“Would it be so bad if she did? If she knew about ‘this’?”
I pound the table with my fist, surprising myself and Otter. “What is this?” I ask him hotly. “What are we even doing, Otter?”
“I don’t know, Bear,” he says truthfully. “I keep asking myself that same thing.”
I wince at this. “You do? Do you… do you think it’s a bad thing?”
He chuckles softly and comes down and kneels before me, putting his hands on mine in my lap. “Hey,” he says.
“Hey, yourself,” I say back, unable to look away, waiting for him to answer.
“I don’t think this is bad at all,” he says seriously. “I told you that I would take whatever you were willing to give, just as long as at the end of it all, I’m still your friend. That’s always going to be a priority here, and I hope you understand that.”
“I do,” I tell him. “But could you really be okay if we were just friends? You know, after….”
He thinks for a moment and then says, “Bear, I truly think so, yes. I’ve told you that, and I’m always going to be honest with you, no matter what.”
I smile thinly. “Even if it’s bad?”
He laughs. “Even if it’s bad. You should always hear the truth from me.”
“Can I tell you a truth?” I ask, taking a deep breath. He nods. “I’m scared, Otter. About all… this. What if it’s not who I am?” I look away. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Do you think you could?”
“I don’t want to,” I whisper, clutching his hands. “I’ve just got you back, and I don’t want to do anything to drive you away. But I tried something last night and today, and it worries me.”
“And what was that, Bear?”
So I tell him. I tell him how last night I’d made sure Ty was asleep and then had turned on the computer and had gone online. I tell him how I had tried looking at… guys and stuff. I started with famous people. Then I went to dating sites and looked at pictures of men. Then it progressed to pictures of porn. Of guys doing things to each other that I had never even thought of. Then I finally struck up the nerve to click on a video and, making sure the sound was down, proceeded to watch the entire thing. Nothing. I was never turned on, even for a moment.
Then today, at work, while on my shift and in between fretting about the Kid and Anna, I had looked at some of the guys that come into the store. There were short ones and tall ones, fat ones and skinny ones, older guys and younger guys, muscles and no muscles. And not a single one of them turned my head. It wasn’t until Otter showed up looking like he did that I had even felt something remotely stirring.
While I tell him this, his expression never changes, and I want to hug him for it. He could laugh or snort or look disgusted by me, but he does none of that. He doesn’t move until I’m finished, and even then he looks thoughtfully up into my eyes, and I feel that longing again, and I wonder if I’m broken or defective or something. I’m about to say as much to try and crack a joke when he rises up and
presses his lips against mine. I’m shocked at first, but close my eyes and bring my hands up and take his head in my hands and rub my fingers through his hair. I sigh into his mouth as it opens, and he probes me with his tongue. I feel his big hands rubbing my legs gently, and then he breaks away from my lips and kisses the line of my jaw until he reaches my neck, where he nips and bites gently. My back arches languorously at the sensation, and I’m about to return the favor when he pulls away.
“Did you feel something then?” he asks.
I nod, eyes wide.
“So what does that mean?” he says as he brushes a hair out of my face.
I hesitate before saying quietly, “I don’t know.”
He sits back on his butt and crosses his long legs in front of him and looks down at his hands, lost in thought. I drink him in while I can. His blond hair is getting longer and falls over his face. He takes a big hand and pushes it back. He takes a deep breath, and I see his chest rise gently through his shirt. The way he’s folded up right now makes him look so compact, but I know it’s just an illusion. His nose is kind of crooked, like his smile, but it doesn’t detract from anything. In fact, it makes him even more appealing. Blond stubble lines his cheeks. I can’t see his eyes, but I know what they look like, gold in green. He reaches up and scratches the back of his head, and I can see how strong his arms are, even through the jacket. I try to remember what they feel like around me. I try to imagine them against my bare skin. His hand rubbing slowly on my chest. It would stop at my heart, just to feel it beat, but then it would move on, a finger running softly (but not too soft) over my nipples. I would feel the heat of him against me, and the gold-green would shine, and his mouth would fall onto mine, and there would be stars….
With a half-strangled yelp, I leap from my chair and fall on top of him. Quicker than ever (it’s like he’s always expecting me), his arms come up and fold around me. I press my lips against his, and my eyes are open, and his are open, and we gaze upon each other, and he sits up straighter and pulls me closer, and my hands are here, there, everywhere, and I don’t want to stop so I rock against him, grinding myself into him. He gasps slightly and fights back with renewed strength. I can feel him underneath me and suddenly there’s an ache inside me, an itch just begging to be scratched. It’s almost enough to toss all my inhibitions aside. Almost. Breathing heavily, I sit back, his arms resting around my waist, his paws on my ass. He looks at me through half-lidded eyes, and I can’t help but laugh through my panic. He shakes his head to clear the fuzz out and chuckles.
“What was that for?” he asks. He grins up at me appreciatively.
I shrug, trying to ignore how hard I am. “It’s weird, Otter. I obviously feel something for you, but why is it that nobody else does that to me?”
He pulls me forward and kisses my nose. It tickles and burns. “I don’t know, Bear. Maybe I shouldn’t try and discern why you don’t feel something for other guys. It means I get to keep you all to myself.”
I groan and punch his arm. “That doesn’t help at all.” I look down at him, and he smiles crookedly back at me. His eyes show me how he feels about me, and I want to cower, but I try and push it away. Why is it that he can do this to me? It’s not humanly possible for me to be… like that for just one person, is it? That’s not how biology works. But then again, I’ve never felt this need with anyone before. It wasn’t even this bad with Anna, I think darkly. It’s like he’s lit a fire under me and then set me down on the sun. Once again, I think back to what Anna asked me at the end of our fight and wonder if this is what she saw. She’s seen me around Otter enough times, but was it something I did? I’ve obviously never acted toward him like this before. How could she see it? And how can nobody else?
“Bear,” Otter says, breaking me out of my reverie. “You’re thinking too hard again. Stop trying to figure everything out all the time.”