“So, that’s it?” I gasp out. “You’re going to leave me too? Just like that? I’ve chased you away just like everyone else.”
She appears startled for a moment, and I see recognition on her face, and I sense a sliver of hope as she walks over to me and puts her hand on my arm. But her words cut through this.
“Bear, I will never leave you or Ty. I will never be like her. But… it is… it’s not going to be like it was anymore. You will always… have me as a part of your life. Just not like this. Never like this again.”
“Why?” I moan.
“Bear, you… you have to figure it out for yourself.” She leans against me, and I put my arms around her and cry into her hair.
“I don’t know if I can do this without you,” I sob.
She rubs the small of my back. “You won’t have to. It’s going to be different, but I will never abandon you.” She grips me tight and whispers fiercely into my ear, “Ever. Do you hear me, Derrick McKenna? Ever. I do love you. You’ve broken my heart, but it was mine to give.”
Then she’s gone.
I hear the door shut as she leaves the apartment, and her sobs renew as she runs down the stairs. I stagger inside and fall to my knees on the ground and lean forward and press my face into my hands and shake as an earthquake racks my body, my heart, my soul.
SOMETIME later—I don’t know how long—there’s a knock at my door. I rub my face and jump to my feet and rush to the door.
It’s Otter.
“Hey,” I say, sniffling.
“Hey, yourself,” he says back, worry marring his face. “Anna called me.”
“She… Otter… I… I—”
I don’t know what she has said to him or what I’m trying to say, but I don’t care because Otter suddenly fills the world, and he’s all I can see, and he enfolds me into him protectively, shielding me while I split and shatter and fall into myself. And even if he’s not there to pick up the pieces later, I will always remember that he has at least given me this moment, this moment to break.
I WAKE, my face feeling stiff and cracked. I’d been dreaming, but for once in a very long time I can’t remember what it was about. I don’t know what that means.
I squint my eyes open, and I see that I’m on the couch in my living room, covered in a blanket. I start to wonder what I’m doing here when the previous night comes washing back over me, and I groan. My mouth tastes horrible, and my head has a spike running through it. My clothes feel stiff against my body. I sit up and the motion is enough to make me gag. I still for a moment, waiting for the waves of dizziness to subside.
So just what are you going to do now? the voice whispers jauntily. Look at you. You’re pathetic.
“Leave me alone,” I spit through gritted teeth. “Just leave me the hell alone.”
Why? A conscience is never supposed to go away just because you want it to. That would just make things too easy. How could you ever learn anything that way? Oh, Bear, this is just going to be so much fun!
“Please,” I whisper.
Grow the fuck up, it says coldly. You’ve gotten this far with people shitting everywhere you walk. It’s time to grow up and stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Oh, I’m Bear. Listen to me. I’m so full of angst! Whatever shall I do? Life is so HARD! It laughs. Blah, blah, blah. At least he has the balls to say what he feels. At least Otter—
Otter.
I look wildly around the living room, but I’m alone. I jump up and throw open the curtains that I don’t remember shutting and see that it is way too bright outside for it to be early morning. Shit. I run to my bedroom, yelling for Ty to wake the hell up because we are late. I throw open the bedroom door, already planning in my head how we need to get him up now and brush his teeth (no time for a shower) and there should be something clean for him to wear in the closet….
But there’s no one there.
I go to the kitchen and no one is there, either, and I start to become unnerved when I see a note on the kitchen table with a familiar scrawl:
Bear,
You needed to sleep more. I got Ty up and ready for school and will drop him off. Don’t worry about work. I called in and pretended to be you, and now apparently you’re down with the flu. It seems I can do a good Sick Bear impression. Remind me to show you later.
Anyways, I’m going to go home afterward and try to get some sleep. Make sure you call me as soon as you wake up. I’m worried about you, Papa Bear.
Otter