he looked, how embarrassed he was going to be when he woke up and I showed him the pictures. I told him about Anna and how confused that made me feel. I wondered aloud what was going to happen to them, if they were going to be okay. Of course they would, I told him after a minute. They were family, after all. They would be taken care of, just like the rest of us. We watch our own, I said to Otter. We always have, even if we didn’t always know what it meant.
I grew angry then, even though I tried to keep it to myself. Rational thought and I were no more than passing acquaintances on that third day, and I asked Otter if he thought that it was Anna and Creed’s fault that this happened, that God thought we could only have so many people in our family and that by her getting pregnant, that he had to take some away to make room for the fucking baby. My grip on his hand tightened before I pulled away, horrified that I’d hurt him further. He didn’t say, one way or another, so I took his hand in mine again, and I leaned down and kissed the knuckles with my dry lips, and now that we were alone, now that everyone else was gone, I whispered to him that I didn’t want to be the strong one anymore, that I needed him to wake up and be strong because I was so tired of trying to carry it all on my own. I told him that I’d do anything if he just opened his eyes and looked at me and the gold-green would be aware and he would smile and it would be that crooked grin and he would tell me how good I’ve been, how so very strong I was, but it’s okay because he’s here now. He’s here to help me. I waited. And waited. Nothing happened.
Then the emergency code was announced over the intercom, and the woman said “Radiology,” and I closed my eyes and lay my forehead against his hand. It could be anyone, I told myself. It could be anyone.
But I knew.
Mad Cow Disease stays with you for a time that’s long!
THE fourth day was the hardest. The fourth day was the hardest because that’s the day my mother came to see me.
10.
Where Bear Shakes It
All Out
IT WAS just after noon. I had come back to the hospital after going home and showering at the insistence of all around me, some of whom were able to joke that there was no way Otter was going to wake up if my smell chased him away. I didn’t think that was funny in the slightest. But rational thought and I had decided on that fourth day that we didn’t like each other in the slightest and that it would be best to part ways, at least for now. So I ran home and scrubbed myself in the shower under hot water until my skin was red, until the bathroom was choked with steam. I frantically checked my cell phone to make sure I hadn’t missed any phone calls. I hadn’t. I turned my phone off and then back on to make sure it was still working. It was.
I hurried back to the hospital, only to find that nothing had changed.
Well, nothing that could be seen. The doctors told us that the swelling in Otter’s brain had gone down significantly, and that the plan was to send him through some diagnostic tests later that afternoon. They might have a better idea of any potential brain injury then, that the decrease in swelling was a good sign, that we should be excited at such a prospect. I couldn’t get excited. Not yet. Not until he opened his eyes. But I smiled with the rest of them, because I was the strong one. I told them all what great news that was, how relieved I felt. I hugged them in celebration. The rest came over from Mrs. Paquinn’s room and joined in the quiet victory.
I told them to go take a break. The Kid was at school, and I knew that he’d want to know, so I planned on calling the front office to see if they could pull him from class so I could talk to him for a moment, if he’d even take my call, given how angry he was that I’d made him go to class.
Dominic had been invaluable in helping me with the Kid, and eventually he’d gone, grumbling, Anderson Cooper smiling off his backpack. I told him I would let him know once I knew anything further. He’d just scowled and walked away.
The others left, each of them touching Otter in some way, each of them touching me in some way. Alice was the last, and she leaned over and kissed her son on the forehead, and for some reason, this got to me like nothing I’d gone through in the past couple of days, and I had to fight to remember that I was the strong one, that I was the one in control. I smiled weakly at her when she kissed me in the same place, and when she walked out, I allowed a single tear to roll down my cheek. Any more and I would have broken.
I stayed strong.
It was only minutes later that my resolve was tested. I was in the middle of telling Otter that I’d decided he, the Kid, and I would take a trip once he got out of here, that maybe we could go to the mountains and get a cabin, or go to where the sea was warm and go snorkeling. Maybe skiing and sledding. Or to Disneyland. Or Disneyworld. Or someplace that he would be walking and talking around me, someplace where’d he’d say my name and make it sound like it meant something. I didn’t care where that would be, just as long as it happened.
A nurse walked in and changed everything. “Derrick?” she said quietly.
“There’s a woman here to see you.”
I wondered briefly who it was, thinking maybe it was a representative from the auto insurance company, here to find out what was going on with Otter as I’d been ignoring their phone calls. “Who is it?” I asked, my voice rough as I started to rise.
“She says she’s… your mother? Julie McKenna?” I could understand reluctance, her hesitation. She’d heard part of our story, knew that the Kid was mine. This probably confused the hell out of her.
I sat back down. Hard. Unexpected, I thought.
Indeed, it replied, speaking for the first time in days. Do you remember what happened the last time she dropped by unannounced? You almost lost everything you had. Tell them to send her away. Tell them that you don’t have time to see her right now. You can’t be the strong Bear. Not all the time. Not now. You can’t handle this now. Tell them to make her leave, and we’ll worry about this another day.
I am strong.
I stood up. “Where is she?” I asked.
“In the waiting room,” she said, suddenly nervous.